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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge - Week 5
Kevin Ratterree
October 5, 2010
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I have a confession.  I traded for Vincent Jackson in my dynasty league early in the preseason.  I rolled the dice on a gut feeling.  On the surface, it would appear to most that I screwed the pooch, being as how Jackson won’t be playing this season and all.  But if I told you that the player I traded for him was Marques Colston, would you think me less a loser?  Maybe a little?

Trades in dynasty especially are all about perception.  Colston was perceived as a legitimate number one before the season started.  Jackson was perceived as a guy that wouldn’t be playing this year.  Before all this ugliness with Jackson and A.J. Smith, I probably couldn’t have made the move for VJax.  So I gambled.  I lost.  Or did I? 

At this point, I still feel like I won this trade, for the simple fact that I believe I picked the perfect time to unload Colston, before his stock fell, and while Jackson’s was low.  At least with Vincent Jackson, I have a chance of upside.   I think we have seen the best Colston is going to do, numbers-wise.  And that is why I traded him.   It was time.  And if he hits this week it will be time to trade him in your redraft.

It would have been a wonderful bonus if the player I traded him for was actually playing this season, but it is a dynasty league after all. Still, It is quite depressing to imagine what VJax and Sam Bradford might be doing right now, if only A.J. Smith didn’t possess the lethal combination of the greed of Montgomery Burns, and the intellect of Homer Simpson.

Never underestimate greed and stupidity.  Were you the guy that spent all his waiver money on Mike Vick or Brandon Jackson?   

In any case, I don’t have to be tempted to start Colston and get stuck with 7 points per.  I can start Maclin, have Vick get hurt, and settle for 2.5 points.   It’s six of one, half dozen etc. etc.

So anyway, what the hell is up?  Any of you have this thing figured out this season?  Really?  I’m hanging around the top of my leagues other than the dynasty fiasco, and I still don’t feel like I know what the hell is going on.  It’s like we fell the rabbit hole.

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small.  Up is down.  Right is wrong. Red is blue and yellow white.  And who the hell knows which running back is right?

Oh I know some things.  Like I was stupid for not drafting Arian Foster.  That pill makes you larger.

I was quite stupid for advising people to join me on a suicide mission for Jerome Harrison. That pill makes you small. 

Drafting Leon Washington was not a great idea.  The one this mother gave you doesn’t do anything at all.

But on the bright side, I’m thinking I didn’t over pay for Antonio Gates at 3:8 after all.  Advising everybody that he deserved to be drafted as the first tight end off the board almost makes up for the Jerome Harrison fiasco.  Ding!

In fact, given the instability of a seeming majority of players, I’m not sure Gates isn’t the most valuable player in fantasy football right now.  As a matter of fact I’m pretty sure he is the most valuable player in fantasy football.  A tight end third in overall fantasy points?   Brutality.  You couldn’t see this coming?

I’ll tell you what else I saw coming.  The resurrection of David Garrard. I dropped Garrard like a Waffle House meal with stale coffee chasers load before last week.  And right on cue he finally played his way out of the dog-house.  Not only that, but he sacked up and played his best game in a game where I bet against his loser ass.  Garrard, I didn’t start nothing with you.  Sam Bradford and an unnatural love for the Colts made me do it.  You vengeful bastard.

And let’s talk about those Colts, shall we?  In one of my re-draft leagues I ended up with 3 Colts players.  Manning, Wayne, Collie.  I’m not sure what cosmic event triggered this unnatural occurrence.  But so far it has been a peaceful haven from the chaos of the rest of the fantasy world.

So I have established that it is acceptable to draft and start a quarterback and 2 wide receivers from the same team as long as that team has a horrible defense, and anemic running attack, and the quarterback’s name is Peyton Manning.   

I seem to have stumbled onto something.  Lots of deep thought went into this one.  Have Colts players handed to you at ridiculous bargain prices in your draft.  Now that’s a strategy that works.   This Colts connection is proving deadly.  It just might win me a championship.  4-0 so far.   I’m guessing I might push this streak until the Colts bye week 7.  I’m pretty sure I won’t be pulling 3 players off my bench that will score 80 points.  But hey, until then it’s party time at Peyton’s Place!  Damn, why didn’t I name my team Peyton’s Place?   Slipping I guess.

Breast Cancer Awareness month is a great idea.  But I fear the name of the campaign might be too subtle.  We men need to be clubbed over the head, so if you really want to drive the point home might I suggest the “Save the Boobs” foundation.   Wait a minute.  People might think that has something to do with providing security protection for refs that blow calls in big games.  Hmm.  I’ll get back to you. 

But anyway, back to party-time, how about that Football Night in America?  Boy NBC really knows how to party.  You have your holy guy Tony Dungy and your ass-holy  guy Rodney Harrison throwing verbal hay-makers.  Rodney plays in the studio the same way he played on the field.  Dirty.  Rodney roughs up Dungy pretty good.  But Dungy forgives him because he knows God loves all his children, even the a-holes.   Yeah Tony, that’s all well and good, but if you fire this guy up, you might not want to trust God protect your knees.   That has not worked out well in the past.  

