FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge: Week 3
Kevin Ratterree
September 18, 2012
 

When NBC trotted out their theme song for Sunday Night Football a few years ago, I thought it was hands down the worst theme song in the history of football. Granted, Faith Hill strutting her stuff softened the blow, but no amount of “eye candy” could erase my memory of the song’s first incarnation as a terrible Joan Jett ditty called “I hate myself for lovin’ you.”

But then on Thursday night, NBC took a backseat to the NFL network in the category of god-awful ear pollution preceding a football game.

(Scene: brainstorming session at the NFL Network office)

Clueless entity #1: We need something really big for the opening song. I’m thinking we go outside the box on this one. How about that Johnny Cash fellow, he’s popular with the young folks now isn’t he?

Clueless entity #2: I think he died or something, and even if he didn’t, just remember how that hillbilly bit turned out for Monday Night Football. No, what we need is someone who’s now, someone hip, someone hot. Someone whose face is everywhere right now except NFL network…

Clueless entity #3: One word, two syllables: Cee lo. He’s like a cross between Al Green, Liberace, and Elton John, only with better teeth. Apparently the kids just love him, because he has been on almost every show on television and virtually every ad campaign over the last year. We simply must have him.

Clueless entity #1: Wait a minute. Is a Liberace and Elton John hybrid really something that appeals to our base?

Clueless entity #2: Who gives a crap about our base? Those addicted degenerates would watch if we had two humping cats howling the theme song. What we need is to draw in all the teeny-boppers that couldn’t care less about a football game on a Thursday night, but will be sucked into watching something they hate as a result of Cee Lo singing the theme! He’s really a likable fellow I hear. Beautiful teeth. Elton John would go straight for teeth like that. I think it’s a winner.

Clueless entity #3: Okay Well, I guess we’ve just about hashed that one out. Mary, get Cee Lo’s agent on the phone and see if we can get him to remake some played out, old ditty from the 70’s. Oh, and tell him to plan on bringing his best Liberace outfits for the shoot. Nothing screams football like rhinestones and feather boas. Lunch anybody? How about sushi?

Speaking of clueless, Michael Irvin was heard on Sunday morning to predict these two events:
Four touchdowns for Calvin Johnson against the 49ers.
A 49ers victory.
A well thought out pair of predictions indeed. Nicely played, playmaker.

I’m sure Eric Davis, new member of NFL Network is a fine fellow. But I’m struggling to take him seriously with his Sideshow Bob hair, and eyes that look like he just rolled out of the Willie Nelson tour bus. Eric, have you considered writing instead? It’s a safe refuge for those of us who may tend to frighten the general public in other mediums.

I guess that’s enough vitriol for the NFL Network. Now on to the league.

My newfound apathy over the replacement officials only lasted a week. I want them to go away now.

The officiating in the Rams/Redskins game was dreadful. The Rams drove down to the goal-line. Steven Jackson got the carry and appeared to score, but the refs marked him short. On the next play, the refs called a fumble on a play where the ball carrier was obviously down well before the fumble. The play should have been whistled dead. Eventually after a thorough investigation by the replay official (should have taken 10 seconds instead of 10 minutes) the play was overturned and the ball placed at the spot where the ball was actually down.

On the next play SJax carried the ball, once again appeared to be across the goal line, and angrily spiked the ball, while the refs looked at each other dumbfounded as to whether to stick their arms in the air or not. Not.

So not only did the Rams not get the touchdown, Jackson received an unsportsmanlike penalty, and the coach made him grab some pine for the rest of the game. SJax owners unfortunate enough to be watching this turn of events are no doubt seeking hair replacement treatment this week.

Coach Fisher said Jackson wasn’t benched, but rather injured his groin (as tends to happen when you spike the ball I suppose) but I never saw anybody checking out Jackson’s groin on the sidelines.

Coach Fisher probably realized it just wasn’t going to be Jackson’s day and he’d be damned if he was gonna let SJax’ bad mojo put the whammy on his “mustache day.”

And it seemed to be a theme throughout the day. Bumbling referees on parade. The inmates were running the asylum.

