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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge: Week 6
Kevin Ratterree
October 9, 2012
 

Confession. I made a joke last week about starting Chris Johnson this week, based on his “big” week 4, and how he would screw me when I put him back in the lineup, so I said “screw you” to him in advance.  Well, the preemptive screw you wasn't necessary.  I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to face that indignity. I’ve been Johnson’ed enough. This dog was going to stay down. I defiantly started Daryl Richardson in Johnson's old spot in the lineup, and netted -.4 points on the transaction.

But I think the point is, that I half expected Daryl Richardson to bagel me, so it was really a lot less stressful.

Seriously Chris Johnson. I have a question for you. Remember how you threw your baby fit for a new contract? How you held the organizations arm behind it’s back until they backed up the Brinks truck to your door?

I think it’s only fair given the current state of affairs that you should demand they tear up that contract and redo a deal commensurate with a 2.9 yard per carry average, with the occasional fumble thrown in for good measure. Oh you don’t want to do that? A deal is a deal is what you say now as you repeatedly run into the back of your lineman and fall down? Well, in that case could you please suffer a season ending injury or something? Because as painful as that may be for you, it is far less painful than watching you do whatever it is you are doing out there on the field, and we could all clear up a roster spot for someone with a trace of hope.

At this point, you have gone beyond bust. You have gone beyond being one of the worst recommended draft picks in my “career.” You are a downright embarrassment to the NFL and everything football. Do the honorable thing and fake an injury if you have to. It’s bad enough that you committed grand larceny upon the Titans organization, but to keep rubbing their noses in it every week the way you have been is just an abomination.

On the other side of the achievement coin I give you Tony Gonzalez. He of the premature fantasy football burial. Widely disregarded in fantasy drafts, the elderly Gonzo just keeps on chugging along. Seriously, didn’t everybody start trying to ignore this guy about 3-4 years ago? And every year since? Matt Ryan hasn’t been ignoring him. Are 11 out of 12 of us just stupid? I drafted Jermichael Finley. Jermichael FREAKING Finley. He couldn’t catch a cold if you sneezed one up his nostrils. Oh what my poor, poor team might have been if I had drafted anybody besides Finley, and grabbed Gonzo several rounds later.

The thing that really kills me is that I have been a "Gonzo guy" his whole career.  But I got off the bus one stop too early.  I only hope he decides not to retire so I can draft him when everybody ignores him again next year. Jermichael Finley. Really? Son of a @$*#@%^!

I rostered James Jones for about 2 years on my dynasty team. Spot started him a few times when necessary, basically got burned every time. Jones was a choke machine. I finally grew up and ditched him over a year ago. My opinion of him was cemented. He was what he was going to be. A wrong route running, ball dropping, pissing off the quarterback kind of guy. Time to move on.

I certainly am glad to see that in the interim Mr. Jones has finally magically grasped the concept of running routes, catching the ball and what-not. Isn’t that nice. About as nice as the fact that I wasted a keeper league draft pick on Jordy Nelson. Remember him? Aaron Rogers doesn’t.

I think the inescapable truth I have arrived at as such is that the Packers suck. I have Cedric Benson as an RB3 in my dynasty league, with Sproles on a bye this week and with Benson’s predictably timely injury, I‘ll be dredging the waiver wire for the likes of James Casey. There is absolutely nothing happening with the Packers that is good for me. My involvement with the team has been as detrimental to my fantasy health as the moment I decided Chris Johnson would be a fine first round pick.

James Jones wasn’t drafted in some leagues, and he leads the Packers receivers. He is a rarity this season. A helpful waiver wire addition. People looking for this year’s Victor Cruz have been disappointed.  Few free agents in larger leagues have been wise investments. Still, I have spent more than half my bidding budget. So that’s encouraging.

Dennis Pitta looked like he was going to be a waiver wire winner but he has been stinking it up since the week after I finally started starting him. Why do I do it? How do I do it? How do I, a singular man have the power to destroy football players careers by merely inserting them into my starting lineup? How did I gain this unique power and how the hell can I get rid of it? Was I a serial killer, or an injury cheering Chiefs fan in a previous life?

The fact that the Fathead company has survived is a testament to the power of the NFL, and an apparently endless supply of advertising funds. If I was running the company they would have already branched out into bikini clad hotties, non bikini clad hotties, and up-skirt shots of our favorite Hollywood skanks.  Call me crazy but I think every dorm in America is screaming for an 8 ft tall commando Britney. 

