It’s the Honeymooners!
(Ralph is seated at the kitchen table which is covered with papers - Ed Norton walks in)
Norton: Hey there Ralphie boy, watcha doin, getting an early start on your taxes?
Ralph: Norton, it’s only October. I’ll do my taxes when everybody else does, on April 14th. Now leave me alone, I’m trying to concentrate.
Norton: (pulls up a chair and straddles it backwards) What are you concentrating on there Ralph? Did Alice finally come to her senses and serve you divorce papers for dinner?
Ralph: Har-dee har har. I just happen to be setting my fantasy lineup for week 6. Now this is very important so please just leave me alone, go work on your posture or something.
Norton: Well, what do you need help with Ralph? I watch lots of football.
Ralph: Okay Norton, I doubt you can be much help since you aren’t the expert that I am at this. But since you insist, tell me how you would solve this problem.
Norton: Your problems are about to be solved Ralphie boy. I‘ve got what you call that extra sensitive perception. (starts cracking knuckles, wringing his hands, adjusting his neck, on and on)
Ralph: WOULD YOU STOP THAT!! Okay, I have to pick one of these running backs to start. I have Ricky Williams, Earnest Graham, Keiland Williams, or Chris Ivory. What do you think?
Norton: Gee Ralph, to be honest I think you should stay away from the liquor store before your next draft.
Ralph: Oh that’s a riot Norton. You’re a regular Clinton Portis, that’s what you are. Now would you knock it off and help me!?
Norton: Sheesh, what a grouch. Okay let’s see here. Who are you playing against this week, is it a good team?
Ralph: That’s the thing Norton, this week I’m playing against my top competitor in the league. This game could decide the whole thing, and I spent Alice‘s Christmas money on the entry fee.
Norton: Okay, very important, lets see here…(puts on glasses and looks at page Ralph was studying)…Simple Ralph, the rest of your lineup is pretty solid, why not just start Ricky Williams? You know he will get you a few points, and maybe you get lucky and he catches a touchdown?
Ralph: You know, I was going to go that way, but I just don’t trust the Dolphins on the road.
Norton: I don’t blame you one bit Ralph, I don’t even trust Dolphins in the water. Well, it’s simple then Ralph, you have to go with Chris Ivory. Pierre Thomas is out and someone has to get carries. Simple. Problem solved.
Ralph: No no no Norton, not simple. I have started Ivory the last two weeks, and all he has done is fumbled the ball and got me a grand total of 7 points. I’ll look an imbecile if I start him again and he tanks.
Norton: Boy I don’t know Ralph, maybe against Tampa though? Nah, you’re probably right. You’ve waited long enough for him. He’s a what da ya call fumble-bum, he is.
Ralph: Yeah, besides, that is who Alice thinks I should start and I refuse to take football advice from her.
Norton: Okay then, well now we are getting somewhere. See, you really are only down to two choices then. Either Keiland Williams or Earnest Graham. Out of those two I’d pick Graham since he has actually had some points this season.
Ralph: Ya know what Norton? For once in your life you are right. Graham has more points this season than any of those guys. He’s had over 10 points a week the last three games. Why take a risk with those other guys when Graham is going to get me at least 10 points? It’s foolproof. He might not get a lot but if he got me 10 points I’d be happy. Norton, sometimes you see things pretty clear for a moron.
Norton: Gee, thanks Ralph. That’s about the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.
(Alice walks in)
Alice: What are you doing now Ralph, letting Norton pick your fantasy lineup? Oh that’s just great. You wouldn’t listen to me when I told you to bench Dwayne Bowe against the Colts. And now here you are taking advice from Norton? That’s just great Ralph. Just great. You trust this mental defect more than you trust your own wife? You wouldn’t be in this spot if you had bid a few more dollars on Ryan Torain when I told you to, but noooo, cheapskate Ralph has to save his bidding bucks. What for Ralph? What for? Can you use those bidding bucks to buy a cake for you and the rest of the losers in the league to celebrate your consolation bowl? Because that’s where you are going to end up if you keep making asinine roster decisions.
Ralph: Mmm boy, this one’s got a mouth on her. One of these days Alice, one of these days. POW!
Norton: Hey I don’t want to start any kind of trouble with my expertise.…I mean uh, my powers are meant for good… (stands up to leave)
Ralph: (grabs Norton and pulls him back down) You’re not going anywhere Norton, you are my new advisor. I trust you. (looks out of the corner of his eye at Alice) Okay Norton, I’m glad Alice brought up Dwayne Bowe. So tell me trusted advisor, should I bench Dwayne Bowe this week since he has been worthless for the first 4 games?
