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Commentary From the Edge
By Kevin Ratterree
October 21, 2003
  Repeat after me: Bill Parcells is a football genius. He can turn any team around regardless of the situation. I will never doubt him. He is a football god.

I'll be the first to admit that I thought Parcells really punked the Buccaneers when he played footsy with them and then pulled out of the coaching job at the last minute in 2002. But then again I figured he probably couldn't stand the thought of seeing Malcom Glazer with that funky red Amish face hedge every day. But that wasn't the only reason Parcells turned down the Tampa job. Parcells like most of the great ones is an egomaniac ( as evidenced by his ludicrous blonde dye job). The Tampa job was nowhere near the challenge Parcells wanted. He could see the writing on the wall. Gruden took the Buccaneers to the top of the mountain in his first season. Big deal. That team had underachieved for years. They were ready to finally put it together. Parcells didn't want the "cheap" Championship. He wanted to once again to be the miracle man.

When Parcells took the Dallas job everyone knew he would turn it around in big D. But if you would told me they could start the season 5-1 I would have laughed in your face and begged you to lay some money on it. Parcells saw the perfect situation which to the rest of us looked like a ludicrous decision. Jerry Jones wanted the team to succeed so badly that he was finally willing to part with the "puppet regime" head coach routine. The Cowboys are too young to know that they aren't suppose to be this good. The team plays in the NFC Least, where a mediocre team can become the division champ. Bingo. Success for the Tuna.....yet again. Amazing. Love him or hate him, we are in the presence of greatness.

Early call: Every week in this column I blast people left and right including prognosticators. It seems like the guys that are the highest profile number jockeys are the worst at what they do. And they are getting paid to do it. That really rubs me raw. I will offer my services to any national media outlet. I can be just as wrong as the guys you have now, and I'll do it for half the price. Let me put my money where my mouth is. I will offer one early week pick every week. Since I write this column on Monday nights I won't have the luxury of an injury report and all that fancy inside information the big boys have at their disposal. This week I will really stick my neck out for a big coconuts pick right off the bat. One game strikes me instantly.

Take the Giants +6 at Minnesota. Or better yet wait until just before game time and see if the spread pushes to 6 1/2 or 7. The Giants stink. The Vikings are flying high. The Giants are in disarray and the Vikings are undefeated. My pick is ludicrous. I know that even as you read these words you are thinking I am an idiot. But I have my reasons. First and foremost is the logic that once a team reaches 6-0 the odds of a loss go up dramatically each week. My pick has less to do with the teams involved than it does with the sheer odds. The Giants though stinking up the joint this season aren't really getting blown away in many games. I like the Giants plus the 6, and if you are feeling particularly lucky take the money line bet. It makes no sense but that is what the NFL is all about these days. Don't fight the madness, join in.

Sapp revisited: I just can't keep my mouth shut. Last week in this column I wrote about Warren Sapp: "And after you retire I swear if any network or cable outlet hires you to fill my ears with a weekly dose of your crapola................no.............no............I can't even let myself imagine that."

Every time I dread something, it happens. I'm kind of like a Cubs fan.

Two days later I heard the news. Sapp not only had his own show, he was hired by the NFL to host. On one hand they are fining him 50 g's for acting like a jackass, while on the other hand knowing full well a few days later they were announcing the new show. Well that is interesting. Very Vince McMahon. Looks like Mr. Sapp enjoys working for the "slave master" known to most of us as the NFL. I guess that childish kicking of the pylon before this weeks game was just a smokescreen. Sapp needed to reassure us that he wasn't really so tight with the slave master even though the idiots are going to shove a microphone in his face and pay for the privilege. What a joke.

