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Commentary from the Edge: Week 6
Kevin Ratterree
October 11, 2011

So you lost again. You are 0-5. Hey, at least you still have your health. And you probably haven’t played my team yet so you have that going for you. You seriously aren’t 0-5 are you? Poor devil. I think you may be cooked. Gotta be this week man. Aw who am I kidding, You are as screwed as the guy holding an Eagles Superbowl win ticket. Might as well wipe your ass with that.

Yes, it was only a couple of short weeks ago my FFPC team was 3-0 and I was filled with as much unbridled optimism as Herman Cain. Two weeks later I am 3-2 and wondering how I turned into Newt Gingrich.

Fortunes change fast in the NFL and in fantasy football. Genius one minute. Blithering idiot the next.

I was so proud of my draft. I had avoided the “stud running back” quagmire in the early rounds. I had picked up a couple of nice waiver wire players on the cheap. I wasn’t exactly ripping up the league points-wise but I was racking up the W’s. The points onslaught would come. It was just a matter of time.

Then last week I was somewhat depressed when my 3-0 team fell to an 0-3 team. The first loss is tough. But Sunday’s debacle against my 1-3 opponent was an exercise in fantasy futility from which I may never recover. I feel so violated.

You know you might be in for a tough day when your opponent’s first 3 receptions result in touchdowns, and one of those was from his desperation tight end play, Heath Miller. Down 40 points right out of the gate. But while I sensed that I was in trouble at that point, the real panic didn’t set in until Addai limped off the field. 3.5 points at one of my running back slots, and done.

But, Addai’s early exit was really of little consequence, the guys I benched for him, Benson/Blount combined for 13 points, so no need to beat myself up over that, except the very fact that I started Addai for the first time this year since week one and he was immediately injured. Buy hey, that could just be a coincidence. It could be…

Meanwhile Darren Sproles was anchoring my other RB slot, doing his thing, but a little less than normal. Not a good day for that, being as how I had a man down at the position already.

But thank goodness I had the dependable Stevie Johnson in the early games. Yeah uh, thanks for nothing. That “start everybody against the Eagles” crap I came up with last week turned out to be just that, crap. There is no reason for opposing offenses to throw it around on the Eagles. They score on Eagles turnovers and run the ball at will to control the clock. Yeah Stevie took the day off too. Decoy. Blocker. No TDs for Stevie on this Sunday. 6 points. Et tu Stevie?

My kicker, Lindell had a sub-par day with the Eagles not inclined to make the Bills settle for field goals. All in all a disastrous start to my fantasy day. Heading into the late games on life support. I’m beginning to genuinely hate the Eagles now.

So, I’ve got Vincent Jackson and Eric Decker in the late games. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I know the live scoring isn’t broke because my opponent is racking up with Benjarvis Green Ellis. Huh? I was such a wide-eyed optimistic when I drafted VJax. And I was beside myself when I picked up Decker for 9% of my bidding budget. They joined my parade of putridity on Sunday. 5 catches for 29 yards. Not exactly the 40 points I envisioned. Stunned like a cow on the kill-room floor.

Oh, and let’s not leave out the Chargers defense. What the hell am I doing with the Chargers defense? Well, I drafted them. Then they proceeded to suck like a porn star wannabe. But they had the Chiefs coming up in week 4. I might as well cash in on that points bonanza before I trade them in for a real team defense, right? And then when they still didn’t produce against the Chiefs, I doubled down and foolishly held on for the match-up against the Broncos in week 5. They had to score some point eventually, right? I mean, what if Tebow comes into the game, I have to stick around for that! Yep. Tebow came in. 2 points for the Chargers D. Nice. Countless fantasy points down the drain. Doomed by a damn team defense. If I were a Samauri this alone would be grounds for hari kari.

Hey, you don’t have to hit me over the head with high voltage. I get it. The San Diego D/ST blows like a Mento in a Pepsi. I’ll drop them this week. You know what that means. Go forth and prosper.

So far my opponent is kicking my ass with the law Firm and Heath Miller alone. The rest of his lineup is just needlessly piling on. My wife wanders in and tries to stir up some conversation, but I am comatose in my chair. A stunned victim of a convergence of fantasy ineptitude usually only reserved for the casual “donor” player. I am trying to process what is happening, but it doesn’t seem real. There has been a sudden death in the family. I saw them just last week and they looked so happy and healthy. There must be some mistake.

