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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge: Week 9
Kevin Ratterree
November 1, 2011
 

Monday night football commentary.

Early first quarter: Dwayne Bowe catches a ball diving out of bounds. Looked like a catch to the naked eye. Looked like a catch to the two officials that were closest to the play, looked incomplete to the official too far across the field to be over-ruling the guys that were right on top of the play. I don’t want a guy 50 feet away over-ruling the guy 10 feet away. I don’t even care if he is right. If the guys that could actually see the play screw it up let the coach challenge it and fix it.  Put away your binoculars and concentrate on your own side of the field there Eagle Eye.

But then again the challenge system is imperfect too. Just a couple of plays later the review officials decided that Dexter McCluster did indeed fumble a ball while flat on his back. No ambiguity. Dude was on his back. Down. Mid-game rule exception for the Chargers. That replay official should be fired. He is either too stupid to know what constitutes a fumble is or he is on the take.

Rivers intercepted for the second time in the game at just under 5 minutes in the first quarter. Looks like the crooked replay official is going to have to pull several rabbits out of his hat to save the Bolts tonight.

Long touchdown to Baldwin and KC takes a 10-0 lead. Remember when Rivers used to throw touchdown passes like that? I was hoping the Chiefs would take an early lead and force Rivers to air it out 60-70 times in hopes he might actually get one.

End of the first quarter with the Chargers going backwards. I have a total of 3 points between Gates, Jackson, and Rivers. These guys are making an ass of me, and I am truly beginning to despise them now.  Had I been thinking I would have flown to San Diego tonight to egg their houses, safe in the knowledge they would be in the Kansas City pulling their puds in front of a horrified national audience.  Lack of planning.  That is really my biggest problem.

Early second quarter and Gates finally touches the ball. A 20 yard catch. He just doubled my point output of my Chargers trio for the night. Oh boy, am I ever getting pumped now. I fear I may have soiled myself in all the excitement. I’ll have to check the next time I go to the bathroom. It could have just been a victory fart.

Drive stalls and a field goal by the Chargers finally gets them on the board at 10-3 mid 2nd quarter. And Nick Novak just got half as many points as my Chargers trio. Bathroom report: It was just a victory fart and apparently a premature one at that.

Chargers driving into the red-zone late in the half, Ryan Matthews stripped. Right now I fully understand why I bet on the Chiefs tonight, but I still can’t fathom why I drafted Chargers. I remember I was happy about it at the time. That lasted until about week 3. Now I am just praying for a miracle. A request rarely granted to pagan's I'm sure, but still never hurts to ask. 

Chiefs go 3 and out and Norv takes a low-odds challenge on the 3rd down pass/incompletion. Not only is this game low scoring and getting really boring, now it has slowed to a crawl. Norv must be trying to catch some of that magic he got with that early challenge. And it works!!! Fumble! The Chargers have the ball in the red zone. I am fully prepared to watch Ryan Matthews run it into the end-zone.

But no! Touchdown Gates! But no! It’s offensive interference! WTF?????? You have to be kidding me! These refs are the biggest attention-whore pricks ever to walk the face of the earth. WE DIDN’T TUNE IN TO SEE YOU DOUCHEBAGS, TAKE THOSE FLAGS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASSES!!!!

Chargers rack up some more yellow and end up 3rd and 32 at the two minute warning. I can’t believe what I am seeing with these officials. I would be ashamed to cash my check, but then I have a conscience.

Nick Novak misses a 50 yarder. Monday Night fantasy graveyard.

Chiefs survive horrible clock mismanagement and end the half with a field goal. 13-3 Chiefs.

Chiefs go 3 and out on first drive of the 3rd and the Chargers misjudge the punt and let it roll inside their 20. Incompetent teams and less competent refs. Yet we still can’t get enough. What is wrong with us? The trick or treaters finally stopped coming after I turned off the porch light. Now if I could figure out how to get rid of those pesky refs.

5 yard penalty on the Chargers to start the drive.

Chargers driving out of their end zone with Mathews and Floyd. My fantasy teams are on life support here.

Drive stalls with only a Gates reception. I need Vjax to catch a 99 yard touchdown and about a 50 yarder from Gates to set me right here. Anybody liking my chances? I always wondered what Chinese water torture would be like, and I imagine it is something quite like this. Field goal Chargers 13-6.

