FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge: Week 10
Kevin Ratterree
November 6, 2012
 

Doug Martin: Killer. Who was worried about going up against this guy? Who was still benching this guy? Why the hell didn’t I try to trade for this guy? My condolences to those among you that either benched him or faced him. If you read my column regularly you already know he Doug my grave in at least one league. Yeah I caught a face-full of that freight train. Keeper league. 7-1 vs. 1-7. Boom. Shot down David & Goliath style.

But really, that is the least painful way to experience such an outburst. I mean the 1-7 team can’t hurt me as far as playoff seeding, it was an out of division game, and I still retained #1 seed status so no harm done. If Martin had happened to me in my other leagues where my status was far less in question, I may have devoted a column to his performance, and my subsequent television damage, dry heaves, seizures, and mini-stroke.

Brandon Marshall was the receiving equivalent to the battery acid enema that was Doug Martin. And the Chicago Bears defense was a nasty surprise yet again. I mean, that was like a damn video game. The crazy spaced out lunatic in your league that had a boner for the Bears D and drafted them in the 5th round amid the snickers of league-mates turns out to be the damn Rain Man?

“Yeah, definitely the Bears D. 5th round. Definitely the 5th round, yeah Bears D.”

I mean, I’m sitting here checking my schedules to see if I have the face them between now and the playoffs, or worse yet, during the playoffs, because that is a serious problem friends. Nothing hurts more in fantasy than getting raked by a kicker or a team D. It’s kind of like getting your ass kicked by a 7 year old or something. You just never saw it coming.

Did you see some of the calls in that Giants/Steelers game? I had no idea the league gave up drug testing for game officials during the lockout fiasco. Probably not a great move.

I have to tell you, I feel kind of left out from a dynasty perspective over this year’s draft class. Lots of rookies getting it done in year one. I had the 9th pick in the rookie draft, and picked Michael Floyd. He has been getting worked into the mix some, but he is a far cry from some of the other first round picks right now. I did get TY Hilton in supplemental , and I’m feeling better about his progress after last week’s big performance. I really like that kid paired up with Luck. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Last week I was shopping Andre Roberts for a running back in my dynasty. Tried to trade him for Pierre Thomas, among several others. Got shot down at every turn. I had no idea at the time that my RB1 Darren Sproles had a broken hand as was about to bail on me for a month, so I was definitely on the right track.
I ended up snatching Ronnie Brown from the free agent dumpster, so looks like the Chargers old Sproles will be replaced in my lineup by the Chargers new Sproles. Rivers so distrusts his receivers at this point, Ronnie Brown is the only guy on the team that catches every pass thrown at him. I did gather up Ronnie Brown in all my leagues before or during last week so I thought he was a good add even before I found out how bad I needed him in the dynasty.

Anyway back to Roberts, I continue to be amazed at how little regard there is in fantasy football for this guy. Every blurb I read calls him a WR4. What is a WR4? Is it someone that ranks 18th in PPR receiving? Is that what a WR4 is? Roberts should be starting in most PPR leagues right now, but it seems there is absolutely no fantasy buzz about him.

I think it’s all about perception. He’s on the Cardinals. He’s behind Larry Fitzgerald, and ahead of Michael Floyd. His quarterback(s) suck. He gets a lot of his points in junk time. All true facts. He doesn’t “seem” like a player that should be ranked 18th in PPR receivers.

But if you watch Roberts play, you can see that he is a player. He runs good routes and he catches the ball, has some has after the catch skills. He is producing whatever his situation. You would think he would get more (or some) respect in fantasy circles. But up until this point he has been a virtual leper. I don’t get it. At some point you have to just believe what is in front of you and go with it. Roberts is not a hologram.

So anyway, Roberts was widely rejected by my would-be trading partners and remains buried safely on my bench for the time being. Points that will never be scored against me. And I’m Ronnie Brown’s newest bestest fan. Ridley will need to be my rock until Sproles comes back. Hoodie don’t impale me now.

Trade deadlines are creeping up on us depending on your league. You know what I really hate? Trade offers that never get a response. That really torques me off. Especially when you are working against the clock, like now.  Now I’m not talking about when some kook makes a ridiculous offer. Sometimes I don’t respond to totally outrageous trade offers. I figure if your starting point is a figurative fart in the face, we’re never going to deal our way to fresh air. An “I won’t dignify your flatulent offer with a response“ sort of thing.