I listen to far too much ESPN radio. And while I enjoy much of the content, there are many annoying things about the network when you listen to it an unhealthy amount. For instance they play show promo’s over and over and endlessly. If I hear Mike & Mike’s, “You’re not going to change the players mentality” promo where the boys are debating head injury issues one more time, I fear I may inflict a head injury upon myself. ESPN, don’t you think there’s a way we could keep that from happening?

But as bad as hearing that promo 1000 times over the course of the summer was, at least it is coherent. Unlike the omnipresent commercial spot where some young man pushes energy shots he “crated” that claims to deliver a “smoov” rush of energy. I don’t know exactly what a smoov rush of energy is, but I would stick a fork in an outlet before I would shell out $5 for one. Fork in an outlet. Now that’s a smoov rush of energy. And costs only pennies.

I appreciated ESPN Sunday Countdown bringing in Joe Walsh to play as they went to commercial breaks. First of all it wasn’t Ceelo. And secondly, any break from more of Berman reaching down to the depths of his sphincter to draw out his trademark guttural drawl, is a welcome relief. However, given Walsh’s age and own certain unique vocal styling, I’m sure he has to reach deep down to really nail that Funk 49, so Berman’s chair probably wasn’t the only one experiencing keister torque in the studio that day.

Misery Index

10) Packers: Wow, did that beat down in the playoffs last year ever do a number on this bunch. They still strut around like they are 15-1, but they play like the team that went 0-1 in the playoffs last year. Did I mention you suck?

9) Buccaneers: Is anybody else rooting for lots more kneel-down scenario’s this season?

8) Panthers: First of all, I’m going to make a solemn promise to myself right now. I will never pick the Panthers to win in any pool again this season, so help me god. I keep thinking they can win, but the fact is they cannot. Now Deangelo Williams, is ripping fantasy managers on his twitter, in effect telling the foul mouthed malcontents railing on his performance that they must be bad fantasy players if they made the mistake of drafting him. Can’t argue with that. Game, set, match. Nice work DW.

7) Titans: Fun fact: There are currently 5 starting quarterback Matts in the NFL. Matt Ryan, Matt Stafford, Matt Cassel, Matt Schaub, and Matt Hasselebeck. I think if I were to have a baby boy I would name him Matt. It seems to be the first step to NFL glory. Or in the case of Matt Cassel, gory.

6) Lions: The lion has forever been a symbol of strength, power and ferocity in the wild. This bunch more resembles old zoo lions. Listless, depressed and powerless.

5) Jags: Furthermore, Jaguars are beautiful powerful beasts. But 189 total yards of offense doesn’t exactly scream beautiful powerful beasts. “Neutered old barn cats” would be more appropriate, but getting that long of a name on team gear would probably be too much of a hassle.

4) Jets: The Jets best offensive play of the first half was when Sanchez was stripped of the ball and newly acquired Lex Hilliard picked up the fumble and ran about 4X longer than Shonn Greene’s average carry. The unplanned trick play. Clever. Very clever.

3) Saints: The league threw Brees a bone by allowing his head coach to show up in the building Sunday night, but they didn‘t do us any favors. He looked morbid as a guy that just lost his wife in an auto accident. The week after he canceled her life insurance. Okay. that was probably the most horrible thing I have ever said. And I am placing the blame on Roger Goodell. Let me apologize on behalf of the commissioner for causing me to make that tasteless comment.

2) Chiefs: In defense of Kansas City fans, they are very passionate about their team. And they are very drunk by the 4th quarter. You can’t start drinking at 9 AM without repercussions. And I don’t think they would have cheered if they thought Cassel was actually dead or crippled or anything. Look, this is the Midwest. A city stuck in the middle of farm country. They viewed Cassel as they would view a wounded, suffering animal. The head coach didn’t have balls enough to put the creature out of its misery. But that kind man from the Ravens finally did. They were just cheering the end of the suffering. Both their own, and Cassel’s. It’s all really quite humane.

1) Browns: At least you led a game this year. That’s something the Chiefs haven’t done. And here’s some good news. You play the Chiefs in December. So 0-16 is a long shot. And Romeo Crennel might finally prove useful to the organization. So there’s something to hang your rubber dog masks on.


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