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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge - Week 17
Kevin Ratterree
December 28, 2010
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Things in life don’t always turn out like you expect. In his wildest dreams, I can’t imagine a young Hugh Hefner ever pictured himself taking a pill at the age of 84 that would allow him to continue his addiction to scoring with the bevy of 20-something hotties that line up for him. There’s just no way the human mind could even comprehend such a possibility.

However, when you are the coach of an NFL team, I think one could reasonably predict that anything you post on the internet, even using aliases might be found out. Scratch that. WILL be found out if you provide video and audio and invite everybody into your world.

I have to tell you I find all of this quite depressing. No, not the fact that Rex Ryan figuratively shoved his wife’s feet in my face. Not the fact that he shoved his wife’s cootchie in my face. I mean, I didn’t have to click the links, but I did. I knew better but I did it anyway. It was my duty as a writer of all things NFL after all. And who knows? Maybe if the chicks feet are so hot that Ryan would risk his job security and public scrutiny just to show them off, maybe there was something to see there. Maybe I would just bust a nut at the very sight of them. Fail.

I just didn’t need to know Rex Ryan that well. Our relationship was fine before. He was the mouthy fun loving coach. He was the throwback to the days when NFL coaches were “characters.” But back then we had boundaries. Remember boundaries? If Jerry Glanville dressed up like Elvis and got jiggy with a roomful of pint-sized prostitutes dressed like Munchkins, I never found out about it.

If Bum Phillips like to bend the wife over a cattle gate at feeding time and shout “here comes the gusher”, his secret was safe.

If Dick Vermeil’s tears of joy were hungrily lapped up by his wife during missionary intercourse…well we might have guessed that anyway, but you get the point.
The TMI (too much information) epidemic is getting out of hand. Wasn’t life better when we could only imagine what twisted freaks our NFL celebrities were behind closed doors? I think so.

Speaking of TMI, are we now letting meteorologists dictate our plans in the NFL? We can’t play in the snow anymore? Do we need to change the shield to NPL?
The decision to postpone the Eagles game was made in the name of “public safety.” Really? People in Philadelphia can’t make their way around the city in the snow?

And even so, if the decision was made in the name of public safety, why couldn’t the game be played on Monday night so as to keep the players on as normal of schedule as possible? Do we really need to play it on Tuesday night? Are we more concerned with protecting NBC’s ratings than protecting the integrity of the league? Oh sure, that’s what a cynical prick like me would think.

I know this for sure. The league does not care about protecting my boys from getting busted when I tell the wife that that after Thursday night, Saturday night, all day Sunday, and Monday night; I’m going to need the TV for Tuesday night too. That’s a tough sell. Hey NFL, why don’t you just sneak in my house, leave fake massage parlor receipts strewn about, spray hooker perfume on my clothes, and line up some skanks to call my cell at all hours of the night?

And I thought you really cared about me.

Misery Index

13) Donovan McNabb: I thought he couldn’t get much lower than being benched for Rex Grossman. But then when Grossman proceeded to vindicate Shanahan’s decision with a road win against a desperate team while McNabb pouted on the sidelines in street clothes I think we found the true bottom.

12) Seahawks: You are in the worst division in football, you have had a crappy season, yet all that stands between you and a playoff berth is a home win against the Rams. And thanks to Pete Carroll’s prowess you have Charlie Whitehurst all set to lead you to glory.

11) Chargers: You lost to the Bengals. Strike that, you got mauled by the Bengals. You made Carson Palmer look like Philip Rivers, and Philip Rivers look like Carson Palmer. And Norv Turner got jacked up by a head coach that will be unemployed shortly. Unfortunately for Chargers fans A.J. Smith is stubborn enough to keep Norv Turner for another decade in a futile attempt to prove he was right for firing Marty, so settle in, the disappointment is far from over.

10) Browns: You know it’s a f‘ed up season when the Patriots lose two games and one of them was to the Browns.

9) Bills: All season long we kind of kept thinking this team wasn’t as bad as their record indicated. But in the end, your record is what you are. And this team is a warped, scratched up, mildewed K-Tel “sounds like” record.
 
