FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary From The Edge: Week 14
Kevin Ratterree
December 3, 2013
 

Everybody has their Cade Foster. Alabama fans thought they were above it. But every team has a player, a kicker in their past that draws the ire of the fan base. For myself, as a Chiefs fan, it is Lin Elliot. I still to this day blame him for having the audacity to piss on Joe Montana’s legacy. I don’t want to hate him. Many years have passed. But if he was across the street and his hair was on fire, I would probably pick up my newspaper and walk back in the house.

Cruel? Yes. But let’s face it. That scenario is unlikely to play out. So it is merely fodder for a bored mind. Empty thoughts that fall to the ground as harmlessly as one of that bastard Elliot’s missed field goals.

I never sat down and wrote him a letter telling him I wished death on his family. The brave new world of technology however, has afforded that opportunity to the masses, and they have taken advantage to the fullest extent of inhumanity.

I’ll grant you, ‘Bama fans have a good reason to be pissed. But a big part of their anger should be pointed at Coach Nick Saban. Saban had the good sense to bench Foster for the 57 yard field goal attempt. But for a rookie? The fact that Saban opted for the 57 yard field goal at all, considering the situation as it was, was a questionable coaching decision at best.
    
So while you ‘Bama fans are out shopping for your pitchforks and lanterns, you might give some thought to the fact that the whole team was out-played, out-coached, and the other team deserved to win. Losing. It happens. Hard to believe I know. If you think you are crushed right now just wait until the NFL kidnaps your coach. Might as well start working on your Saban death threats right about now. I have a feeling you will all get around to nailing him for this game when the time is right.

Now that I have pissed off one delusional fan-base, I might as well get the other while I am at it. Granted, most Ohio State fans had nothing to do with being ranked #2 in the BCS poll, but if there is anybody out there that truly thinks Ohio State deserves to play for the national championship, you are either a blind-ass homer (excused), or your brain is only slightly less defective than the nut-jobs threatening to kill some kid over a football game.

I am no college football expert, but I have watched enough Ohio State this year to know that they would be crushed like a bug by Auburn, Missouri, Alabama, and probably a few other upper crust teams with the audacity to lose a conference game or two.

Ohio State against anybody for a national championship is a game that should never happen. A team that can’t stymie the offensive power-houses in the Big Ten have no business anywhere near the real football that should be played in the championship game. The Mizzou/Auburn winner should face Florida State in the championship game.

And any Ohio State fan that disagrees with me, obviously doesn’t truly love their team. If they did, they would not want to see them humiliated, and that is 100% guaranteed if they are served up on the BCS altar. You just let Michigan drop 41 on you, and had to stave off a 2 point try at the end of regulation to stay undefeated. Please. Let’s be adults here. Let’s not be hypnotized by the shiny sparkling zero in the right column. It has serious occlusions.
     
But when you look at the BCS rankings today, and likely after next weekend, when they will really count, they are trying to sell you a championship game with no SEC team. That would make me cry like that little Alabama boy in the stands after Auburn rudely introduced him to losing Saturday.

But nothing would make me cry like Knowshon Moreno. My god, how does a human produce tears like that? Dude could watch a sad movie and do his laundry all at the same time. But I digress.

So the team that emerges from the conference that won the last 7 championships and has become the de facto “farm league” of the NFL will be shoved aside for a couple of teams from clearly inferior conferences? And somehow that determines the best team in the nation? Guess what? The Chiefs were 9-0. They weren’t the best team in the league.   Not difficult to figure out.
 
Kirk Herbstreit, who knows college football probably as well as anybody, went on ESPN and told the audience with a straight face that Ohio State should play in the championship game. Just a matter of fact. It’s sad that his homerism is forcing him to say words he surely knows are not true. Credibility lost, but he will always be a hit at the alumni dinner.

Life and career gets so complicated when you have too many asses to kiss.

Here’s hoping Michigan State can pull off the upset in the Big Ten championship game, and prevent me from placing the largest wager of my life against Ohio State in the national championship game. Seriously. Don’t make me do this.  Don't make any of us watch this.

You know me. I am as humble as Mr. Rogers. And it’s a good thing; otherwise I would be breaking my arm patting myself on the back for practically begging you to get on the Nick Foles train. That alone was worth your subscription price. Come on now. Who else was making that call? Nicks mom? You just can’t teach that kind of intuition, or reach it on an abacus. My work for the season is done here. No thanks necessary. Just doing my job.

Since that week 10 column, Foles is the 8th ranked quarterback, but he only has 3 games in those 4 weeks. On a per-game basis, Foles is blowing away the field. I humbly accept your undying gratitude and/or admiration.