But I hate the people that ignore legitimate negotiable trades. If you don’t want to trade, tell me to go f’ myself if you want to, but tell me something. Don’t ignore me. That’s my wife’s job. (rimshot) Damn snobs. Or maybe they are just too chickenbleep to press a button either way. Too afraid to accept. Too afraid to reject. Too afraid to live dammit!

Something has been puzzling me for some time now. Why in the hell do the Falcons ever call for a play in which Michael Turner has to run wide past the hash marks? I’ve seen them try it several times this season and he only gets the corner if two lineman and a safety collide en route. Do the Falcons base their play-calling on his dated nickname, “The Burner?” Because there is no “burn” left after Turner trudges his way toward the sideline, only to find himself ducking and covering as linemen fall on him like junk falling out of Mr. Whoopee’s closet on Tennessee Tuxedo. Okay, some of you have no f’ing idea who Mr. Whoopee or Tennessee Tuxedo are. So for your benefit, it would be like the avalanche of skeletons falling out of your average politician’s closet if you could pick the lock.

Fortunately we don’t have to pick the lock. In every election we find out much of the bad stuff all the candidates have done, as each candidate rats out their opponent, and tells us through horrifying and chilling ads what lying rat bastards one another are. And then we elect one of them anyway. It’s our right.

Voting is kind of like making a 20th round fantasy draft choice. There’s nobody you really like. Nobody you really trust. Nobody that can really help you. You have no expectations except failure but you have to punch in the name you find the least offensive. Unfortunately we can’t trade our politicians for a free agent if we don’t like them after a week or two. So please, for the good of the country, exercise your right to vote for the least offensive lying rat bastard on your ballot. And let freedom ring.

Misery Index

10a) Bills/Jets: Bet neither one of you figured on being the Dolphins bitch this year did ya’?

10) Eagles: Pssst. I’ve got a hot fantasy tip for you, but keep it to yourself, we need to keep this on the down-low. Here it is. Start any team defense you can against the Eagles. And you didn’t hear it from me.

9) Raiders: Don’t worry Raiders, for every Doug Martin victim that has a new-found hatred for you, there is a Doug Martin owner that would love to buy you a beer. And then later juke you on the way to the bathroom line.

8) Redskins: Shanahan leaned heavily on the word “disappointing” during his press conference. I would have probably leaned more toward “chit-fest.” RG3 took a shot to the ribs and his owners took a shot to the groin for the second week in a row, and now know first hand what it feels like to be a Philip Rivers or Mark Sanchez owner.

7) Cardinals: The 4-0 start was as misleading as the average political commercial. What has followed is just as unseemly.

6) Bengals: I wonder if the Bengals have noticed that they went out of their way to get a more expensive version of Cedric Benson in BGE. 3.4 yards a carry for the Law Firm. Cedric Peerman has 7 carries for 80 some yards and he never saw a touch in the Bengals latest loss. What the hell does a Law Firm have to do to get disbarred these days?

5) Cowboys: I saw a camera shot of Jay Ratliff praying on sideline during Cowboys opening drive of the 2nd half. And that’s really all you can do Jay. Pray that Jerra finally fires himself as the GM and hires someone with a clue. I doubt that prayer request will make it to God’s short list, but what the hell, it’s worth a shot.

4) Browns: This has to be the most painful loss of the season for the Browns. New Browns losing to the old Browns. It’s like having your wife run off with another guy, but once a year she comes back to kick you in the nuts. The Browns went for a 4th &2 late in the 4th quarter. Not a bad decision. Designing the play to go to Greg Little? You were just asking for a kick in the sack.

3) Panthers: All through the 4th quarter I kept telling my son that you guys would blow the lead. I was trying to have a teachable moment with my son. Teaching him something I have learned to be true. Teaching him that teams that don’t know how to win, don’t win. Teaching him that no lead was too big for you to blow. Trying to show him that his father sees all, knows all, and shares all. Well, you made me a liar and a fraud to my own son. Thought I was on rock solid ground there on that one. I’ll never regain his trust. I hope you are proud of yourselves. Try thinking about the kids next time guys.

2) Jaguars: Hey, I forgot you guys last week. That’s pretty bad. I can’t figure out if it is just old age creeping up on me already, or the fact that you are so irrelevant I keep forgetting you are even in the league.

1) Chiefs: Romeo fired himself as defensive coordinator so he can fully concentrate on screwing up everything else.


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