I still had 3 “big guns” to go for Sunday night with my Falcons connection Ryan/White/Gonzalez, but sitting there at 40 points in a league where winners average closer to 150 turned my Sunday night into the Green Mile. Doomed beyond hope. This can’t be happening to me. But it was. And it did. A league low 85 points when the smoke cleared. The horror. The guilt. The pain. The shame.

I went to the morgue and identified the body on Monday morning just to make sure the whole thing wasn’t a bizarre nightmare.

The only saving grace on “Black Sunday” was the fact that the 4-0 team and the other three 3-1 teams in the league all lost as well. But none of them were quite so Charlie Sheen-esque in their falls from grace. A disastrous points loss that will be hard to overcome. The league is now a giant cluster you-know-what, and I am closer to the bottom of the cluster than the top. In any case, I’m probably screwed. What a short strange trip it’s been.

I have some harsh reality to face. Drafting Roddy White was a mistake. He inched his way toward stud status for years, but now that he arrived, the arrow is pointing downward. Somewhere between January and September he forgot how to catch. I thought his injury was a main cause of his early season woes, but he leads the league in dropped passes, and those dropped passes are the difference between being a good fantasy receiver and a great one. He is the 14th ranked WR right now, and I took him 2nd off the board. The only category White is blowing the league away in is dropped passes.

Drafting Vincent Jackson was another mistake. Yeah, he is ranked 11th at the position, but his week to week peaks and valleys make for one nauseating roller- coaster ride. Week 1 (5) points. Week 2 (39) points. Week 3 (11)points. Week 4, (19) points all in the first half. Week 5 (6) points.

And there you have it. You can win a league treating the running back position like a bastard step-child. But when you go stud WR , you have to be right, and Roddy White and Vincent Jackson were not right. They were third round draft picks I took in the first two rounds.

Eric Decker, who I thought could be the final piece to my championship puzzle figures to be stuck in some sort of Tebow limbo from here on out so there are probably more 2 catch for -4 yards days in his future. I was giddy when I picked him up in the first waiver period. But now he is just another player on my team I will trust about as much as I trust emails from Nigeria.

My running back crew “on the cheap” of Blount, Addai, Sproles, Benson might be adequate if my other positions were steady, but what I really have assembled here is an average wildly inconsistent team. Yes, I am 3-2, and I officially hate my team. I want a divorce. If this were a trading league this week would be a bloodbath. But it is not. I’m stuck with the bitch. Cold, lifeless, loser bitch.

Did I mention I dropped Victor Cruz in that league in week 2? No? Good, I certainly wouldn’t want to admit to something that embarrassing.

Meanwhile, my keeper and dynasty teams are rolling right along with Jimmy Graham and Mike Wallace leading the pillaging, so there is that. What is really sad though is that I was one of Jimmy Graham’s biggest pimps over the last 2 years and I didn’t end up with him on either of my redraft leagues. How does that happen? Hello, I’d like to introduce myself, Kevin’s the name, ironic gut wrenching twists of fate are my game.

The only thing worse than being wrong about a player is being right about a player but watching a league-mate draft him and abuse the league with him. That’s going to leave a mark.

Hey Darrius Heyward-Bey, couldn’t you have thrown the old man a bone before he kicked it? Or was that the guiding hand of the master that actually allowed you to catch a ball and cross the stripe?

It’s funny how when people die all of a sudden people find good things to say about them. I didn’t hear a peep about what a great guy Al Davis was over the last umpteen years, but they come out of the woodwork when the reaper comes knocking.

Okay, I’ll play along. Al Davis was a visionary. His football acumen was light years ahead of the rest of the league for a long time. Al Davis is a big part of the reason the NFL is the NFL as we know it. He just hung on too long, because it was the only thing Al Davis ever wanted to do.

It would be nice to think that we all will realize when we no longer “have it,” but we are men, (sorry ladies) and I fear we all think we “have it” until the bitter end. Only most of us don’t have the money or power to tell everyone to “f” off like Al could. I poked my share of fun at his exploits, but the bottom line is, pre-senility, he was my kind of guy. I think it takes an a-hole to truly appreciate an a-hole. So RIP Al, you were a pretty good old a-hole you were.

Speaking of hanging on too long, and a-hole type stuff, I wish Brett Favre would “just say no” next time somebody jams a microphone in front of his “baccy hole”. I think Brett just fell into a good situation when he ended up with Mike Holmgren as a coach, I’d like to think he learned from Holmgren. I was surprised Favre never won another championship with all those talented teams.