Unfortunately those are the only benefits I will receive from the Foles journey to fantasy glory. I spent myself out of bidding contention in my redrafts, and was too high on the waiver chain in my keeper league. Trade offers were summarily rebuffed.  So I am living vicariously through those of you fortunate enough to take my advice. That’s all I have left. Except self-loathing over the fact that my lone team left is sporting the restrictor plate version of Matt Ryan. Ain’t life a bitch sometimes?

Most of us just sit down and watch football games. Some people feel the need to tape themselves watching football games, in hopes others will watch them watching the game. And then we have entities such as ESPN that make that happen. Even for those of us that do not seek them out.

I can’t tell you how little interest I have in watching Jethro running in place, tugging at his dirty underwear while Auburn scores the winning touchdown. Or watching a bunch of ’Bama honks throw the temper tantrum of a lifetime. I really couldn’t care less about your joy or your sorrow, or the Pier One imports you fling at your walls. I personally took a dump after the ’Bama / Auburn game. That was my reaction. I was glad the game didn’t go to overtime so I wouldn’t risk “missing” a bowel movement right after the Thanksgiving eating marathon. I guess maybe it’s time for a tripod in the bathroom. And all I have to do is act naturally.

Misery Index

10a) Rams: Last week I posed the prospect of countering the rules changes by having defenders start to target the groin area. My thought however was to use the helmet. Apparently one of the Rams players misunderstood, and dragged down Vernon Davis by his junk. Talk about a pulled groin. Teammates refused his high five invitation afterward. Nobody wants to touch hands that touched a little V.D.

10) Packers: Well, you did it. You made me look like an ass for saying you would beat the Lions, just like every other team has on Thanksgiving day since Aaron Rodgers could only dream about growing a porn-stache. And now the news comes out that Rodgers may be done for the season. Based on what I have seen over the last several weeks, Rodgers should be awarded the MVP for every season from this point forward. And probably retroactively as well.

9) Redskins: The last thing a confused and incompetent organization needs is confused and incompetent officiating. I mean, how can you know which receiver to let drop the next pass if you don’t even know what down it is? Luckily the NFL had the right buffoons on the job for this game, as nobody really gives a rat’s ass. Especially that French dude that (surprise) surrendered the ball on a 4th down catch.

8) Raiders: So you lost 2 games in a row. It’s not like anybody expected you not to suck. The good news is Geno Smith is up next, and he is just as lost as your organization in it’s entirety.

7) Bills: Toronto’s hard partying mayor showed up wearing the team’s gear. One embarrassment witnessing another. I’m guessing he might have a certain affinity for the Bills since he probably uses rolled up bills to snort various things. And he certainly looks like he has eaten a Buffalo or two in his day. It’s nice he has found a way to spend his new-found free time, rooting for losers rather than just being one.
   
6) Jets: You really had us going there for awhile. How you were winning with no skill players was magical, but every fairy tale ends eventually. And there is no point in kissing that toad of a head coach you have, he would have turned into a prince by now if he was going to. You’re just begging for more warts at this point.

5) Steelers:  I have to tell you, I lost some respect for Mike Tomlin. I mean, his acting job was slightly more convincing than Jason Kidd’s ridiculous “spilled drink” schtick in the NBA last week, but just as amateurish and transparent. I heard people defending him, being a man of such integrity he would never do such a thing on purpose! He is above reproach. Okay. You go ahead and have fun in your sunshine and lollipop world. You see an honest man making an honest mistake. I see a desperate man doing the kind of thing desperate men do.

4) Vikings: Nobody can accuse you of quitting. Underachievement, lack of preparedness, weak personnel, unimaginative and questionable coaching, yes. But quitting, no.
 
3) Buccaneers: Well, it’s over. It’s like when you are dating a really hot chick. And you can’t believe you even got this hot chick, and you have no idea how it is happening. It is like you are dreaming. And then a few weeks go by and “poof,” the hot chick leaves in the middle of the night with a water purifier salesman from Encino. It’s over. And there you are, left with just mental snapshots. Well, and a few cell-phone shots you took while she was asleep. Come on. Admit it. Sicko.

2) Falcons: Yeah, you won. But it was the Bills. And it took you into overtime. Go beat what’s left of the Packers this Sunday and we’ll suck you out of the bottom of this septic tank. Maybe. Probably not.

1) Texans: Did you hear the Texans Antonio Smith, mystified that Belichick made halftime adjustments to the Texans ultra-secret new game-plan? “But we put in new stuff! How did they figure out that new stuff so fast?” Espionage? Voodoo? No. Simple. Their head coach is not Kubiak. But I’m going to give Smith a pass. He tried to knock Incognito’s head off with his helmet earlier this year, so he seems like a pretty good dude.


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