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Commentary from the Edge: Week 7
Kevin Ratterree
October 18, 2011
 

I hate a lot of things. You may have gathered that if you have been reading the column any length of time. But the thing I hate most in life is losing. I despise it. Sometimes it makes me physically ill. Little known fact, I wrote last weeks entire column while in a shock induced coma from my devastating loss on Sunday. I swear to God I did.

So being such a sore loser, I totally understand Coach Schwartz getting torqued off over the handshake, the backslap, the yelling in the ear, the bouncing around the field like Daffy Duck at the end of an old Looney Tunes cartoon.

It was like a big brother kicking little brothers ass in front of the whole gang, then helping him up off the ground, giving him a pat on the head and an extra hard slap on the back, “Good try little fella, maybe someday you‘ll grow up and be a big bad boy like me.” Only Harbaugh shortened it to “F” yeah!“ You can slice it any way you want it, but that was the desired effect and the actual effect.

Whether you want to blame the testosterone laden NFC Championship worthy celebration on being too “amped up” or not, it was pretty classless. Had Harbaugh pulled that in New England, he would have been whacked before he made it out of the stadium.

Hey coach, this is the pros. It is your job to help the team kick ass on the field. And when you do, act like you expected to. Save your “teenage girl at a Justin Beiber concert” routine for appropriate situations. And just FYI, there will be none of those until you are in a position to clinch a playoff spot. Carry on.

And as for Coach Schwartz, a simple “ ‘f’ you douche bag” would have sufficed. You would have gotten your message across, and looked like the bigger man in the end. But the chasing down the sideline creating a WWE scene, and after game whining just made you look like little brother running to the house to tell mom.

Oh, and by the way it was a great game. Too bad Harbaugh and Schwartz couldn’t have let that be the story. But then, what would I have written about?

Captain Slapback.

Then again, on further review, if I just went 5-1 with Alex Smith as my quarterback I would probably be hopelessly obnoxious too. I mean, even more so.

Look, those guys have pulled their teams from the depths of the Misery Index. Do you know how sick I was of writing about those slugs in the Misery Index? They can be as big of A-holes as they want to be as far as I am concerned. Well done A-holes.

Okay, let me get this straight. We lost Hank Williams Jr. and gained Fireman Ed before Monday Night football? Doesn’t Fireman Ed annoy enough people during the game? Must you inflict him on us before-hand too? Does being an attention whore automatically qualify you for attention? Do Jets fans even really like this guy? I’m betting those sitting behind him under the false illusion they would be watching a football game probably have pretty strong feelings on the subject.

But hey, ESPN thought he deserved a speaking role. They gave it to him. Good for Fireman Ed. He was born in a country where simply being annoying is reason enough for fame.  Just look as Snookie.

Fantasy stuff: My keeper and dynasty teams are cruising, but my redrafts are caving in like a Tijuana back-room breast augmentation. My 1-5 team received the final coffin nail with Shonn Green’s final run Monday night. Lost by .4 points.  Fitting.  My other team is 3-3 and proved justified in the burial I gave it in this column last week.

The Roddy White torture continued unabated. Despite the fact that White was pivotal in the Falcons’ win due to a couple of interference calls he drew, his 4 points in the fantasy realm were a death sentence. I am praying at this point that the easing of the schedule and statistical probability will kick in and he and or Ryan will pay off. The question is, will it come fast enough to matter? doubtful.  In FFPC the regular season is 11 weeks. I’m 3-3. I have an infinite string of high scoring must-win games ahead of me. But my team has simply stopped scoring. If this team comes back from the dead the Vatican will no doubt certify it as a miracle.

I got lucky when I threw Naaman Roosevelt of Buffalo in my dynasty league lineup. One freaking catch, but for a 60 yard touchdown. Mr. Dorey called that one just about right on the nose in his weekly predictions. But I’m agreeing this guy might not be Mr. Reliable so hopefully I won’t need to start him in the near future. But I am going to hang onto him and see what happens.

My other current “project” players on my dynasty roster include Damian Williams of the Titans and Mark Clayton of the Rams. Lance Moore has been a huge disappointment and I have scrambled to find stability in that WR3 slot, especially with the instability of my WR2 Vincent Jackson. Luckily Mike Wallace has been a rock at WR1 and I have gotten away with an otherwise unstable WR crew to this point. I’ve been running a two tight end set with Fred Davis and Jimmy Graham.

