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Commentary from the Edge: Week 5
Kevin Ratterree
October 4, 2011

Okay, so you are 0-4. I’ve seen teams in your position go undefeated the rest of the way and win a championship. I sure have. Seen an 0-6 team run the table. Let me tell you, that is a championship your league mates won’t forget. Yeah, they might forget the guy that lost one game all year en route to the championship, They might forget the guy that loses 2-3 games and wins a championship. But they’ll never forget the team that lost their first 4 games and then ran the table. Oh no. That one’s going to leave a mark. What? You aren’t thinking about throwing in the towel are you? Hey, you came this far. This is a crazy season. It there was ever a season it was possible it is this one. It is acceptable to be a loser. Not acceptable to be a quitter. Don’t walk toward the light. Do NOT walk toward the light!
I perused some message boards over the last few days both here at the Huddle and a few other football sites. I saw some interesting thread titles so I thought I would offer my thoughts on the subjects presented in some of these thread titles. Sure, I could have just posted this stuff in each individual thread, but then I would still have to think up a whole other column. Besides this could be good. Well, it might not suck too much. Meh, maybe you should just go read Tunnel Vision again. It’s hard to be clever when you have your league mates boots stuck up your ass!

ESPN yanks Hank Williams, opening number pulled: Wait a minute, a weed smoking, whisky and cocaine snorting, womanizing, hotel room destroying, bar-fighting, party hardy, tobacco chompin’ redneck hillbilly that got drunk and fell off a cliff, makes a great ambassador for your product for 20 years off a song that was originally about getting drunk and partying. But when his brain cells (damaged so from all the drinking, weed smoking, fighting, and falling off cliffs) cause him to utter the “H” word in describing his so very deep and consequential political views I shouldn’t hear his song no more? Whew! At least I know where ESPN draws the line. I should have been shielded from this dangerous man long ago. You irresponsible bastards.

Antonio Gates dynasty value? Big news, I can actually answer this one. For me it was a first round pick in next year’s rookie draft. I’ve owned Gates for years but I bailed last week. Oh sure, the fact that I had Jimmy Graham safely stashed made the decision a whole lot easier, but regardless I think the time to get out is now. Actually after week one would have been ideal. I have heard others get more in trade for him than that, but for me that was fair value based on my deep appreciation for the fact that he will likely never be “Antonio Gates” again, and I have the new “Antonio Gates.“ To everything turn, turn, turn.

Start Jimmy Graham or Colston at WR/TE? No offense, but it would be worth $30 for me to just pay for a membership so I don’t have to ask embarrassing questions like this in public forums. And before you ask, the answer is no, please do not Western Union that money to Nigeria. There is no deposed Princess.

Jimmy Graham This is the pre-season Huddle thread where I expressed the possibility that Graham could put up Gates-like numbers, virtually guaranteeing this player was going to be huge due to my internal “stud-finder.” I can’t believe I give out some of these nuggets of gold for free! And then get you to pay to come in and read self-serving crap like this!

(Victor) Cruz is a moron! True, but luckily his daddy was there reffing the game and he patched up his boo-boo. I remember a young and even dumber Plaxico Burress spiking the ball after falling to the ground after a catch in one of his first games in the league. Live ball. Steelers lost the ball. Nobody was there to protect Plax that day. No sir. The Man had it out for Plax but let Victor slide. Might have cost the Steelers a game, I don’t remember. But I do know that call Sunday cost me some coin. I knew I would get bent over by karma when I defended NFL officials last week. Just like clockwork. Never seen a play like that in 40 years of watching pro football. Oh well. Sorry Cardinals, Cruz wasn’t playing for keepsie, your season is over. Thanks for coming! Judgment call in favor of the floundering NFC East, home of the nation’s biggest television markets. Shocking.

Anyone starting Beanie Wells with confidence? Is anybody ever truly confident starting Beanie? After last week, I am guessing the answer is now everyone.

I just traded for Mendenhall. Really? Where do you get jeans custom made big enough to squeeze those cajones in? But seriously, who knows? Maybe a faith healer will lay hands on his offensive line. Until then, he is just Shonn Greene. And I wouldn’t go trading for Shonn Greene right now. I would however trade Greene for Mendenhall so I will retract my statement about the extra big in the crotch jeans…

Darren Sproles…beasting it! I keep seeing fantasy analysts figuratively pat Sproles on the head and call him a RB3 or a flex. Okay, he is an RB3. Never mind the fact that he is the 9th ranked RB in PPR leagues right now. Yeah, I would go ahead and start those running backs ranked 10-24 instead of Sproles because they are RB2’s. Hello? Is there anybody in there? If Sproles is your RB2 and you have a legitimate RB1 you are kicking the crap out of the rest of your league at the RB position. That’s probably because you are playing against people that think a guy ranked as the 9th RB should be called an RB3, thus on their bench every week. Labels. They stick. Even when they are wrong. Let me clear this up. If you are in a 12 team league, and Sproles has the 9th most points, he is a lower level RB1. Not beasting it, but about as solid a starter as you could ask for. An every week starter. Until proven otherwise. Not a difficult concept.

What do you need for Monday night? I need 51 freaking points from LeGarette Blount! How many touchdowns is that? 5 and a couple hundo on the ground? Yeah. Not in this lifetime. I’m not putting that in the forum either. All I need for Monday night is balls enough to bet hard earned money on Indy plus the points, and for them to cover the number so I can buy some expensive bourbon, and drown the pain of my 3-0 team being taken down by an 0-3. Sonofabitch!

Devery Henderson. Yes, his first two weeks pulled you in. It has happened to all of us. You won’t do it again.