Rodgers will win more championships. But I will attribute them all to one special man. Brett Favre.
BONEHEAD PLAY OF THE WEEK:  I made no horrible roster decisions, but I still got my ass kicked. Uh oh. So anyway, I’m going to call the bonehead play of the week on Sir Paul McCartney. It seems the 50 million dollar enema he called a marriage to that one legged girl didn’t teach him a thing. He tied the knot yet again. The bride offered to sign a pre-nup but McCartney would have none of it. Hey Paul, it’s called common sense and being responsible. It isn’t silly. It isn’t silly. It isn’t silly at aaaaaaaalllllllll.

Misery Index

10a) Bears: This drives me crazy. You are down 2 scores, You drive into field goal range with less than a minute on the clock. The field is compressed, you are out of time outs and the clock is ticking. If you are really interested in winning the game, you at some point kick a field goal in hopes of recovering an onside kick and getting a couple of hurls into the end zone. But at no point did that though dawn on Lovie Smith. If it did he didn’t have the heart to bring it up to the guys on the field. I thought you play to win the game, but apparently Lovie plays the game to lose by 3 rather than 8. Or 11 as it turned out to be. Smooth.

10) Panthers: Hey Cam, You’ve already matched Peyton Manning’s win total during his rookie season. Troy Aikman too. Hopefully you’ll get REALLY sick of losing by season’s end so you avoid it like those guys learned to.

9) Jets: The head coach said the Patriots are the better team right now. Right now? What are you going to do Rex, fly around earth like Superman and turn back time? Back to when you could run the ball and stop the run? And people hardly noticed how average Sanchez was? My, my, my. If only they handed out Lombardi trophy’s based on GQ photo spreads instead of game winning touchdown passes. And now you’ve gone and done it, you’ve even got old man Namath yelling at you to get off his lawn. And I thought he was a happy, “I wanna kiss you” kind of drunk.

8) Broncos: Never underestimate the power of prayer. All of the drunk fans chanting for their savior, all the hand-wringing, all the talk show whining and complaining, all the church collection plates cashed in for billboards. The general mob mentality. All of it finally worked! Yes that’s right. The Almighty has heard your prayers and struck down the entire Broncos team with gridiron impotence, so that his only begotten son may leadeth thou Broncos to thy promised land. Well, maybe not the promised land, but to a more entertaining and hopeful garden of Loser-ville. Okay, If I wasn’t already headed for hell that should seal the deal. See you guys there, I‘ll stand next to Merril Hoge so you can find me.

7) Vikings: So you finally found a lead you could hang onto. Yeah, McNabb is at his best when the games mean nothing, so you guys may give off the illusion of an actual NFL football team from time to time. Do not be confused by this phenomenon, Mike Shanahan certainly wasn’t and that worked out pretty well for him.

6) Jaguars: I hate it when the Jagwires (Gruden-ism) are in the Misery Index. Not because I like them or anything, but just because they are so boring. I mean, most of these losers are at least entertaining at what they do but the Jags just kind of bore their way into submissiveness. I mean, the come from ahead loss to the Bengals was nice and all, but you need to string a few of these together before I get onboard. Right now you just make me sleepy, and I need to turn the channel.

5) Cardinals: Break out your skewers. It’s time for scorn on the Kolb!

4) Eagles: Rap with me now: The O-line retreatin. Vick takes a beatin. Reid keeps a eatin. Fans disbelievin. Turnovers thievin. Hype was deceivin. Ain’t no retrievin that Dream Team Season!!!!
3) Rams: And another one: Comin off a bye with a black and blue guy. Try to throw the ball to no receiver at all. Take another hit, “come on guys, shit!” And the man do say. What the man say? And the man do say. What the man say? Man say 50 million guaranteed man go down. 50 million guaranteed man go down. Scratch another check, gulp and frown. Scratch another check, gulp and frown.

2) Colts: The Colts just made the Chiefs look relevant, and gave them a ticket out of the Index. Breathe that in deep and see if it doesn’t trigger your gag reflex.

1) Dolphins: I’m thinking Andrew Luck might go ahead and use that last year of eligibility after all when he takes a good look at this situation. Nobody wants to go to Miami. Not Drew Brees. Not Harbaugh. Parcells went there but that was after suffering Jerry Jones, his mind clearly wasn’t right. This team could seriously cause Luck to press his luck with one more year in college. The bad thing is, the Dolphins might still be there waiting for him the next year too. And then we have Andrew Luck in the CFL. Aw man, you guys suck!

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