after me: Bill Parcells is a football genius. He can turn
any team around regardless of the situation. I will never
doubt him. He is a football god.
I'll be the first to admit that I thought Parcells really
punked the Buccaneers when he played footsy with them
and then pulled out of the coaching job at the last minute
in 2002. But then again I figured he probably couldn't
stand the thought of seeing Malcom Glazer with that funky
red Amish face hedge every day. But that wasn't the only
reason Parcells turned down the Tampa job. Parcells like
most of the great ones is an egomaniac ( as evidenced
by his ludicrous blonde dye job). The Tampa job was nowhere
near the challenge Parcells wanted. He could see the
writing on the wall. Gruden took the Buccaneers to the
top of the mountain in his first season. Big deal. That
team had underachieved for years. They were ready to
finally put it together. Parcells didn't want the "cheap" Championship.
He wanted to once again to be the miracle man.
When Parcells took the Dallas job everyone knew he would
turn it around in big D. But if you would told me they
could start the season 5-1 I would have laughed in your
face and begged you to lay some money on it. Parcells
saw the perfect situation which to the rest of us looked
like a ludicrous decision. Jerry Jones wanted the team
to succeed so badly that he was finally willing to part
with the "puppet regime" head coach routine.
The Cowboys are too young to know that they aren't suppose
to be this good. The team plays in the NFC Least, where
a mediocre team can become the division champ. Bingo.
Success for the Tuna.....yet again. Amazing. Love him
or hate him, we are in the presence of greatness.
Early call: Every week in this column I blast people
left and right including prognosticators. It seems like
the guys that are the highest profile number jockeys
are the worst at what they do. And they are getting paid
to do it. That really rubs me raw. I will offer my services
to any national media outlet. I can be just as wrong
as the guys you have now, and I'll do it for half the
price. Let me put my money where my mouth is. I will
offer one early week pick every week. Since I write this
column on Monday nights I won't have the luxury of an
injury report and all that fancy inside information the
big boys have at their disposal. This week I will really
stick my neck out for a big coconuts pick right off the
bat. One game strikes me instantly.
Take the Giants +6 at Minnesota. Or better yet wait
until just before game time and see if the spread pushes
to 6 1/2 or 7. The Giants stink. The Vikings are flying
high. The Giants are in disarray and the Vikings are
undefeated. My pick is ludicrous. I know that even as
you read these words you are thinking I am an idiot.
But I have my reasons. First and foremost is the logic
that once a team reaches 6-0 the odds of a loss go up
dramatically each week. My pick has less to do with the
teams involved than it does with the sheer odds. The
Giants though stinking up the joint this season aren't
really getting blown away in many games. I like the Giants
plus the 6, and if you are feeling particularly lucky
take the money line bet. It makes no sense but that is
what the NFL is all about these days. Don't fight the
madness, join in.
Sapp revisited: I just can't keep my mouth shut. Last
week in this column I wrote about Warren Sapp: "And
after you retire I swear if any network or cable outlet
hires you to fill my ears with a weekly dose of your
can't even let myself imagine that."
Every time I dread something, it happens. I'm kind of
like a Cubs fan.
Two days later I heard the news. Sapp not only had his
own show, he was hired by the NFL to host. On one hand
they are fining him 50 g's for acting like a jackass,
while on the other hand knowing full well a few days
later they were announcing the new show. Well that is
interesting. Very Vince McMahon. Looks like Mr. Sapp
enjoys working for the "slave master" known
to most of us as the NFL. I guess that childish kicking
of the pylon before this weeks game was just a smokescreen.
Sapp needed to reassure us that he wasn't really so tight
with the slave master even though the idiots are going
to shove a microphone in his face and pay for the privilege.
What a joke.