While their presence in week one didn’t seem to detract much from my enjoyment of the game, in week two they managed to piss me off repeatedly throughout the afternoon. I didn’t order the Sunday Ticket to see a parade of appalling incompetence. If I wanted appalling incompetence I would have just cancelled the dish altogether and watched the new network schedules on regular TV.

So I’m flip flopping like a desperate politician yet again, and begging all the arrogant jerk-wad parties involved to get together somehow and send these new zebras back to their bikini leagues and Jucos where they belong.

Monday Night Football was just the rancid cherry on top of a hot mess Sunday.

Hey, I guess I’m going to find out if I can win a league after completely blowing a first round pick. Chris Johnson. I’ve survived his two putrid performances unscathed due to my 2-6 round picks. But I think CJ and I have come to the end of the road. I’m not dropping him, but anybody averaging a yard a carry over two games and then has the stones to torch his teammates doesn‘t exactly look primed to break out anytime soon. Bench time.

But I am not alone. Jamaal Charles has killed his owners as well. And now we hear a report of “knee soreness.” Oh boy. If he doesn’t return to form against the passive run-defense of the Saints this week Charles owners may experience “ass soreness.”

Adrian Peterson pulled the “gotcha” after studding it up in week one. That was a massacre because many that drafted Peterson probably left him on the bench for the week 1 explosion, but everybody bought in for week 2. Thud.

Larry Fitzgerald is causing major panic with his owners, most of whom paid late 1st to early 2nd round picks for him. Let me say this to the Fitz owners. I will trade you Chris Johnson straight up right now. Call me.

The best team name I have seen this year so far is Joe Buck Yourself. I am jealous and just a bit disappointed I didn't think of it.  Joe Buck Yourself.  As the late great Jack Buck would say, "That's a winner!"

Misery Index

10) Cowboys: Romo‘s flights home from Seattle are probably a lot like most of my flights home from Vegas.

9) Bears: After a triumphant opening game victory that foretold the return of Cutler and Marshall to fantasy glory, and the Bears return to prominence in the division, the Bears found themselves on the receiving end of a Packer beat-down on Thursday night. Cutler continued to win friends and influence people by berating his struggling offensive lineman in front of a national TV audience. Hey Jay, what next? Pull a puppy out of your jersey chuck it at a heckler?

8) Saints: Any questions about the importance of having an actual head coach? Anybody? I sure wouldn’t want to be in Goodell’s shoes when those voodoo ladies down there put a damn good hexin’ on his ass.

7) Bills: Thanks to the schedule makers giving these guys a week 2 bye against the Chiefs, their stay at the bottom of the index was short lived. Much as I am sure their winning streak will be.

6) Patriots: I drafted Tom Brady, and Aaron Hernandez. I'd like to think I'm not responsible but I probably am.  Yes friends, I single-handedly killed the Patriots. And they are returning the favor.

5) Titans: Every once in a while, when I am feeling cocky and full of myself, I like to commit an incredibly stupid and self-destructive act. Like drafting Chris Johnson. Thanks for helping to keep me grounded CJ1YPC.

4) Browns: So, did everybody go ahead and bench Trent Richardson? Of course you did. You think you feel bad now, just wait ‘til this week when you start him and he goes 12/36.

3) Jaguars: I will hold you solely responsible for the slew of fantasy ballers about to insert Ben Tate in their lineups this week under the false pretense that other defenses around the league will duplicate your ineptitude at stopping the run.

2) Chiefs: Why don’t the Chiefs deserve bottom billing this week? I don’t know. I mean, I know I am looking at a heap big pile of Romeo droppings here. But full disclosure: I am a Chiefs fan, and I know they can be even worse if they really apply themselves.

1) Raiders: I figured the Dolphins for a 2 win team. This was not one of them. And you made me look like an ass for that crack I made about Reggie Bush leading the league in rushing and me winning a Pulitzer Prize. Dude is now 2nd in the league in rushing after you let him hang almost 2 bills on you. Nice work douche bags.


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