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Commentary From the Edge
By Kevin Ratterree
October 14, 2003
  I have seen way too much of Warren Sapp in the last few weeks. I have seen the pogo stick incident too many times. I have seen the skipping like a girl through the opposing teams stretches too many times. I have seen him talking trash with that big old wad of tobaccy trying to escape his mouth far too many times. I think Sapp must have spent a lot of time locked in his room as a child, or more likely in his mothers closet. The man needs attention like most of us need oxygen. But I have noticed a disturbing trend with all his showmanship. The jumping on a pogo stick, the skipping like a little girl, always flapping his jaws like a henpecking wife. I think I'm onto something here. It's one of those things that makes you say hmmmm.

And just when I think Sapp will finally shut up and quit polluting my ear canals and eyeballs with his antics, out comes "slave master". Now he is blasting Arrington for tattling about him to the "slave master". Poor poor Warren Sapp. A slave. Bound and shackled, working for the man for a few measly million dollars a year. Mr. Sapp, if it wasn't for the "slave master" you would likely be cleaning carpets in Oxford Mississippi for $6.50 an hour. That is if you could fit your fat arse in the company van seat. Please just shut up and let your career wind down quietly and go. And after you retire I swear if any network or cable outlet hires you to fill my ears with a weekly dose of your crapola................no.............no............I can't even let myself imagine that.

I don't understand the Monday Night Football producers. They obviously want to sell sex by choosing Lisa Guerrero as a sideline reporter, then proceed to cover her most celebrated attributes under layers of clothing. And as the weather gets cooler, the opportunities for headlight spotting are going down week by week. Throw us a bone here. I'm not expecting a tube top, but the least you could do is lose the parka. If MNF just wanted someone with a pretty face why did they put an obviously under-qualified L.G on the sidelines instead of the much more knowledgeable and experienced Suzy Kolber. The problem with paying network executives so much money is that they then can afford a cocaine habit.

Quick Hits

The best sign I saw in the stands this week was in Seattle for the 49ers game. It read: T.O. Sign my balls.

Frank Caliente after stinking up the joint as Jimmy Kimmels replacement finally was actually funny last Sunday. His impersonation of Jim Rome was classic. Dead on. "......you know what else is GREAT? Me!....." I was laughing so hard my wife thought I was losing it. Fortunately for her she has never seen or heard Jim Rome so she had no idea why that bit was so funny to me. Epic. Good call Frank....rack him.

Stuart Scott: What's up with the eyeglasses? I realize that having eyeballs 5 inches apart is a feature you are trying to conceal, but those Urkel glasses just made you look dumber than you sound. And that is no easy feat.....dog. I see that Scott changed out of the dork glasses and into some wire frames. Better, but I can still tell that your eyeballs are 5 inches apart. Do us all a favor and go with the Ray Charles look.

Mike Holmgren was really urinating me off the other night when he kept giving Mack Strong all those running plays. I really needed points from Shaun Alexander, but Holgren had some weird fascination with calling all the good plays for Strong. I was sitting in my living room calling Holmgren a Richard Face. Then I called him a son of a female dog. Then when Strong got a 30 yard touchdown with Alexander blocking I screamed at Holgren, "You coitus head"!!!! Then on the next series Mack Strong got an injury and Holmgrens devious plan to ruin my fantasy team came to a screeching halt. Then I said, " there, now what are you going to do you obese coitus". Vocabulary is fun isn't it.

Hammerin' Hank of ESPN continues to spew nonsense with his game predictions. I haven't been paying close attention, but I did notice that the two picks on the website were both wrong. Again. If you are having problems picking winners this season, you can turn it around by betting against Hammerin Hank, or as I like to refer to him Lightly Tapping Hank.

Red Sox3/ Cubs: I'm not a baseball fan since the strike, but I will feel compelled to watch this series if it happens.......uh, wait a minute........if this series happens then that means the apocalypse is coming. I can just see it now. Game 7, 9th inning, bases loaded, two out, full count, and the pitch. Then the giant meteor crashes into the ballpark. Yep, that will be one to watch.

WEEK 7 MISERY INDEX

10) Bills: Bledsoe has spent more time on his back the last 3 weeks than a $20 hooker at Mardi Gras.

9) Cardinals: This team has all the impact of a Don Zimmer roundhouse.

8) Packers: Losing a big 4th quarter lead at Lambeau just isn't right. Favre returns to the Edward Jones Dome house of horrors this week. Ahman Green is petitioning the city to change the nickname from TitleTown to FumbleTown.

7) Bears: After a bye week against the Raiders they returned to their old habits. The good news here is that with the Cubs making a run at history Chicago can conveniently block out this unsightly bunch.

6) Steelers: Let's hope Maddox didn't let his insurance agent license expire.

5) Jaguars: When Del Rio put a block of wood and an axe in the locker room for inspiration I doubt he imagined one of his players would be clumsy enough to whack half his foot off. We've always known kickers were a bit whacked but this guy took it way too literally.

4) 49ers: Terrell, Terrell, Terrell. What? No tirade this week pointing out the reasons why the team lost the game. Let me help you. A drop by Owens. Owens drops another one. Right through the hands of Owens.

3) Eagles: I have to admit I always thought McNabbs 'fro was just nappy looking, but ever since he got rid of it things just aren't going well at all. There must have been some magic, in that old natural so round, for when he took it off his head, the team began to spiral down.

2) Raiders: This team may get it up for the Chiefs but they will need handfuls of Viagara to do it.

1) Chargers: Our very last hope for an 0-16 team. The good news is that David Boston has taken a step toward mending fences with his team mates. I heard that during the bye week he entertained the team by bench pressing Doug Flutie, and revealing the secrets to concealing cocaine in a squad car.