Reggie Bush: Yes, his first week pulled you in. It has happened to all of us. You won’t do it again.

Tim Hightower: Yes, his preseason pulled you in, and now his head coach has done what he does. It has happened to all of us. You won’t do it again. Probably.

Is it time to drop Hightower? No. The time to drop Hightower was after week 2 on an unsuspecting league-mate with a legitimate trade target. His value was sky high. You just got “Wall Streeted” by holding the stock too long. Haven’t you seen the charts on Shanahan Inc.? You might as well hang onto that dog now and see if it comes back to life. But you might want to put a sheet over it for now and pretend it’s not there.

Where are the Ben Tate lovers now? Where to you think they are? Curled up in the fetal position crying in a dark corner. It was like getting picked up hitchhiking by a hot babe, taken for a roll in the back seat, driven 1/5 of the way to your destination. It was great while it lasted but here you are with your thumb stuck out again, and I don‘t see another one of those rides coming along anytime soon.

Drop Tate for Torain or Ridley? Okay so there are a few cars out here on the road maybe. But the guys driving these cars (Hoodie and Skeletor) are fantasy psycho-killers. Oh yeah, you’ll get in the car and think everything’s fine, then BLAM! In a flash your boys are gone and you are sitting in a pool of blood. And those psychos will just jam the pedal to the floor, toss them out the window and laugh and laugh….

BONEHEAD PLAY OF THE WEEK: So many to choose from this week, but I made one monumental decision with tragic results for all my teams. Yep, I started Fitzpatrick across the board this week. No exceptions. I wasn’t going to puss out like last week. Results? A whopping 9 points. So, I think I’m off that across the board strategy from here on out then. As close as some of my leagues figure to be, I probably just doomed at least one of them. Well, at least I didn’t “puss out” and this is America where not pussing out matters. Still though. I think I’d rather be called a puss than a loser. Loser!

Misery Index

10b) Steelers: Gee, I hate to extend the Misery Index so far out of its bounds of 10, but you guys really suck. You can’t run. You can’t tackle. Your quarterback is piling up injuries like he used to pile up beer cans and coeds. The offensive line is a bunch of broken turnstiles. And all that was fine with me until Mike Wallace drifted off the stud trail this week. You guys tailspin all you want to but “as you were” on the Wallace stats. Okay? I am not amused. Dismissed.

10a) Cardinals: I have to tell you, when you can’t get a call on a play like that at home, you are just as screwed as screwed can be . Luckily being screwed in the NFC West in no way precludes you from contending for a division title. So party on Cardinals fans!

10) Eagles: Here’s something you thought you would never hear. Start everybody against the Eagles. They have a bunch of great players but unfortunately they have a horrible team. In fantasy they are decent. In reality they are in descent. Oh crap. Wait a minute. Guess who Fitzpatrick plays this week? Yep. God I hate this game.

9) Seahawks: It’s great to see Carroll hop into his players arms and gaze deeply into his eyes lovingly after an ever so infrequent big scoring play…wait a minute, no that’s actually kind of creepy.

8) Browns: Colt appears to be more Gelding than Stud.

7) Jets: I can’t decide which is a tougher watch, the Jets or Ryan’s internet video. I only watched the video once and though it was really bad, but I did only see it the one time rather than once a week like I do the Jets. So I’m going to have to go with the Jets. Judging from how his team looks on the field, maybe he should spend less time admiring his wife’s feet and a little more time putting his foot upside some asses.

6) Panthers Is it possible to dominate a fantasy league with a guy on an 1-15 team? Apparently so. I mean, this is really amazing. They are1-3 yet it is hard for me to pity them like the rest of these bums. Hope. The perfume that covers the stench of losing. Isn’t that beautiful? I wonder if Hallmark is hiring?

5) Dolphins Sporano my friends, is twisting in the wind. Sporano is twisting in the wind.

4) Chiefs (scene: sidelines KC)

Haley: Nice incompletion there Cassel, hey don’t walk away from me. You do know I’m the only thing between you and that a-hole Josh Daniels right?

Cassel: How much worse could he be than you coach? We were screwed when you spent the preseason on Peyote or whatever the hell you were on…

Haley: Oh yeah? Well if you keep playing like this McDaniels will be here coaching Andrew Luck next year and you’ll be back to being “clipboard boy“, so you might want to pull your head out of your ass.

Cassel: Everybody here hates you!

Haley: Dude, no, it’s you they hate. If anybody here knew our backup’s name they would be chanting it, do you want me to have him take his warm-up jacket off? Do you?

Cassel: You’re a jacket off!

Haley: Oh yeah, real clever…

3) Rams: Considering how Bradford slid under the wire before the rookie pay scale revisions, I wonder if the Rams are holding Bradford hostage by refusing to get any skill players until he “restructures” his contract to “free up” cash to sign actual NFL level players for him to throw the ball to. And if that isn’t some evil conspiracy by the Rams, maybe Bradford should consider implementing it anyway.

2) Colts: The only thing worse than the Colts horrific free-fall from grace without Manning at the helm is the fact that we will all be witness to it for the many prime time games the Colts procured back when they could safely be viewed on a full stomach. Come on, let’s turn this thing into full blown circus “make sure we get Luck” campaign. You want to lock up Luck? Two words, Jeff George.

1) Vikings I heard Colin Cowherd suggest the Vikings tank the rest of the season in order to get Andrew Luck. His theory is the Lions have Stafford, the Packers have Rodgers, so the Vikings need Luck. True. But then when queried on how the Vikings should go about that, Cowherd suggested putting in Ponder. I think that would be a mistake. McNabb looks fully capable of solving the team’s long term QB problems all by himself...

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