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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge - Week 9
Kevin Ratterree
November 2, 2010
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Things have varying values in different places at different times. For instance, in your local supermarket, a cucumber would cost you maybe the same as a pack of gum. But in a women’s prison that same cucumber would set you back two cartons of cigarettes. It’s all relative.

A month ago, Randy Moss was worth a third round draft pick to the Vikings. Now he has roughly the same value to the Vikings as that cucumber after a tour around cell block H.

But you know somebody will probably grab some tongs and pick up that cucumber.

I think most of us felt like the Moss trade to the Vikings might just bring him back from the dead. Maybe motivate him to play the way he is capable. Instead he got to Minnesota, found a wrecked hull that used to be Brett Favre, and a head coach that the players give all the respect afforded the average timid substitute teacher.

Yes, it turns out the Vikes just brought Moss over to decoy for Harvin. Much the same way the Pats used him as a decoy for Welker. Welker went to pot, and then Harvin was the chit. Now Moss goes and gets himself waived, and Harvin owners are up the double-team creek.

Randy Moss is nothing but a fantasy football wrecking ball. So far he has screwed his owners, Welker owners, and now Harvin owners. I fully expect him to sign with another team and screw more owners one way or another.

Speaking of getting screwed, after losing Dallas Clark for the season, I announced on the dynasty league message board that he was available in trade, and invited offers. This is a no contract, no salary dynasty league. I told the league that if I couldn’t work a trade I would drop him for the waiver wire scroungers. Of course, I have no intention of dropping him on the waiver wire, but things were a bit dull and I thought I would stir the pot just for kicks.

Here are the offers I received: 1 (Blair White & Tamme) Well, actually that was the only offer that wasn’t too embarrassing to print. Though after watching Tamme’s performance on Monday night the real embarrassment might be that I did not accept it.

I like putting trade offers on the table on Friday and Saturday nights. You just never know what drunk people will do. Or hung over people with blurry vision and tremendous headaches. Tacky you say? Cheap? Hey, nobody held a funnel to the Native Americans mouths and made them drink at that keg party right before they sold us Manhattan for $24.

I floated an offer of Dallas Clark for Steve Johnson Saturday night and came home early Sunday morning to an obscenity laced drunken email. It seems this league mate thought I was trying to screw him over. I thought that was a fine offer for him. Last year I offered this same owner Miles Austin for Pierre Thomas and he shot that one down as well. I knew damn good and well he would decline the offer, I just wanted it on record that he passed on Austin. And I knew he would decline the Dallas Clark offer as well.

This is “will not trade with me guy.” After he four letter blasted me for trying to steal the great Steve Johnson (who hung around our waiver wire far too long in the first place) I reminded him of how I tried to “rip him off” last year by offering him Miles Austin for Pierre Thomas. That body shot landed. I’m just glad his drunken rant finally gave me the opportunity to throw it.

“How many more killer deals are you going to let slip through your fingers?” I asked “will not trade with me guy.”

If you can’t have fun in a dynasty league you just aren’t trying. This time next year I remind him about passing on Dallas Clark. I’m already looking forward to it.

Some of my waiver wire work is finally paying off. Yes, I started Blount for the first time on Sunday. That was nice. My WCFF team might finally be set with Charles and Blount at running back. So I take a small break from self loathing this week. No, I am not going to expound on the fact that the timing of Ryan Torain’s injury coincides with my decision to drop Keiland Williams. I’m going to just pretend that did not happen, and enjoy this moment where I envision Blount force trauma for my league-mates all the way to the promised land.

I'd bet Brett Favre wishes he could pretend this season did not happen. The ever-fading playoff possibilities, the wiener scandal, the Mossus Interruptus, the weekly beatings, the getting carted off the field curled up in the fetal position. This is exactly the ugly kind of ending that I feared, but the one that Favre insisted enduring. The only degradation left is being yanked in favor of Tarvaris Jackson, but maybe he will get lucky and an injury will help him avoid that indignity.

Meanwhile, during the Vikings darkest hour, the Packers were shocking the world shutting down the New York Jets. Maybe the Jets spent all their bye week time watching repeats of themselves on television instead of figuring out a plan on how to score more than zero against the Packers. Not an impressive showing off the bye week for the best football team in the history of the sport.

I thought during this election season I had heard the most outrageous lies I would ever hear. Then I heard coach Mike Shanahan claim that Rex Grossman gave the Redskins a better chance to win running the two-minute offense. Coach Shanahan, I realize you are a “head games” kind of guy, but if Rex Grossman’s skill level is the bait you are using I think you may want to go to the tackle shop and get some fresh. The stuff you are using has gone bad. Few of us have the cardiovascular endurance to trudge through that big a pile of manure.

