When I sat down to watch ESPN
Countdown this Sunday, I had no idea what I was getting into. I was
ready for some football....I got handed Oprah.
Yes I suppose one had to expect the Countdown crew to
address the Rush Limbaugh fiasco, but what we got was so
more. The gang was in "funeral face" mode from the start. This
was serious business. Heartfelt apologies, admissions of wrongdoing, hanging
Rush out to dry ("he was not one of us" ), quivering lips, bordering
on crying, an estrogen filled marathon of feelings. All rushing out in
a sickening display worthy of any of the number of nauseating "reality shows" which
have corrupted our airwaves. Whether you cared for Rush or his comment
or not, none of us deserved that melodramatic
marathon. A revolting final act in a contrived morality play, which in
end created all the publicity the network was seeking from the very start. Bravo
While still reeling from that fear of revenue loss inspired
pity party, I turned over to see what the boys on Fox were
doing. They were playing their own game called Fox
ESPN guys=bad. Fox, obviously smarting from the publicity play ESPN had
pulled off, decided to let J.B, Terry, Howie, and Jimmie all take their shots
Rush and the countdown crew.
Terry Bradshaw in a glorious finale,
exclaimed that "if anybody came on this show and said the things Rush said,
it wouldn't take us 3 days, or 2 days, or even 1 day to say something about
it". The only thing missing was the Star Spangled Banner playing in
the background. I almost expected to see a halo appear above Bradshaw's
head as he grabbed J.B. and called him his "brother."
We now return you to your regularly scheduled football
Battle of the Longnecks: Monday Night Football was
a battle between the 2 QB's with the longest necks in the
Edge James let down his team and his fantasy owners as
a no-go on Monday Night. Word is that he was over
at Ricky Williams house where the two braided each others
hair and talked about
I wonder how the Indianapolis Ricky Williams like being
referred to as "the other Ricky Williams".
The Gramatica "brothers" performance on Monday
Night halftime was muy femenino. After 5 seconds
was screaming at my wife "pinche por favor mis eardrums"!!! (please
puncture my eardrums)
Having Keyshawn Johnson mic'ed
up for MNF was a good idea. I was beginning to think my disdain for
the Mouth of the South was waning. But then hearing Johnson diss Marvin
Harrison all night, seemingly trying to convince himself and all his mates that
he was better than Marvin, I realized......no, I still hate him.
A few weeks back a Huddler posted a thread about how annoying
Joe Theismann was on Sunday Night Football. Then
the thread dwellers piled on Paul Maguire as well. I
agree. I have noticed that these two guys use a few phrases over and over
and over. On this Sunday I decided to track both to them. Here are
Theismann used the phrase: I think...
or I thought... a total
of 22 times. 15 of those were in the 2nd half of a blowout, so we can conclude
that if the game gets out of hand we will hear plenty of what Joe
thinks. Lucky us.
MaGuire has two phrases with different versions:
Let me tell you
something.../ I'll tell you what...: A total of 18 times with 9
in each half, and
Look at this! / Watch
this! : Paul used these similar phrases 8 times but only 2 after
This was not a scientific
experiment. I did use the restroom, refill my drink and briefly acknowledge
my wife's presence. I did not count the numerous times
Theismann said "I believe" instead of "I think." And
after watching football all day, listening to these two drone on I did get very
drowsy a few times, so these numbers are conservative.
The only thing more disturbing than the results is that
I actually took the time to compile them. Somebody
the love of God please help me!!!
Speaking of tortured souls, it's
time for the MISERY INDEX:
10) BRONCOS: Shanahan pulled out every
trick in the book, the Broncos outplayed the Chiefs for
much of the game, yet in the end Dante's Inferno burns
yet another victim.
9) CARDINALS: Did you see the
an emotional Emmitt crying after the game. Quite a display indeed. Luckily
he has a giant pile of green Kleenexes in his wallet compliments of the brilliant
front office of the Deadbirds. The injury to the future HOF'er will allow
Shipp to resume his rightful role as starter. I can hear the waiver wires
8) CHARGERS: Alright
its official. They stink even when Boston has the best game he could possibly
have. This is not going to be pretty. I thought the Bears had
a good chance at 0-16, but this club could very well pick up the
7) FALCONS: Would anybody blame Mike
Vick at this point if he suddenly developed "complications" that
extend his recovery until the end of the
season. I half expect Dan Reeves to start grabbing his chest and going "Fred
Sanford" on the sidelines.
6) JETS: A bye week doesn't get you
off the misery index. A gang of Jets fans reportedly
kidnapped Pennington and restrained him while a faith healer
hands on him. If that doesn't work the clandestine group is trying to figure
out how to get Vinny to go with them on a snipe hunt Saturday night.
5) BUNGLES: This team after a heck
of a run the last decade is in danger of running out of
to lose. They may very soon be forced to begin actually winning, but it
is feared that may cause a cosmic shift in the universe with unknown and possibly
4) SAINTS: Aaron Brooks hasn't been
in a funk like this since he fell through the floor of
Granny's outhouse. But, hey at least the Saints didn't quit this
week. Nope, not this week when I laid a bundle against them at 6 1/2 point
underdogs. They hung around just long enough for a junk time FG that pushed
them 1/2 point over the spread. Did I mention that I hate the Saints and
gambling is evil.
3) STEELERS: What a totally pathetic
display against Cleveland. I haven't seen a beating
like that since Gerry Cooney retired. Tommy Maddox
on the sidelines looked like a guy who just got back from
a funeral, and found an eviction notice on his
door. The AFC North is the new molasses pit of the NFL.
2) RAIDERS: It seemed before last Sunday
that the Bears were the worst team in the
league. Apparently not.
BRAVES: Played 5 road games in the Division series and had to dodge
Cub fans spilling onto the field after Chicago
won game 5 in Dixie. America's team? They aren't even Atlanta's