Rodney, please don’t bust up that skinny old man’s knees.  How is the man gonna pray for your evil soul with his knees all busted up?  Come on man!  

Misery Index

10a) Jay Cutler:  When I watched Cutler get beat to a pulp in the first half, my first thought was, “This is why you don’t mess around with a co-workers wife, I wonder which offensive lineman’s honey Cutler has been horn-dogging.  Because there is just no other excuse for letting your boy get killed like that, unless he had it coming.  And even so, maybe you let him hit the deck 3-4 times and figure he got the message.  But then when he finally went TKO, and Collins came in and got lit up immediately, I realized it must not be a case of the Bears linemen being pissed at Cutler.  They just flat out suck.  And there is no cure for suck.  It is also clear that Cutler did not come with the optional “timer” in his head like the deluxe models.  The fact that these glaring deficiencies translate to a 3-1 start only serves notice to what a wacked league the NFL is right now.  

10) Eagles:  Uh-oh.  A funny thing happened on the way to Mike Vick leading the Eagles to an unlikely Superbowl win.   It’s a good thing that football owners don’t treat damaged players they way Vick used to treat….oh, never mind.  I’m not going to beat a dead horse, er dog.  Whatever.

9) Raiders:  It’s always about this time of year that people that bought into the impossible notion that an organization so hopelessly out of touch such as this one might actually contend, begin to realize that they have been fooled again (black corn-holed).  That reminds me.  I was thinking about the collective bargaining agreement upcoming, and wondering if there is any way we can add a provision where the league can force the owner of one franchise a year to sell his team, based on mental incompetence. 

8) Vikings:  Did you have a nice rest?  Heal all your wounds?  Welcome back!  Good luck against the Jets this week.  Remember them Brett?   The team you used to worm your way back to the NFC Norris?  They aren’t exactly pushovers anymore.  I hear they like to blitz a lot and inflict blows on sore ankles.  Rather nasty undisciplined lot.  I would suggest you just run Peterson all day, but it seems those Jets don’t take kindly to that sort of thing either.  Hmm.  Might be tough to Wrangle your way out of this one.   Real, uncomfortable, Greens. 

7) Bengals:  You lost to the Browns.  You know the drill.  Smell-test-fail.   Big stink.   Big surprise.   The bad part is that the game wasn’t even that close except a Browns defender fell down allowing Terrell Owens to re-live his past glory for a few moments.  If the Bungles  get lit up by Tampa Bay at home the implosion begins in earnest.  Getcha’ popcorn ready. 

6) Cardinals:  I scoured the sports books looking for a prop bet on which would last longer:  Kurt Warner on Dancing With the Stars or Derek Anderson, starter for the Cards.  I KNEW I was right.  Damn rip-off sports books never give a guy an even break. 

5) Browns:  Yeah, you beat the Bengals.  Week one, we might have been surprised and impressed.  Week four?  Not so much. 

4) Panthers:   Coach Fox.  We need to talk.   Remember the good old days where I would defend you and say nice things about you because I liked your style?  Yeah, I’m pretty much over it now.   Have you considered Division One?  Red hot I hear.  Lots of perks.  Perky Coeds.  I mean, I know you would never….but it  never hurts to look.  Unless your wife catches you.   I’m just saying…    

3) Lions:  I left the Lions off the list last week.  Did you notice?  Hey, I’m getting older, maybe I just forgot them.  Or maybe I thought they deserved a break after their years here in the Index.  That maybe we appreciated the fact that they are putting up a good fight in every game.  That despite their winless season, the future just looks so bright that there was no way in hell I could bring myself to once again degrade this franchise which has so clearly turned the corner and is poised for a legendary meteoric rise to the promised land.  Isn’t that possible?  Nah, I just forgot them.

2) 49ers:  I want winners!  Oh yeah, well I want Supermodels.  But guess what?   They want winners.  You can’t always get what you want.   Can’t you hear me knocking?  And hey, get off of my cloud.  I know it seems hopeless right now.  You can’t get no satisfaction.  But just remember, you play in the NFC West.  Time is on your side.  Your division is like some girls in a slap fight.  No way to handicap this thing, just get out of the way and watch the freak show.  If there will ever be an 0-4 team go to the playoffs, this could be the year.   So, what I’m saying is, you… have… a chance.  Emotional rescue is still possible.  The season has been a bitch and a heartbreaker so far, but your dreams aren’t shattered yet.  And don’t worry Alex Smith, when the whip comes down you can leave undercover of the night.   And you’d be a fool to cry because nobody will miss you.

1) Bills:  I think the picture is pretty clear here.  The ‘Niners and the Lions might match this team for “Win column futility”, but this team is just a level below the rest.  It’s like, the rest of the teams in the Index are Porta-Potties, and the Bills are the Porta-Potty dumping facility.

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