Is there anybody in football that isn’t going to diss Donovan McNabb?

Just in case you are keeping score at home, the next starting quarterback scheduled to be wrecked by the New York Giants defense is Matt Hasselbeck. The game is in Seattle so Matt should probably consider using his pull to reserve the best hospital room in advance. Matt, just let us know where you will be recovering and we will make ready with the get well cards.

Misery Index

10) Lions: It looks like the Lions are going to be fantasy relevant as long as Stafford stays upright. I guess I picked the wrong season to include Calvin Johnson on my players to avoid list. I lose when I pick em. I lose when I pick against em. Loveable losers? I think not.

9) Chargers: Winning that home game against the Titans shows you have a pulse, but you still look meat-wagon bound to these cynical eyes.

8) 49ers: When Troy Smith is an improvement to your quarterback situation, I think that tells you just how bad things really are. Apparently any old Smith is better than an Alex Smith. Still though, bloody awful it is to send our bloody awful over to jolly old England. Hopefully those blokes don’t mistake that Loserpalooza for actual NFL football. We probably don’t have to worry about an onslaught of “soccer converts” based on that showing.

7) Broncos: A couple of weeks ago, when Broncos fans still had a reason to live at 2-3, you had to like your chances against either or both the Raiders and the 49ers. Instead you got outscored by a combined 53 points and landed at the bottom of the AFC West. Since their 6-0 start last season, they are 4-13. Epic Fail 1. Coach Skippy 0.

6) Browns: I’m going to assume that victory over the Saints in week 7 was a complete fluke, since you got ran off the field by the Steelers the week before, and the week after the Saints ran the Steelers off the field. If you ring up the Pats at home this week, you will have my attention. Not my respect. But my attention. If Mangini reaches the 4 win plateau he should get some sort of award for his achievement as a “special needs” coach.

5) Bengals: Did you see the pass that got tipped by a defender right into Terrell Owens hands for a touchdown? If you are catching breaks like that and still can’t win against the Dolphins, you are going to need breaks on the level of Lyle Lovett hooking up with Julia Roberts to have a prayer against the Steelers and the Colts over the next two weeks.

4) Panthers: Remember those days of innocence when we used to debate about which Panthers running back was the one to own? Time well spent indeed.

3) Vikings: Well, it took Moss just a few weeks to feel comfortable enough to start burning bridges. Trouble is Randy just skipped the burning and blew the damn thing up. That was after a most uncomfortable extended on-field hug with Belichick after his old team beat his new team. What kind of sweet nothings was Moss whispering in Belichick’s ear?

Moss: I’m sorry coach, I’m sorry. If I had known what a f’ed up mess this was gonna be I'da kept my mouth shut and played almost every play just like you like. Don’t forget about me coach. I’d take less money, wash your car, fetch your ho’s, whatever man. I‘ll be on the waiver wire within 24 hours and I‘m all yours, I love you man! You’re like a father to me. I’m sorry dad. Don’t even axe me how sorry I am.

Belichick: Could you please get off me? I don’t even let people I like touch me. And who are you again?

And the third round draft pick swirls right down the drain. This team is Clark Griswold in Vegas Vacation.

2) Bills: I know, I know. Here’s the thing. I have watched the Bills despite my jokes to the contrary. And I have watched the Cowboys. Before the season people thought the Cowboys were at a certain level, and people thought the Bills were at a certain level. The Bills are only slightly less than we thought they would be. But the Cowboys are taking failure to a whole other level. I mean, there is no way the Bills won’t win a game eventually. This team is not bound for Misery Index glory. They are pretenders even at 0-7, they just took two tough teams to the wall, while the Cowboys are getting punked by Chewbacca.

We may be in the presence of greatness, ladies and gentlemen, but it isn’t the Bills. They came from out of nowhere to blow by the field like a case of Activia through Jamie Lee Curtis, your new number one…

1) Cowboys: Last week I spoke of decorum while rationalizing keeping the Cowboys out of the “bottom” spot in the Index. You can’t unseat a winless team this late in the season. That’s just the way it has always been. But the Misery Index at its core is about misery, not just losses. And when you let David Garrard come into your house and play Peyton Manning, gut you, filet you, and pack you in the mega-freezer Jerry built, leading you to 1-6, that’s pretty damn miserable. Gutless, heartless, and brainless is no way to go through life son.

But then, you would all know that if you had a leader to kick you in the ass and tell you when you are being gutless, heartless and brainless. Sowing and reaping, yada yada yada. “Thanks for coming, this has been a Jerry Jones production.” Goodnight everybody!

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