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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge: Week 13
Kevin Ratterree
November 29, 2011
 

Yeah, I bailed on Ryan Fitzpatrick last week. Dumped him in both my remaining leagues. After watching him drop a load in his drawers against the Cowboys and Dolphins in consecutive weeks, and with a game against the Jets on deck, I bailed. Uncanny.
            
Two weeks ago I traded Vincent Jackson. I needed stability at the WR position. I couldn't handle any more of Jackson’s many "off days."  This week I got 3 points from my stable Mike Wallace, and my “new Vincent Jackson” Julio Jones went Rich Little on me with his dead on impersonation of the Vjax disappearing act. I dumped Jackson and now the rest of my team has turned into Jackson’s. Vjax is like that B.O. in the Seinfeld episode.

So anyway, I couldn’t decide between Matt Moore and Rex Grossman to replace Fitzpatrick so I got them both. And just for kicks I picked up Caleb Hanie as well. I started Moore. He was a decent plug-in with 15 points. Unfortunately however, he was bested by both Moore and Grossman each of whom trumped 20 fantasy points. And so the match-up guessing game nightmare begins.

When I was a kid, and would see a scene of someone in quicksand on television, I used to wonder what that would feel like. 40 years later I have my answer.

Interestingly, the guy I traded VJax to immediately dealt him after his blow-up in week 11 to one of the playoff teams. So now I have that to look forward to. There’s some playoff money in my bank. A Trojan horse loaded with misery safely behind enemy walls.

The guy I traded Roethlisberger to earlier in the year saw my pathetic situation at QB last week and tried his damndest to unload Big Ben on me at an inflated price. He’s like the people that show up in natural disaster areas hawking $30 gallon jugs of water.

All three of my waiver wire QB slugs outscored Big Ben this week. So bending down to drink from that muddy puddle of QB free agents instead seems to have been the prudent thing to do so far, despite the taste.

So, I am beaten and bloodied. I have a brown muddy ring around my mouth. I will appear as a homeless man to the perfectly coifed elite teams in my playoffs. They have probably already written me off, and the 3-5 ranked teams are desperately hoping they get that magical 3 seed so they can have a week 14 bye against my pathetic little 6 seed. I have them right where I want them.

Rex Grossman plays at home against the 31st ranked Patriots pass defense in week 14. Far be it from me to advocate Rex Grossman for any of your purposes. It could be a mirage in the eyes of a shipwreck survivor like myself, but I’m going to swim that way just in case.

Thursday morning I was relaxing watching TV before the house filled with hungry people. And I wandered across Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith on that show where they bitch at each other for a half hour.

Near the end of the show Bayless revealed his Thanksgiving meal, which he said is pretty much the same as every day. White turkey dry. Steamed potato plain. Steamed broccoli. A spoonful of cranberry sauce, and a diet coke. And I am wondering about cause and effect. Does eating this kind of meal turn you into a bitchy priss, or is this the kind of meal bitchy prisses are prone to eat?

Right before the commercial break they showed a “cartoon” graphic which looked to be just a still-shot of Bayless sitting at his desk turned “cartoon-like” with some sort of computer graphics. I thought it was a fine likeness, and even Bayless exclaimed that the graphic made him look like a psycho, so apparently he agreed.

Speaking of annoying things on television, after a year of relentless “NAPA-know how commercials” I am officially boycotting any NAPA auto parts store. I never would have really discriminated about what auto parts store I would go to, but from here on out I will make a conscious effort to make my purchases anywhere other than NAPA. I don’t want some douche bag behind the counter singing in my face. Just give me my damn battery and I’ll be on my way. Congratulations NAPA, you made me notice you. That’s half the battle. Keeping me from loathing you in the process is the other half. Epic fail.

Napa know how to piss me off.

I have been somewhat of an Ndamukong Sue apologist concerning his “dirty” play. My reasoning was that the guy isn’t really dirty, he’s just trying to create an atmosphere of fear for opposing offenses, and create an atmosphere of toughness for a team that sorely needed one. But the wrestling style stomp? In a must-win game? On a day when every television in America is tuned into your game? This is the day you choose to go Rowdy Roddy Piper?