Norton: Ralph, you should have benched him weeks ago. That guy couldn’t catch a brown fish down in the sewer.
Ralph: So even though he is playing against the Texans, you are telling me I should bench him?
Norton: Ralph, I don’t care if he is playing the Rhode Islanders, you can’t let that slug ruin your team.
Ralph: Well, thanks for your excellent advice Norton. I happen to agree. I will bench Bowe this week. How do ya’ like that Alice? Norton said to bench Bowe and I am benching Bowe.
Alice: (rolls eyes) Oh brother.
Ralph: Alright, that’s all settled. Come on Norton, let’s go down to the sportin’ goods store. I’ll show you the bowling ball I’m gonna buy with my winnings.
Alice: Wait a minute….wait…a…..minute. Oh really? Really Ralph? What happened to buying a new icebox? What happened to letting me get my hair done? What happened to all those wonderful things you said you would buy me when you won your league?
Ralph: Homina homina homina.
Alice: (grabs roster sheet Ralph has just completed, rolls her eyes and chuckles) On second thought Ralph, you go ahead and spend every penny that you win with this team on yourself. You deserve everything you are going to get.
Ralph: Gee Alice, do you really mean that?
Alice: Every word.
Ralph: Baby, you’re the greatest.
Scene: (Monday morning, Ralph in pajamas looking over the box scores)
Ralph: (eyes bug out) NORTON!!!!
The Honeymooners. Starring Kevin Ratterree as Ralph Kramden. Kevin Ratterree’s dumb inner voice as Ed Norton. And Kevin Ratterree’s smart inner voice as Alice.
10) Bengals: Hey, here is a reality show. “Who Wants to Really Suck at Football?” Or how about this one: “Who Wants To Ignore a Big-Mouth Attention Whore?”
9) Broncos: Look, I don’t want to hear a peep out of you Brandon Lloyd owners about how he let you down this week.
8) Chargers: So now Junior Seau and Norv Turner have something else in common. They both drive things off cliffs.
7) Vikings: Dear Brett: I have heard a lot about botched surgeries lately, so might I suggest that if Deanna is still talking to you after the cyber-wang incident, you should ask her to write the name of the surgery to be performed on the body part to be operated on before they wheel you in. Hopefully she is not a vindictive woman and the word “remove” will not be written on your boys.
6) Browns: Here is a really sad thing about the NFL. The Steelers, as good as they are, are only 8 points better than the Browns with a fresh rookie at quarterback. So yeah, you suck, but sweet mediocrity is so close you can almost taste it. Kind of like the air in Cleveland.
5) 49ers: Here’s a little known fact, the 49ers/ Raiders match-up Sunday was only the 12th regular season meeting between those teams. It’s hard to imagine any of the previous 11 were any more meaningless or less inspiring than this one.
4) Lions: I don’t know when the last time being a Lions quarterback didn’t lead to disappointment if not outright disaster. I’m sure my grandpa remembered, but he is dead and buried in his Edsel, which of course is only the second worst thing Detroit ever produced. Anyone want to have a pool on how long it will take Stanton to be injured? We probably better go minutes rather than quarters don’t you think?
3) Cowboys: I think I know what the problem is. It’s Jerra’s plastic surgery. How is the team supposed to know how pissed off he is when he has forfeited his ability to frown? Dude has a smile plastered on his face 24/7. All the guys think he is happy as chit. I mean, he says some mean stuff but they think he’s just kidding because he is always smiling when he tells them they are a bunch of underachieving panty wastes.
2) Panthers: And then there were two.
1) Bills: But one seemed a bit more hopeless than the other. Still though, Alice Kramden has an eye on that Ivy league quarterback. There may be gold in them thar Bills!
Alice: …Ralph, would you listen to me just once? Would it kill you to listen just once? You need to get Fitzpatrick off waivers. Whatsa matter? You afraid to let go of Jason Campbell Ralph? He’s not a cheeseburger or a turkey leg. You can let go now.
Ralph: But Alice, Ivy league. IVY LEAGUE! And Buffalo Alice. Buffalo! I’ll be laughed out of the lodge league. I wonder if I could trade Chris Johnson for Mike Vick. I wonder what Norton thinks. Hey Norton! Get down here!
Alice: (mumbling) And I wonder if a fall from this height would be fatal?
Ralph: What’s that Alice, I didn’t hear you?
Alice: I said did you see that odd looking car out on the street? What kind of car is that Ralph? Can you see it? You might have to lean out a little more…