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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge - Week 2
Kevin Ratterree
September 14, 2010
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And then, reality reared its ugly head.

So the 49ers might not storm their way through the division to a glorious Superbowl victory.  They got chumped by the quarterback no fantasy drafter wanted, and the defense nobody drafted.

The Colts misplaced their Texans mojo.  Either Arian Foster is a great big bad-ass, or the Colts run-defense really stinks, or both.   Either way, the Colts won’t have to worry about any fans getting bent about “not going for the undefeated season” or “assigning bye positions”  come December.  And we fantasy players might not have to worry about the Colts “resting players.”   Raise your hand if you are opposed.

Who is this Bob Sanders I keep hearing about?  Did he used to be a player?

The Dolphins can win the first game of the season if you give them an easy enough opponent.

The Saints and Vikings are capable of playing a game that makes you  sleepy, and their players are capable of making you curse the day you discovered fantasy football.

Sometimes a touchdown isn’t a touchdown. 

While watching Monday night football, I kept wondering how long it would take Haley to draw the dots between Chiefs three and outs and the possessions where Jamaal Charles actually touched the ball and they got first downs and touchdowns and stuff.  Luckily it only takes Jamaal about 10 touches to equal most backs production, so even Haley’s inexplicable man-love for Thomas Jones won’t deter Charles.

Permission to panic:  Kolb, D. Jackson, Fitzgerald, Crabtree, Schaub, Andre Johnson,  all Lions. 

Kevin Kolb might have been a tad over-rated.  Suddenly the Eagles adoption of Michael Vick doesn’t seem as pointless as a Bill Belichick press conference.   The head coach says Kolb is the starter.  But the fans in the stands may not exhibit the patience with Kolb that Andy Reid will.  This could get interesting.

Mike Vick said after the game that maybe if he had been in there for all 4 quarters they would have won.  Maybe.  But if you hadn’t tortured and killed innocent animals for your own amusement, had instead concentrated on football, and dedicated yourself to the craft, maybe you wouldn’t need the starter to eat the 20 yard line to get extended playing time.  Damn the bad luck.

I watched ESPN2’s fantasy show for a few minutes Sunday morning just in time to hear Erik Kuselias trashing Chris Cooley.   To hear Mr. Kuselias tell it one might get the idea that Mr. Cooley downright sucks.  Not, sucks for this year.  Not, sucks because he got injured.  Not, sucks because Fred Davis could steal his thunder.  Just sucks in general.  Not enough touchdowns was what he hung his hat on.  Chris Cooley who was the first tight end to catch 6TDs in each of his first four seasons?  Well, that is an opinion.  But really?  You are rolling with that?  On national TV?  Wow.  I mean, its okay for your little radio show.  But to blast such a stream of mouth manure on the “big show” you really must be looking to make a name for yourself.   Mission accomplished.  I dub thee Kasillyass.    

I love the fact that ESPN is trying to provide fantasy content.  And I am glad that they have someone as passionate about fantasy football as Mr. Kuselias.  I appreciate that he tries to inject fantasy into the content of ESPN radio.  Unfortunately, our ambassador provides spotty advice,  and some of his opinions are downright ludicrous.  But he delivers them with such conviction, there are probably people that buy in.  And his advice is worth every penny.

Anybody that has been playing fantasy football for any length of time knows the scoop on Chris Cooley.  If anything he has been under-rated by the fantasy community.  Under-rated is a term that will likely never be uttered about the four letter network’s coverage of our hobby. 

As a side note I personally enjoyed Cooley’s performance in my PPR league Sunday.  Quite satisfying.   Something that will likely never be uttered about the four letter network’s coverage of our hobby.  Did I already say that?    

Terry Bradshaw’s Ben Roethlisberger rant is going to get him a ton of action from the ladies.  I mean, I’m sure that wasn’t his motivation for roasting Big Bender.  I’m sure he was just telling the world how he honestly  felt.  But when you can stick to your convictions AND get some quality booty out of it? Double rainbow. 

Randy Moss:  Poor put upon Randy doesn’t feel appreciated.  Yeah, he likes the money.  He likes the fame.  The hats with logos from franchises in cities 3000 miles away from the one he plays in.  But there is an empty spot in his soul, and he felt the need to share it with us Sunday.  He feels like the head coach should pat him on the back and tell him he is the bestest receiver he ever had, while the owner opens his wallet and lets it rain all over poor Randy’s sideways hat wearing head.  Listen Randall, when the Patriots brought you in you would have given a left grape to escape from Brokeland. 