What next? Are you going to break out a folding chair and crack Rodgers against the back with it? Nonchalantly drift over to the sidelines and put McCarthy in the sleeper hold? How about you carry a handful of baby powder onto the field and blow it in the OT’s face?

And then you lied to us afterwards and told us we didn’t see what we all saw? Look buddy, this is America. We only let politicians get away with that kind of crap. Cop a clue Mr Suh.

Bonehead Play of the Week: For some reason I got the bright idea that Ben Tate would be just as good a start as Cedric Benson. And I missed Cedric Benson’s one big game for the year. The good news though is that now the Texans truly have no quarterback so I probably won’t be tempted to repeat that roster decision. If I make one more moronic decision like that I swear that I will personally fly to Detroit and let Ndamukong Sue “lose his balance” the crap right out of me.

Misery Index

10) Panthers: Okay, so you finally found a team that blows worse than you do. You are still just one Peyton Manning vertebra away from being the same old losers you were last year.

9) Eagles: Well, this horror show should discourage any other whacked out teams from thinking they can buy a championship. It’s hard to do in basketball. Apparently impossible to do in football. But we applaud your frivolous plunder all the same. It was worth it just to see the gleam in the Eagles fans eyes….before the season started, back when you guys were just the formality of a 16 game season away from being the champs.

8) Succaneers: I’ve tried to ignore you guys but you just keep losing. I thought we were all done with this routine after last season. Unfortunately that’s what your fans thought too. See, now what you have done here is set unrealistic expectations. You went all Prince Charming on the first date and now they are expecting a dozen roses, a box of fine chocolates, and a limo ride every time out. But all they have got so far this year is a faded plastic gravesite bouquet, stale candy corn, and a ride to hell in a stinky cab.

7) Bills: Stevie, Stevie. Taunting Burress for being a dumb-ass and shooting himself? Did the team vote to take the 15 yard penalty for that? Because you knew it was coming. Just like you knew that potential game-winning pass was coming late in the 4th quarter. You know, the one you dropped. Burress likes to shoot himself in the leg. You like to shoot yourself in the foot. Frankly I see little difference.

6) Chiefs: That game against the Steelers reminded me of a big brother yawning and bracing his outstretched palm against little brothers head, while little brother just flails away without a prayer of ever landing a punch.

5) Jaguars: This team is one MJD away from being the Colts. People are calling for Del Rio’s head, but the team is so damn cheap they might consider telling Del Rio he can keep coaching the team, but next year he will have to start paying them.

4) Chargers: On Sunday morning Terry Bradshaw defended Norv Turner, saying he should not be fired. “Norv Turner has done too much…won division titles.” Won division titles? Yeah, I should hope so. Since Norv arrived on the scene the rest of the division is 69-123. And if you take out the Chargers 18-6 record vs. the division prior to this season, Norv has a record of 23-17 against everybody else. Maybe Bradshaw is buddies with Norv, or maybe he is drinking again. In any case the coach that doesn’t deserve to get fired watched his team commit 9 penalties en route to a home loss against a team that can’t complete a forward pass.

3) Vikings: I can’t figure out if the biggest problem is the questionable coaching, the omnipresent injuries, bad personnel, or Ragnar’s immense hair loss. Oh, wait a minute. The stadium is the problem. Just build a new stadium and everything’s going to be just fine.

2) Rams: A month has passed and I still for the life of me can’t figure out how this turd of a team took down Drew Brees and the Saints. The same team that just got punked by Beanie and Red Skelton. New owners have taken over since the head coach was hired. I’m thinking they are thinking, “what the hell were the previous owners thinking?”

1) Colts: Preseason odds on the Colts winning the Superbowl? 18/1. Preseason odds of any NFL team going 0-16? 30/1. Only one of those seemed like a sucker bet at the time.


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