Jimmy Graham is going to surpass my most optimistic pre-season predictions. He has simply taken over the team, He’s like a drug that Peyton and Drew can’t get enough of. Nobody can stop him. Not even his coach’s knee. Boom. Right through that thing.

I dropped Jerome Harrison in that FFPC league last week, so it is entirely possible he breaks out big with Best getting concussed out again. And I finally shed Tashard Choice from my dynasty roster after holding him what seemed like forever for the big payoff. In retrospect I probably should have at least held him until the trade deadline, but I simply had no choice. Horrible pun intended.

I’m pretty good at finding players. But my specialty is dropping them the moment before they hit it big.

Hansel and Gretel dropped bread crumbs, I drop little nuggets of fantasy gold. Just follow them and you will find me in last place at season’s end. And they all lived happily ever after…

Honestly, I have 4 teams, all 12 team leagues. Outside of quarterback, you could probably field a playoff team with the players I have dropped. I’ve never been so right and yet so wrong so much in one season in all my life. This season is a lot like marriage.  
 
Bonehead play of the week: You know what, I really didn’t make any roster mistakes, because with injuries and byes, like many of you I was lucky to field teams at all. It is hard to go wrong when you have no other choices. The only regrettable thing I really did this week was to not bet my house against the Dolphins on Monday night. Oh well, they have 11 more games and my house isn‘t going anywhere…

Misery Index

10) Jaguars: I have to admit, I was really surprised at your sudden effort against the Steelers. I was so surprised that a hundred dollars fell out of my pockets when the game was over. A-holes.

9) Browns: Hillis has a boo-boo that only a fat green compress can cure. Unfortunately the rest of the team is suffering from terminal suckitis.

8) Cowboys: Okay, so you’ve had a bit of a rough schedule, and you pissed away 3 games you could have won. And your head coach doesn’t trust the quarterback any more. The quarterback has certainly earned his distrust. And that distrust led the head coach to think playing “not to lose” against Brady at Foxborough is a pretty good idea. Wow, you guys might just be screwed after all.
 
7) Eagles: Totally dominated the game against the Redskins. Statistically blew them away. Rushing yards, passing yards, time of possession. Everything but the score. In a game in which Rex Grossman gets yanked after gift-wrapping 4 interceptions, and the Eagles dominate statistically they win by 7? And then celebrated like giddy schoolgirls in the locker room. Mike Vick heaped praise on his head coach in the presser, giving all the credit to him much like an enthusiastic Christian testifying for God on the TV. Quite a show. Okay, we get it. You love Andy Reid like a father. You don’t want him to get fired. He put his football ass on the line when he took a hard left turn and made you a franchise quarterback. Looks like he may have got burned. I’d have his back too.

6) Panthers: Look, you guys don’t need that first overall pick, and quite frankly as bad as you may be, you are out of your league. It just ain’t happening. You’ve got John Beck and the Redskins, and Ponder and the Vikings coming up. You drop both of those and we’ll begin to take you seriously again.

5) Cardinals: I’m a stand-up guy. When I included Fitzgerald in my Players to Target article I said the Cardinals would be fine with Kevin Kolb at the helm. It was stand-up. I was doing a comedy routine.

4) Vikings: Oh yeah, I could rail on McNabb one more time while he’s down. But at this point that’s like wailing away at an open casket. So let’s Ponder the Vikings future instead. Hmm. The Packers two of the next three and only two teams left on the schedule with losing records. They showed the owner up in the box late in the game when his team was down 29 points. Mr. Wolf was laughing and smiling and have a good old time. I’m in severe depression because my POS redraft team is 3-3 and this guy is yucking it up while his boys make Cutler look like Tom Brady? Of course he’s laughing. He just bet McNabb’s entire salary on the Bears. He’s off scot-free! Well, except for the 14 losses and all, but still…

3) Rams: Hey piñata….I mean Bradford, come back, we have receivers now. Real NFL receivers that go where the ball is supposed to be thrown and everything. Sam?

2) Dolphins: I hate it when a team on Monday night football is a candidate for the top spot in the Misery Index. I have to stay up all night doing complicated Misery calculations and it’s all quite messy. Fortunately the owner spoke up this week and expressed his desire for a real head coach and quarterback next year. With that vote of confidence, I could just put the Dolphins in their proper place before the Monday night game ever started. Thanks for your cooperation toward a good night‘s sleep, for me and anybody tuned into ESPN in a reclined position.

1) Colts: The loss to the Bengals was almost symbolic. A passing of the flaming dog poo torch.


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