Well friends, another season winds down. The older you get the faster they blow by. I like to take a few minutes to reflect at the end of every season. Assess myself and my teams. Try to pinpoint the exact moment I managed to totally screw up my season.
Some of you might not be aware, if you don’t read the preseason articles I write, just what a mystical seer of the future I can be. Oh, sure. I’m the kid in the back of the class making wisecracks. But I’m a solid B+ student in between detentions.
I wrote an article called “Comeback Candidates.” My boys were Manning, Austin, Daniels, Chris Johnson, and Maclin. Okay, I kind of whiffed on the Maclin. And CJ didn’t really come back save for a string of schedule friendly games in the middle of the season. Austin was fairly consistent finishing as a low end WR2 despite playing second fiddle to Dez Bryant. But I hit a home run on Owen Daniels and Peyton Manning.
Come on now. Seriously. Who else was pimping Daniels? Anybody? Oh hell no. Thank you very much.
Of course, leave it to me to brag about pimping a guy that left me a big fat loser with his disappearing act in the playoffs.
In my Players to Avoid column I warned against Vincent Jackson and Andre Johnson. Both ended up being drafted almost exactly according to value. Jackson was maybe a bit undervalued. Not proud of those. But I hit on Cam Newton, Mike Vick, Ryan Matthews and the rest. I guess Shonn Greene actually wasn’t drafted too far out of line as to where he ended up. I have to give the guy credit. He didn’t suck nearly as bad as I expected him to. An over-achieving New York Jet. Like a sasquatch, a mythical creature often talked of but rarely seen, and never actually proven to exist.
When I grabbed an unknown running back named Alfred Morris in the last round of my keeper league draft, I really never anticipated he would end up being my keeper running back over Chris Johnson in 2013. But that sure looks like the prudent move right now. Wait a minute. I’m about to put the future of my keeper team in the hands of “The Rat.” The scourge of fantasy running back owners, now shackled to my fantasy future. It’s a brave new world.
In my dynasty league I traded Miles Austin for Tony Romo in week 6. Romo rewarded me with a top 3 performance between weeks 7-16. My dynasty team had been languishing at the QB position since I rode Kurt Warner’s cape his last few years in Arizona. That was a nice trade. Everybody was bailing on Romo and I was buying. Timing is everything.
Unfortunately as with many trades, that left me with a dilemma at WR3, where I faced a weekly dart throwing contest between Lance Moore, Andre Roberts, Anquan Boldin, and TY Hilton. I rarely hit the bullseye and despite my bench strength from a power rank aspect, I managed to avoid submitting the optimum lineup on far too many occasions.
The only thing worse than too few options on a fantasy roster is too many. Because then you have no excuse. Then you are just a jackass. Nice to meet you. EE-AHHH!
By the time I decided to quit screwing around with the dartboard, and just go with Lance Moore every week, Victor Cruz and the Giants packed it in for the season and I was dead in the water. Thanks for coming. I really thought Cruz would be top 5 again, but with Nicks struggles defenses were able to key on him. But it could be worse. I could be a Nicks owner.
As for the upcoming post-season I am going to root for a round 3 for the Seahawks v. 49ers in the championship game. Let’s just go ahead and dub it “Face-Off.” The battle of the smug Carroll, carelessly throwing his considerable chin around while he chomps on his omnipresent chewing gum like a prepubescent girl, against the similarly smug Harbaugh who spends half the game looking like he just opened the bathroom door and saw grandpa laying the wood to grandma.
10) Titans: I have really shortchanged the Titans this year. They probably deserve a lot less credit than I have given them. I mean, it is hard to only lose 11 games when you are outscored for the season by 159 points. I’d love to spread some optimism here, but Bud Adams is still the owner. Remember him? The one that fell in love with Vince Young, saddled a fine head coach with the responsibility of performing a miracle by turning him into an NFL quarterback, then ran the head coach out of town when he failed?
9) Chargers: Oh sure, I could take one last parting shot at Norvert and A.J. and their reign of terrible. But haven’t these two submitted themselves to enough humiliation already? To point out their suckitude yet again would be as pointless as describing black as dark, or water as wet. We find the truth of these buffoons to be self evident. You will be missed Crater Face and A.J. Here’s hoping the new head coach can slap the Mark Sanchez out of Philip Rivers.
8) Cardinals: There is no chance in hell the 49ers trade Alex Smith within the division, but Mark Sanchez and Mike Vick will be available and either one of them would be a massive upgrade. I an unable to describe with mere words just how sad that is.
7) Buccaneers: A young lad dressed up as a pirate knocks on the door of an elderly lady on Halloween. The lady answers the door and the lad waves his sword and says, “trick or treat.” The old lady says, “Oh my goodness, a little pirate, where are your buccanneers?” The little boy says, “They’re at the bottom of the Buccan standings, don’t you read the Buccan paper lady?”
6) Raiders: An unimaginative offense constantly playing from behind due to an inept defense. How that Roger stays jolly I’ll never know.
5) Lions: I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that the Lions aren’t even considering a head coaching change. Given the history of the team, that 10 win season in 2011 will provide enough fumes to keep Schwartz employed until Suh has to use a walker to inflict late hits on his opponents.
4) Eagles: Chip Kelly is rumored to be the Eagles desired replacement for outgoing Andy Reid. Kelly is a legend in Oregon and in college football in general, so it will be interesting to see if he wants to soar with the Eagles or keep swimming with the Ducks.
3) Jets: The Tebow experiment ends up a tribute to the Geraldo Rivera “Al Capone” vault opening special. Lots of hype and anticipation. But in the end the people that put on the show end up looking like buffoons. Not as much as people that invested time watching either fiasco, but buffoons all the same. Colin Cowherd suggested Tebow should go to the CFL if he REALLY wants to be a starting quarterback. But why should he when there are suckers like the Jets and the Jaguars? Apparently some people will spend as many years waiting for Tebow to “become a star“ as we did speculating if Barry Sanders would un-retire. Of the two I still think Sanders coming back is more plausible. He could take Shonn Greene’s job right now. Or Tim Tebow’s. I’m sure he could outrun either of them.
2) Jaguars: During halftime of the Saturday night game ESPN reported that it was a virtual certainty that Tim Tebow would join the Jaguars in 2013 and would enter into an “open competition” at quarterback. What? With who? MJD? Because I’ll tell you right here and now MJD throws a better ball than Tebow. And the fact that “open competition” is being thrown around tells you how little the Jags understand the game of football. Most of us with a modicum of football acumen can see that to commit to Tebow as your quarterback, you would need to tailor your entire offense around him. And that’s pretty hard to do for a guy that by all rights should be playing fullback. I’m guessing the Jags will just be setting up camp here for a few more years if this is the direction they will be headed.
1) Chiefs: The thought seems to be that Crennel and Pioli will return for a curtain call of this season’s biggest NFL flop. I guess it’s only fair. I mean, they earned that first overall draft pick, I guess it’s only fair to give them a shot at blowing it.