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Commentary from the Edge: Week 2
Kevin Ratterree
September 13, 2011

So you lost. It’s only one game. What? Were you thinking you were going undefeated? Come on dreamer. Do you know the best week to lose? Week one. You won’t be picking scraps at the end of the waiver wire in your FCFS league. No sir. You are right up there where the action is. You know you have a problem, and you probably have the means to solve it. The owner that won with a fluke performance doesn’t even know he has a problem yet. He’s the one in trouble. Not you. You’re fine. Is anybody buying this crap?

I have a friend (no really, I do) who likes to quiz me for my “expert” information regarding the NFL to help him make his casual NFL wagers. Last week I told him the tale of the rookie quarterback, on a team with a new head coach, a new system, and a bunch of new faces, on the road against the Arizona Cardinals. And how this was an excellent investment opportunity.

“Rookie quarterbacks don’t win their first NFL game on the road, especially in a season where there were no mini-camps or OTA’s. And Cam looked like garbage during the pre-season. The Cardinals are the big play this week.” So smug. So confident. So very sure that Cam Newton wouldn’t torch the Cardinals for 422 yards.

The spread was 7. The Cards won by 7. And they were damn lucky to get it. Expert? Eh, I guess those guys sitting on piles of gold out in the desert are the real experts. I hope none of them sneaked into any of my fantasy leagues.

I don’t want to be an over-reactionary type after one game, but it appears my serious doubts about one Cam Newton were as unfounded as my premature burial of Steve Smith. Oops. Sorry ‘bout that. Let me wipe that dirt off your face there Mr. Smith. No? Okay, okay, it’s cool man. Please don’t hurt me. (cowering in the fetal position)

I watched part of the Colts funeral down in Houston on Sunday. Ben Tate was doing a pretty good Arian Foster impersonation and the team didn’t miss a beat without him. The cameras caught Foster on the sideline during this gutting of the Colts defense. But Foster (in street clothes) didn’t seem to be all that interested in the game, he was instead, of course, on his phone. There is no event in America that isn't better with Twitter.  Twit nation.

Before the Jets/Cowboys game Sunday night I saw a portion of the interview of Plaxico Burress, when he teared up in remembrance of the way he felt after he shot himself and learned that he may miss the birth of his daughter in prison. And for a moment, I was overcome with a glimmer of humanity, and I almost found myself pitying this poor clueless creature.

But then the game started and Plax showed up in the player profile video NBC uses wearing a Castro style camo hat. And then later in the game he appeared to be taunting from a distance the Dallas player he had just injured, shouting and spitting and what not. And I just have a feeling that birth won’t be the only milestone moment Plax will miss in his daughter‘s life. Here’s hoping the girl inherited mostly her mama’s traits. Otherwise she might be the one deserving of my pity.

Tony Romo is still sporting the backwards hat in his player profile. Hey Tony, “happy go lucky” works when you are a winner. Or when you are twenty and unemployed. When you don’t throw away games. Either stop throwing away games or throw away the backwards hat.

And during that Jets game there was a horrible television moment, where Fireman Ed was seen atop the shoulders of either Uncle Fester or the son of Butterbean. Did you ever have a moment where you see something so horrible that your body recoils involuntarily? I can’t decide which would be worse, jamming my nuts against Uncle Fester’s neck, or having Fireman Ed’s junk writhing around the back of my head?

Tough call, but I think it would take a life or death situation before I let either of those situations occur. We are talking about grown, middle aged men here. That was disturbing, pathetic, and more than a little gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But please, not while I’m watching football. I’m often eating or drinking when watching football and projectile vomit is almost as hard to clean as that mental stain I am stuck with of Fireman Ed humping Fester’s neck

BONEHEAD PLAY OF THE WEEK: I’ve decided to add a new feature to the column. It serves no purpose other than to spank myself in full view of a large group of men (not that there’s anything wrong with that). So anyway, here is the dumbest thing I did this week. (drum roll) I benched Mike Tolbert for Brandon Jacobs! About a 35 point swing! A move that deserves a loss, and I was rewarded with one! Way to go dumbass!

Before the games on Sunday I watched the pre-game shows and ESPN was doing a lot of promoting for their new show with Suzy Kolber. Look, you don’t have to beat me over the head to watch this. Suzy Kolber is sitting strategically in the middle of the couch, with the omnipresent possibility of a “Sharon Stone” moment. Oh yeah, I’m watching. Oh sure I know, the show is taped, and we’ll never get a cheap shot of Suzy, and chances are she doesn’t go commando anyway. But strangely none of this deters me. For I am a man.