8) Broncos: By all rights, the Broncos should be much higher on this list, er lower should I say. But I’m sure there is a segment of the Denver faithful that sees hope with the chosen one behind center. After all, he just led the team to a rare come from behind victory. Granted, it was over a Texans team that would get torched by Elway in street clothes and dress shoes. But you have to give credit where credit is due. The “ugly” quarterback beat the “gruesome” defense. And the Broncos by virtue of their horrible record this year are likely to see hordes of gruesome defenses in their future.
 
7) Vikings: Could Vikings fans have had it worse this season? I mean, coming into the season with their heads filled with delusions about repeating the magic, having to send some guys down to beg Brett Favre to come back, never minding to tell him that Sidney Rice wouldn‘t take the field until late in the season, by which time Favre would be ground down to a fine powder. Weiner-gate. The Moss fiasco. The brief break from the horror when Chilly got the axe and the team pretended to give a crap for a couple of weeks. And finally the avalanche at the “Big Hefty, and the Philly blizzard that wasn‘t. Rough year. You will probably find next season less painful since your optimismectomy was a success.

6) Cardinals: The general consensus among we hardcore fans is that McNabb will land In Arizona next year. I hope so for Cardinals fans sake. With Anderson and Skelton this team was harder to watch than a Rex Ryan production, and similar in the fact that after you watched them once, you never wanted to watch them again.

5) Cowboys: So, you had three healthy running backs, going against a team that was getting ripped for a buck fifty a game on the ground. You lose your starting quarterback and turn it over to a raw rookie seeing his first action. And still, you pass, and pass, and pass. And you passed yourself right out of a win. Despite the late season “revival” of sorts for this team, the writing is on the wall. The coaching staff is set, the coaching staff is infatuated with the forward pass. The offensive line is crumbling, the window of opportunity is as tight as Jerry Jones face, and even the most ardent Cowboys fans probably won‘t allow themselves to dream of Super Bowl victory in the near future. But the good news is, thanks to Jerra’s outlandish monument to himself, fans may suffer their sub-mediocrity in plush surroundings.

4) 49ers: That was quite a wild scene on the sidelines Sunday as the 49ers feint playoff hopes swirled down the crapper. The benched Troy Smith wanting nothing to do with Singletary blasting in his face. It looked to me like Mike kept saying “quit crying, quit crying.” And I guess that is what he said, because Ted Ginn was at the ready with a towel, dabbing off the annoyed Smith’s face. It was like two big brothers picking on the little brother. The only thing missing was Ginn holding Smith down so Singletary could fart in his face. Big deal if Troy Smith wanted to cry for getting benched for Alex Smith? I would cry too. The kid was probably smart enough to realize that once you get benched for Alex Smith, your career is basically dead. He was grieving. Singletary’s began his tenure by dropping his pants in front of the team, and he ended it showing his ass in front of the nation. Not all great players make great head coaches. As a matter of fact, few of them do. Hopefully this team can find a real quarterback and the right head coach. But the odds are at least 49-1 against it.

3) Bengals: Most of the season, Carson Palmer looked like a guy that would rather be somewhere else. It’s the Bengals, who wouldn’t want to be somewhere else? But an interesting thing happened when the diva’s Owens and Ocho sat our week 16 and the team fielded receivers more interested in winning than publicity. Carson Palmer looked interested. He looked inspired. He looked like he still had the will to live. He looked like a winner. Draw your own conclusions, then please tweet them to Ocho.
 
2) Texans: Is anybody but me getting sick of this team? I mean, I have no vested interest in them whatsoever yet they still manage to piss me off. I can’t imagine what it is like for true fans of the team. Every year it’s the same thing. This is the year they get over the hump. But they never do. Why do we keep thinking they will? They won’t. Santa Claus isn’t for real. The Easter Bunny isn’t for real. But I’ll believe in both of them before I believe in this team again.

1) Panthers: I present exhibit A. Do we really want to add two games to this team’s schedule? Do we really want to add more players to the league, when teams are already forced to roster ones like these? Do we really need more teams like this? Or worse? Is that going to make the product better? Just think how much better this team would feel about itself at 2-12 rather than 2-14. Next year they will have the opportunity to go 2-16. Yeah, more of this would be just great. I’ll just expand the Misery Index to 15. Bring it geniuses!

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Under the Numbers
Free Agent Forecast
Tuesday Injury Report
Fantasy Game Recaps
Tunnel Vision
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