Interception Chargers in Chiefs territory. I hate to be picky, but I’m not getting a 50 yard TD or a 99 yard TD from inside the 30. And where were these interceptions when you dweebs were destroying the team defense spot in my lineups?

Drive stalls after a 6 yard pass to Gates. This is truly amazing. you couldn’t push these bozos across the goal-line with a bull-dozer. Field goal, Chargers down 13-9. Thankfully I am not playing against Novak , although I could be playing against Bye and still have my ass kicked tonight.

Rivers finally completes a long pass, and of course it is to Malcom Floyd. Has he passed VJax in the rankings yet?

You won’t believe this but the Chargers stalled again. Do you know how to tell if you are watching a bad football game? It is almost the 4th quarter and a kicker is leading in fantasy points. 13-12 Chiefs.

Chiefs march down the field and Jackie Battle punches it in against the defense that has been asked to hold way too many times tonight. Chiefs 20-12. But not until after a penalty on the point after. We almost forgot about the refs there for a minute. Whew, that was close!

Vincent Jackson is targeted with a pass that Yao Ming couldn’t reach. But soon after Vjax catches a 20 yarder on 3rd and long. Probably too little too late, but thanks for throwing me a bone.  I was wondering if VJax was dead as he has made my fantasy teams.

So Mathews does the rest of the heavy lifting and some dude named Brinkley scored a touchdown and the two point conversion. And he just outscored Vjax in two plays. So now random Chargers I never heard of are racking up the fantasy points. And the Chargers just tied the game. This night is turning into Helloween.

Jackie Battle gets tackled by his facemask on 3rd and 1.  Apparently I was the only person in America that saw it, it flew right by the announcers.

Rivers converts on a 3rd and 18 to Patrick Crayton. My guys are just invisible out there. It’s like the Twilight Zone. Anyway, my fantasy teams are completely screwed at this point. The Chargers move all the way down to field goal range at the 2 minute warning. Now my Chiefs +3 is in peril in addition to my comatose fantasy teams. I’m not feeling so good.

Chiefs can’t get a stop on 3rd and 1, but the Chargers drop the ball on the next snap. Wow, these guys just hate winning. A reprieve from a sure push on my Chiefs bet, and with overtime looming, once again a shred of hope for my fantasy teams I have buried more times that Ron Jeremy has buried…well you get the idea.

Cassel leads the Chiefs across mid-field but ends up throwing a pick with .06 left on the clock. Overtime!  I put an exclamation point because the only thing better than bad football is more bad football!

Chargers get the ball first. As of now I’m rooting for a tie because neither of these teams deserve to win and it would probably end up really screwing the Raiders.

Tamba Hali gets yet another sack on Rivers ruining the opening drive of overtime. But not to worry, Kansas City drew a block in the back on the ensuing punt and ended up at the 20. Tie! Tie! Tie!

Chiefs take a time out and I luck out and catch one of the 50 Deion commercials. Just when I thought my night couldn’t get any uglier.

Dexter McCluster making some plays, moving the Chiefs down the field.

Whew. The Chiefs threw in a Thomas Jones carry to slow down the drive. But then Cassel converts a 3rd and 14. Hopefully Rivers is watching this and taking notes.

Chiefs move effortlessly toward the goal-line. Chiefs set up a game winning field goal at the 11. The ever-clever Norv Turner uses the last bullet in his gun freezing Succop with a time out, but it was for naught. You can only f’ up as a football team so much and get away with it. And Norv’s teams always press the limit. The game came down to the Chargers needing a simple single successful snap to all but sew up the victory, and they couldn't even pull that off.  Legendary choke job for a normal franchise, but just another day at the orifice for these brown nuggets. 

Bonehead play of the week: So after I watched Eric Decker suffer at the mercy of errant Tim Tebow passes in week 7, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was going to bench him. For anybody. And I mean anybody. Please just let it stop. If I start him, I might feel tempted to watch the game and how miserable would that be? Touchdown. Bunch of catches. On my bench. Nice. I didn’t start him the week I picked him up on waivers and he lit it up. Then when I finally bench him he lights it up again. Huge points swings on those calls. I benched him twice and lost half his points for the season. Gotta love that. Like flushing money right down the toilet. It‘s really almost comical how often this kind of thing happens to me. Well, other than the money down the toilet aspect.