Believe it or not I did receive a few nasty e-mails
from Warren Sapp fans last week. Don't get me wrong,
most of you sent very nice e-mails agreeing with my verbal
slapdown of Warren Sapp. Very intelligent people sent
me very intelligent e-mails with proper spelling. The
few people that sent me nasty e-mails sent something
Why are you so bitter. I know Warrin Sapp and I will
be showwing him your'e arcitle. He will probaly come
over too you're house and kick YOUR fat arse. Enjoy the
beating ***hole! Warrin Sapps freind
Let me address this. I am bitter because I have to live
in a world with people like you and Warren Sapp. If you
indeed know Warren Sapp it shows that he surrounds himself
with people just like him. If he reads my article and
can squeeze a beating into his busy schedule, he is more
than welcome to do so, because then the rest of my life
I will have a great story to tell of how Warren Sapp
caved in my face one day. Plus then a judge would make
him give me some of his money. I do not have a fat arse.
Hey, if you don't agree with what I say please don't
be afraid to send feedback. If it provides me with as
much comic material as this one I may just include it
in my next column. Proper spelling is of course optional.
10) Eagles: I don't really understand how
this team is 3-3. They look a lot like a 1-5 team to
total offense against the generous Giants? You have to
be kidding me! The Chunky Soup curse hit McNabb with
a broken bone last year, and this year it has removed
every shred of talent he once had. Looks like Andy Reid
is going down the same road Mike Martz went down last
season. You know, the one where everyone else can see
that the QB needs to be benched except the person with
the power to do so. Go down with the ship Andy, go down
with the ship.
9) Bungles: After a beatdown of division
rival Ravens our beloved kitties are 2-4. In the division
in that puts them 1 game out of first place. Looks like
the NFC Least has some competition!!
8) Bucs: A loss to the 49ers who came into the game
as wounded underdogs, with a broken down QB and a makeshift
offensive line. This defense is not even close to the
'85 Bears, the '00 Ravens, or even the '03 Bengals at
this point. Maybe Sapp should stop running into defenseless
ref's, and kicking defenseless pylons, and figure out
how to turn this big talking, little achieving team around.
7) Seahawks: Not only did this team allow the Bears
to tie the game late, they did it by letting 53 year
Chris Chandler run in the tying TD. After the 5 yard
run Chandler needed oxygen and an IV. Though they won
the game, they get a spot in the misery index for letting
a guy with no knee cartilage win a 5 yard race against
6) Lions: This has turned from a team with promise to
a team that is promiscuous. They are kind of like NFL
version of the neighborhood 'ho. Everybody is taking
5) Falcons: When you bring in a new QB to spark the
team against one of the worst defenses in the league,
you aren't really looking for 9-29 115 and a pick. I
wonder what Steve Bartkowski or Jeff George are up to.
4) Bears: A team with nothing to lose is a dangerous
thing, especially when the head coach already has his
office boxed up sitting next to the front door. Kordell
has to feel good about the fact that the team looks much
better with the decrepit Chandler at the helm.
3) Giants: When Jim Fassel took over the play calling
from Sean Peyton last season, he did so at the softest
part of the schedule. He created the illusion that maybe
he knew how to play calls after all. But after 6 games
this season Fassel's play calling has led to a 2-4 record
while Peyton is 5-1 with the Cowboys. Any questions?
2) Raiders: It's official. The Raiders couldn't beat
the Chiefs on their worst day and find themselves 5 games
back in the division. Game, set, match. Raider fans will
fight to the end and argue that if Gannon had not been
injured the men in black would have pulled it out. But
the fact is that the Raiders looked better with Tuiasosopo
at the helm. A sad testament indeed.
1) Cubs, Redsox, and respective goats: First of all,
everybody in the media went out of their way to say that
it wasn't Steve Bartman's fault that the Cubs lost. How
does anybody know that? Every action we take in our lives
has infinite effects on the outcome of events. I say
it was his fault the Cubs lost. It was also every other
fan that reached out with their fat beer stained hands
to touch that foul ball. If you are a true fan in that
situation you duck and cover if you have to just to try
and avoid interfering. If that ball grubbing mob was
a representative group of the Cubs fans, they neither
have the intelligence or desire to deserve a Championship.
And as far as the Red Sox, manager Grady Little is 100%
to blame for the Sox loss because he was the only one
in America that couldn't see that Pedro was done. And
then Little proceeds to insinuate that the team was thinking
about the ghost of Bill Buckner. In years to come perhaps
the Sox will choke thinking about the ghost of Grady
Little and his moronic managing. I've said it before
but it bears repeating. Stupid people of the world....STOP