have seen way too much of Warren Sapp in the last few weeks.
I have seen the pogo stick incident too many times. I have
seen the skipping like a girl through the opposing teams
stretches too many times. I have seen him talking trash
with that big old wad of tobaccy trying to escape his mouth
far too many times. I think Sapp must have spent a lot
of time locked in his room as a child, or more likely in
his mothers closet. The man needs attention like most of
us need oxygen. But I have noticed a disturbing trend with
all his showmanship. The jumping on a pogo stick, the skipping
like a little girl, always flapping his jaws like a henpecking
wife. I think I'm onto something here. It's one of those
things that makes you say hmmmm.
And just when I think Sapp will finally shut up and
quit polluting my ear canals and eyeballs with his antics,
out comes "slave master". Now he is blasting
Arrington for tattling about him to the "slave master".
Poor poor Warren Sapp. A slave. Bound and shackled, working
for the man for a few measly million dollars a year.
Mr. Sapp, if it wasn't for the "slave master" you
would likely be cleaning carpets in Oxford Mississippi
for $6.50 an hour. That is if you could fit your fat
arse in the company van seat. Please just shut up and
let your career wind down quietly and go. And after you
retire I swear if any network or cable outlet
hires you to fill my ears with a weekly dose of your
can't even let myself imagine that.
I don't understand the Monday Night Football producers.
They obviously want to sell sex by choosing Lisa Guerrero
as a sideline reporter, then proceed to cover her most
celebrated attributes under layers of clothing. And as
the weather gets cooler, the opportunities for headlight
spotting are going down week by week. Throw us a bone
here. I'm not expecting a tube top, but the least you
could do is lose the parka. If MNF just wanted someone
with a pretty face why did they put an obviously under-qualified
L.G on the sidelines instead of the much more knowledgeable
and experienced Suzy Kolber. The problem with paying
network executives so much money is that they then can
afford a cocaine habit.
The best sign I saw in the stands this week was in Seattle
for the 49ers game. It read: T.O. Sign my balls.
Frank Caliente after stinking up the joint as Jimmy
Kimmels replacement finally was actually funny last Sunday.
His impersonation of Jim Rome was classic. Dead on. "......you
know what else is GREAT? Me!....." I was laughing
so hard my wife thought I was losing it. Fortunately
for her she has never seen or heard Jim Rome so she had
no idea why that bit was so funny to me. Epic. Good call
Stuart Scott: What's up with the eyeglasses? I realize
that having eyeballs 5 inches apart is a feature you
are trying to conceal, but those Urkel glasses just made
you look dumber than you sound. And that is no easy feat.....dog.
I see that Scott changed out of the dork glasses and
into some wire frames. Better, but I can still tell that
your eyeballs are 5 inches apart. Do us all a favor and
go with the Ray Charles look.
Mike Holmgren was really urinating me off the other
night when he kept giving Mack Strong all those running
plays. I really needed points from Shaun Alexander, but
Holgren had some weird fascination with calling all the
good plays for Strong. I was sitting in my living room
calling Holmgren a Richard Face. Then I called him a
son of a female dog. Then when Strong got a 30 yard touchdown
with Alexander blocking I screamed at Holgren, "You
coitus head"!!!! Then on the next series Mack Strong
got an injury and Holmgrens devious plan to ruin my fantasy
team came to a screeching halt. Then I said, " there,
now what are you going to do you obese coitus".
Vocabulary is fun isn't it.
Hammerin' Hank of ESPN continues to spew nonsense with
his game predictions. I haven't been paying close attention,
but I did notice that the two picks on the website were
both wrong. Again. If you are having problems picking
winners this season, you can turn it around by betting
against Hammerin Hank, or as I like to refer to him Lightly
Red Sox3/ Cubs: I'm not a baseball fan since the strike,
but I will feel compelled to watch this series if it
happens.......uh, wait a minute........if this series
happens then that means the apocalypse is coming. I can
just see it now. Game 7, 9th inning, bases loaded, two
out, full count, and the pitch. Then the giant meteor
crashes into the ballpark. Yep, that will be one to watch.
WEEK 7 MISERY INDEX
10) Bills: Bledsoe has spent more time on his back the
last 3 weeks than a $20 hooker at Mardi Gras.
9) Cardinals: This team has all the impact of a Don
8) Packers: Losing a big 4th quarter lead at Lambeau
just isn't right. Favre returns to the Edward Jones Dome
house of horrors this week. Ahman Green is petitioning
the city to change the nickname from TitleTown to FumbleTown.
7) Bears: After a bye week against the Raiders they
returned to their old habits. The good news here is that
with the Cubs making a run at history Chicago can conveniently
block out this unsightly bunch.
6) Steelers: Let's hope Maddox didn't let his insurance
agent license expire.
5) Jaguars: When Del Rio put a block of wood and an
axe in the locker room for inspiration I doubt he imagined
one of his players would be clumsy enough to whack half
his foot off. We've always known kickers were a bit whacked
but this guy took it way too literally.
4) 49ers: Terrell, Terrell, Terrell. What? No tirade
this week pointing out the reasons why the team lost
the game. Let me help you. A drop by Owens. Owens drops
another one. Right through the hands of Owens.
3) Eagles: I have to admit I always thought McNabbs
'fro was just nappy looking, but ever since he got rid
of it things just aren't going well at all. There must
have been some magic, in that old natural so round, for
when he took it off his head, the team began to spiral
2) Raiders: This team may get it up for the Chiefs but
they will need handfuls of Viagara to do it.
1) Chargers: Our very last hope for an 0-16 team. The
good news is that David Boston has taken a step toward
mending fences with his team mates. I heard that during
the bye week he entertained the team by bench pressing
Doug Flutie, and revealing the secrets to concealing
cocaine in a squad car.