Does Randy sit around in  moments of profound self-pity, watching the game tapes from 2007?  Back when they REALLY loved him.  Fun times.  Well, up until the Superbowl anyway.   I would think that a guy at this stage of his career would want a ring more than anything.  But none of that matters to Moss, all he wants is the coach to tell him that he is special.  Oh, and that new contract thing too if its not too much trouble.  Then he’ll feel appreciated and all will be we fine in Randyland.   

I’m not anti-player.  The players deserve the money they get.  But I don’t want to be involved in your politics.  Football is our escape from reality.  We don’t want reality shoved in our faces.  And the reality is that there was a “representation” of players holding up fingers in unity, not every player.  So if you say you are unified, be unified and walk as a team out on the field and do your picketing.  Otherwise, just keep it between the owners and yourselves.  We’ll get involved when games start getting cancelled and there is a disruption in the flow of our money to the league.  It’s our money, but we don’t have a say in it.  Don’t involve me in your saber rattling over how you will slash each other’s throats to have it.  It’s like watching a fight between two dudes about who will have your girlfriend next.  Bottom line, we really don’t care.  Get ’er done.

Ray Lewis and Old Spice jump the shark together:
 
Hey, how about that commercial where Ray Lewis is dressed in bubbles, puts a saddle on a giant bird, and jumps out a window onto its back? And then flames start shooting out of the birds ass, and Lewis flies it up in the air, where he goes all Star Wars and blows up a planet?

At first, I thought the downside of the “experimentation” I did at that Ozzy Osbourne concert back in the 80’s had come home to roost.  But turns out this was a commercial for Old Spice. I suspect those might be the kinds of hallucinations one has when one inhales too many Old Spice fumes.  I think that is the connection. Maybe that is why my grandpa acts so confused a lot of the time. When I want to smell like Old Spice, I just hug my grandpa. Lasts for hours. Much like the disturbing mental image of Ray Lewis dressed in bubbles, mounting a flaming-ass bird.

Technology.  It’s not all good.

Misery Index

10)  Cowboys:  I guess when you are starting cast-offs from the Rams offensive line this is what you get.  Romo better brush up on his “one-step drops” and the head coach might want to think about putting the kibosh on any pointless offensive plays at the end of the half.   Chuck it or tuck it.  It’s not rocket science.  If the Cowboys players don’t completely screw the pooch, the coaches are always there for sloppy seconds.

9) 49ers:  Alex Smith is still Alex Smith.  And as of right now, the best team in the Northwest is the Seattle Seahawks.  I’m pretty sure you will need to rule the great Northwest before you rule the league.  And Alex Smith is your guy.  “Alex Smith leads the 49ers to the Superbowl.  Alex Smith comes through in playoff win.  Alex Smith comes through in the clutch to land the 49ers in the playoffs.”  Doubtful.  My money is on this one, ”Alex Smith yanked in finale, ‘Niners salvage an 8-8 season.” 

8) Raiders:  McNabb probably won’t fix what was wrong with the Redskins, and Campbell certainly won’t fix what is wrong with the Raiders. Well, unless he hides around corners at the facility and jumps out and scares Al into a heart attack.  But that‘s probably just wishful thinking. 

7) Panthers:  Hey, you didn’t really think that Jake Delhomme was the ONLY problem here did you?   Maybe it’s about time for Steve Smith to punch somebody.  Think he is healed enough to land a haymaker with that busted wing yet?

6)  Buccaneers:  Hey, you beat Mangini.  We’ll revisit your status when you beat a real head coach. 

5) Browns:  See #6.

4) Rams:  Sam Bradford didn’t totally suck.  He was credited with a tackle on one of his interceptions.  And you have to like a young man that cleans up after himself. 

3)  Bills:  As bad as the Rams looked, lets face it, the Bills looked worse.  At least Bradford had several long throws that landed in the vicinity of his receivers.  Not only that, the Rams have a running back that gained over 19 yards.  Until you can best that the Rams are gonna own your asses.

2) Lions:  You knew it.  I knew it.  We all knew it. And it happened.  Some of you let yourself get caught up in it, and you went and put them on your rosters.  I feel your pain.  I have been there my friend.  I know, I know, there there, let it all out.  Yes, your team was too young to die.  No fantasy owner should have to suffer like this.   That being said, you know what happens to the Edmund Fitzgerald but climbed aboard anyway.  So dry it up and strap on a life-vest.  You’ll be drifting in the waivers for awhile.        

1) Bears:  Okay, maybe you Bears fans are going to be pissed.  But I’m just telling you what I see.  This team needed a flaw in the NFL rules to get over on the Lions with Shaun Hill at quarterback at home.  The really bad news is that Matt Forte faces a team other than the Lions next week and he likely turns back into a pumpkin.

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