As for the rest of ESPN’s new shows? Meh. They gave Dan Le Batard his own show. I tuned in Monday, much like a gawker passing a gory accident scene. Danny boy had his old man on there with him. And if there is anything I want to see less than Dan Le Batard would be the man who spawned him. That man packs some goofy goo he does. Or at least he used to. Less than 60 seconds and I was done. Desperation in the programming department does have tragic results.

Is anybody sick of the Deion Sanders fairy commercial? (not that there’s anything wrong ..yada yada yada)

There is waaaaaaaaay too much Deion Sanders in my life right now. From the HOF speech where Deion did some serious auditioning for Hollywood, to this series of commercials where Sanders flies around like Tinkerbell. It’s just too much. My only hope is that there is a “flyswatter” episode in the mix in which Deion’s incessant chatter is snuffed out once and for all.

Before the season opener I caught a part of an NFLN feature where the guys were listing their top ten NFL players. Top ten overall players in the league as of right now. Aaron Rodgers didn’t make Sanders’ list, but his buddy Ray-Ray in Baltimore did. Yeah. A full 6 years plus past his prime, Prime-Time threw his bud a bone on national TV.

That’s okay Deion. You can be loyal to your friends, you can shoot for the Oscar during an acceptance speech, and you can whore yourself for any commercial opportunity that comes along. But along the way, you lose your credibility. Wait a minute. I’m talking about Deion freaking Sanders here. Never mind.

Misery Index

10a)  (insert loser of Raiders/Broncos):  How can you losers lose to those losers?
10) Dolphins: So let me get this straight, your defense was to be your strong point? If our boys in the Colonies had a defense like this we’d all be drinking warm beer, and pretending to give a rat’s ass about the Queen.

9) Rams: There was a lot of optimism for this team before half of it was lost to injury Sunday. I guess it is better to be lucky than good. And Steven Jackson owners that got a touchdown on two carries have to be the luckiest sons of bitches on the planet.

8) Steelers: There is no shame in losing to the Ravens at their place. However feel free to self-loathe about giving up the ball 7 times, and looking like a Fellini movie instead of a football team. Talking is great, but if this is the way you back it up, you might want to hit mute.  Big Ben hasn't had that much debris in his face since he tried to eat that car.

7) Giants: The G-men seemed to be in a funk in the pre-season. They let one of Manning’s security blanks, Kevin Boss walk, then they let the Eagles steal his other one, Steve Smith right out of camp. Half of the defense got injured, and there was much hand wringing and a sense of impending dread. Then they went out and laid a big brown egg on Sunday and confirmed their fans worst fears. And just when it looked like it couldn’t get much worse, Monday morning, Hakeem Nicks knee was as swollen as Eli’s view of himself among the NFL elite quarterbacks. Which by the way, he has no chance in hell of being if he is down to Manningham and Hixon. Yeah, they’re funked alright.

6) Vikings: I mentioned last week that Minnesota was where old quarterbacks go to die. No news there. But 39 yards passing? What is this, the 1940’s? Donnie McNabb is setting back football 60 years. And how many millions did McNabb plunder from these delusional fools? Decidedly more than the Redskins paid Grossman I’ll wager. When Danny Snyder starts kicking your ass on free agent decisions, you might as well pack it up.

5) Seahawks: I think they are every bit as horrific as advertised, but playing the ‘Niners masked the full effect of their putridity. But chin up Seahawks, if you hadn’t allowed back to back kickoff/punt returns for touchdowns you might have actually won the game. Which reminds me, did you guys hire the Chargers special teams coach from last year?

4) Browns: Come on man.  A rookie quarterback in his first game on the road? Too much for you? The Browns looked sleepy, lackadaisical and almost as disinterested as my wife looked when I reminded her it was my “birthday present” night.

3) Falcons: Oh sure, a few weeks from now we might look back on this and chuckle. Maybe the Bears played their best game of the season and the Falcons their worst in week one. Or maybe my prediction of the Falcons in the Superbowl doomed them to hell. I suggested they would produce an offensive onslaught but they actually induced one instead.  

2) Chiefs: Did I tell you the Bills would kick their ass? And now, onward and downward without Eric Berry, and without any plan B‘s. Running an unconventional exhibition season is fine, unless disaster ensues. And this team is an unmitigated disaster. What the Haley’s going on out there!!!

1) Colts:  Losing Peyton Manning was like lifting a tarp off of a rotting corpse and exposing the unmistakable stench of death. Have a nice day!

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