Misery Index

10a) Jaguars: When Gabbert played at Mizzou, I always got the feeling he hated to get hit. Now that he is getting hit on a regular basis, I know he hates to get hit. Not that I blame him. But unfortunately part of the price of being a good quarterback is being willing to stand in and take a hit. I blame the career counselors at Mizzou for not going over all of this with him.

10) Rams: There is something happening in St. Louis. Not sure exactly what it is, but it brought a baseball team back from the grave, and put a nasty voodoo on the Saints last Sunday. Honestly, that game was spooky. LaRussa came and laid hands on the team before the game, then they went out and shut down a team that hung 62 on Indy last week. They shut down Jimmy freaking Graham! Are you kidding me? I see losses in my column in the fantasy standings so apparently not. You know where this is headed right? Schedule gets easier. Rams go on a roll, finish 10-6 missing the playoffs because the 12-4 49ers win the division. We all realize once again how stupid we are to think we can predict anything in this league. That is my prediction.

9) Seahawks: Have you considered adding a 13th man?

8) Browns: Remember how at least the Browns were interesting with Hillis? Fantasy players would actually watch Browns football games. Now they are boring and they suck. The only people watching are the ones whose team is kicking their ass. But I doubt even they really like it much.

7) Broncos: Lions 1 Christian 0. Are we over this Tebow thing now? Yeah, you can spot the Dolphins 15 and live to tell but coming back from down 30 to the Lions is like trying to push a camel through the eye of a needle. So can we take down the billboards and just pretend none of this ever happened? If you really love Tebow, you will drop to your knees and pray that he is benched and spared the degradation of these weekly public humiliations and mockings. Apparently likeability and faith fall somewhere behind accuracy, footwork, the ability to read complex defenses, protecting the football, and mechanics as it pertains to being a successful NFL quarterback. Here in the real world anyway. Ain't that a kick in the head.

6) Redskins: Okay, so Kyle Shanahan spent the summer pimping John Beck as the next big thing, and we rolled our eyes. Then Rex Grossman was named the starter and we rolled our eyes. And now we are 8 games in and the Redskins are keen to the fact that they are in a “lesser of two evils” situation at quarterback. Either that or Kyle Shanahan himself is defective as an offensive coordinator. Or both. Probably both. Well, if Kyle isn’t doing his job his daddy will just have to fire his ass. Simple enough.

5) Cardinals: Okay, so Kolb has turf toe. Gee, I hope he doesn’t start playing like crap now.  I hope they don't have to replace him with someone that sucks.

4) Cowboys: Mr. Ryan. Here’s the deal. Know-nothing writers like myself can take pot-shots all day long at the “Hype team.” There is no retribution. It’s sniper fire from behind a thick steel wall. You on the other hand do not have that license. What next? March your team blindfolded into a biker bar and tell the biker gang that your boys think they a bunch of vagina’s? Man, nothing kills your cred faster than talking chit and then getting blasted. Oh, and cut your hair dude. You’re scaring my wife. So you’ve got that going for you.

3) Panthers: Cam Newton will win many fantasy championships this year. Now if he could just win a game for his NFL team. I would elaborate but I don’t want Steve Smith to come over here and kick my ass. And truth is, he might have won the game if his kicker could have mastered the complexities of a 30 yard field goal on a fair-weather day. Steve Smith ought to smack his Mare ass for that.

2) Dolphins: I just can’t look at Sparano any more without thinking about Weekend at Bernie’s. He might as well put on a cabana shirt and have someone hold him up on the sidelines.

1) Colts: You Colts fans are the luckiest SOBs on the planet! I mean really ,when I step back and think about this, you got the first overall in ’98, and picked Manning over Ryan Leaf. He carries you for over a decade, gets you a championship and a quality product to watch on a weekly basis. Then, the year he finally misses a game, he misses the whole damn season, team falls apart, and it just happens to be the year before the next Peyton Manning is available in the draft. If there is a god, he loves him some Indy.


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