Believe it or not I did receive a few nasty e-mails from Warren Sapp fans last week. Don't get me wrong, most of you sent very nice e-mails agreeing with my verbal slapdown of Warren Sapp. Very intelligent people sent me very intelligent e-mails with proper spelling. The few people that sent me nasty e-mails sent something like this:

Why are you so bitter. I know Warrin Sapp and I will be showwing him your'e arcitle. He will probaly come over too you're house and kick YOUR fat arse. Enjoy the beating ***hole!          Warrin Sapps freind

Let me address this. I am bitter because I have to live in a world with people like you and Warren Sapp. If you indeed know Warren Sapp it shows that he surrounds himself with people just like him. If he reads my article and can squeeze a beating into his busy schedule, he is more than welcome to do so, because then the rest of my life I will have a great story to tell of how Warren Sapp caved in my face one day. Plus then a judge would make him give me some of his money. I do not have a fat arse.

Hey, if you don't agree with what I say please don't be afraid to send feedback. If it provides me with as much comic material as this one I may just include it in my next column. Proper spelling is of course optional.

MISERY INDEX

10) Eagles: I don't really understand how this team is 3-3. They look a lot like a 1-5 team to me. 134 yards total offense against the generous Giants? You have to be kidding me! The Chunky Soup curse hit McNabb with a broken bone last year, and this year it has removed every shred of talent he once had. Looks like Andy Reid is going down the same road Mike Martz went down last season. You know, the one where everyone else can see that the QB needs to be benched except the person with the power to do so. Go down with the ship Andy, go down with the ship.

9) Bungles: After a beatdown of division rival Ravens our beloved kitties are 2-4. In the division they play in that puts them 1 game out of first place. Looks like the NFC Least has some competition!!

8) Bucs: A loss to the 49ers who came into the game as wounded underdogs, with a broken down QB and a makeshift offensive line. This defense is not even close to the '85 Bears, the '00 Ravens, or even the '03 Bengals at this point. Maybe Sapp should stop running into defenseless ref's, and kicking defenseless pylons, and figure out how to turn this big talking, little achieving team around.

7) Seahawks: Not only did this team allow the Bears to tie the game late, they did it by letting 53 year old Chris Chandler run in the tying TD. After the 5 yard run Chandler needed oxygen and an IV. Though they won the game, they get a spot in the misery index for letting a guy with no knee cartilage win a 5 yard race against 11 guys.

6) Lions: This has turned from a team with promise to a team that is promiscuous. They are kind of like NFL version of the neighborhood 'ho. Everybody is taking their turn.

5) Falcons: When you bring in a new QB to spark the team against one of the worst defenses in the league, you aren't really looking for 9-29 115 and a pick. I wonder what Steve Bartkowski or Jeff George are up to.

4) Bears: A team with nothing to lose is a dangerous thing, especially when the head coach already has his office boxed up sitting next to the front door. Kordell has to feel good about the fact that the team looks much better with the decrepit Chandler at the helm.

3) Giants: When Jim Fassel took over the play calling from Sean Peyton last season, he did so at the softest part of the schedule. He created the illusion that maybe he knew how to play calls after all. But after 6 games this season Fassel's play calling has led to a 2-4 record while Peyton is 5-1 with the Cowboys. Any questions?

2) Raiders: It's official. The Raiders couldn't beat the Chiefs on their worst day and find themselves 5 games back in the division. Game, set, match. Raider fans will fight to the end and argue that if Gannon had not been injured the men in black would have pulled it out. But the fact is that the Raiders looked better with Tuiasosopo at the helm. A sad testament indeed.

1) Cubs, Redsox, and respective goats: First of all, everybody in the media went out of their way to say that it wasn't Steve Bartman's fault that the Cubs lost. How does anybody know that? Every action we take in our lives has infinite effects on the outcome of events. I say it was his fault the Cubs lost. It was also every other fan that reached out with their fat beer stained hands to touch that foul ball. If you are a true fan in that situation you duck and cover if you have to just to try and avoid interfering. If that ball grubbing mob was a representative group of the Cubs fans, they neither have the intelligence or desire to deserve a Championship. And as far as the Red Sox, manager Grady Little is 100% to blame for the Sox loss because he was the only one in America that couldn't see that Pedro was done. And then Little proceeds to insinuate that the team was thinking about the ghost of Bill Buckner. In years to come perhaps the Sox will choke thinking about the ghost of Grady Little and his moronic managing. I've said it before but it bears repeating. Stupid people of the world....STOP MAKING BABIES!!!!