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Commentary From the Edge
By Kevin Ratterree
October 28, 2003
  Every week when I finish writing my column I say to myself, "Ok, that should be all of the Warren Sapp crap for a while". Because I really hate writing about him, and every week I keep thinking I can stop. I hate feeling like yet another pawn in his publicity ploys. But every week he does or says something more astoundingly stupid than the week before. I have to call him out again. That's what this column is about, spewing venom at the deserving victims. Saying things that just need to be said.

Let me address a few quotes:

"...we're talking about a nine year career of injustices..." Ok, I forgot were we talking about a sweat shop worker in Indonesia or an NFL multi-millionaire here?

"...black man in America, if you are making money you just suppose to shut up? It ain't right, it ain't right." Very nice playing the race card. Romo' never got in trouble since he was white, did he? No Warren you aren't suppose to just shut up. Though considering the low grade manure that constantly streams from you mouth, shutting up would certainly seem prudent.

".....you can't see our faces. You can't take off your helmet....Nobody knows who we are.....it would help out my marketability..". Ok I don't even really know where to start with this one. First of all it is a TEAM sport. It's about your employer the Tampa Bay Buccanneers. It's not about Warren Sapp. Warren, have you gotten a good look at your face. The fat face with a giant wad of chew hanging out. Trust me, we don't need to see your face, we don't want to see your face, and I'm not sure even your mother wants to see that face. If I was making $10 mil a year, I wouldn't really give a rats ass if anyone ever saw my face. I think I'd feel pretty blessed, and I'd dress up like an Iranian beeyatch covered from head to toe if necessary.

Sapp has garnered all the notoriety he so desperately desires over the last few weeks. He has diminished his legacy and has been an embarrassment to the league and mankind in general. He has no idea what an idiot he is showing himself to be, and how much he has made all of us wish he would just go away.

Corey Dillon certainly had an interesting week. I guess his untimely comments about wanting a trade must have really raked the Bengals fans. Now we have people in the streets of Cincinnati running him over on his way to the stadium. And to top off the week Rudi Johnson went off and presented the possibility that the Bengals may not need Dillon anyway. Not a good week to be Corey Dillon.

Well the opening barrage of LeBron James commercials are hitting the airwaves. Hey, it took only a few days for me to get sick of the Nike spot. With the millions Nike paid to get Lebron, and the millions they are going to pay to make us all absolutely sick of Lebron inside a year, you have to wonder what the profit margin is on those magical shoes. If this endorsement turns out well for Nike maybe they can spread the wealth and give those foreign factory workers a raise up to .95 an hour. I'm sure they'll do the right thing. I really wish no ill toward James, but since he already has a giant pile of cash I think it sure would be funny if he flamed out. That would be amusing if all these bandwagon jumping endorsement pirhana's took a beating on the bust of the century. But they will probably win in the end, and succeed with pounding us with LeBron endorsements for the next 20 years of our lives. Welcome to my living room Mr. James.

If Todd Heap's catch in the end zone is not a touchdown, the rules committee should really take a look at things. I like Instant Replay, but I find myself in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with Brian Billick. The system is only as good as the morons in charge.

EARLYBIRD BIG KAHUNA PICK: Well what can I say. I told you to take the Giants plus the points against Minnesota last week. I told you I suspected an upset in the making. But you didn't listen to me. I don't blame you. First pick and all. I understand. That was a big bang pick. I have your attention now. But I'm not taking going with the obvious here. I could have just as easily said to take the Buccaneers at home over the Cowboys. But that wouldn't have taken much imagination or big kahuna's. And this is the Big Kahuna Pick of the Week, so let's venture further into madness.

This week my choice game is Oakland at Detroit. Oakland is an early 3 point favorite on the road. Ok, general betting wisdom says never, and I mean never take a road favorite, especially when the teams are equally as horrible as the Lions and Raiders have been. And the other thing working against the Raiders is the phenomenon known as the "leveling factor". In this day of parity in the NFL, when in doubt go with the team with the worst record in a close game. Two strikes against taking the Raiders. I don't care. I like the Raiders laying the 3. I think Tuiasosopo may be just the spark these crusty old timers may need. And I feel even stronger about this pick than the Giants pick last week. RAIDERS - 3.

Week 9 misery index:

10) BROWNS: The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of the NFL. You never know who is going to show up. It could be the 1976 Buccaneers. It could be the 1999 Rams. If you want to play the home version of Fear Factor, just lay some bucks on or against the Browns. It's a wild ride my friend.

9) CHARGERS: As if things weren't going badly enough for the Chargers, Mother Nature kicked them out of their house for Monday Night football. Then the team assumed the role of the Arizona Cardinals at Sun Devil Stadium and got whacked in front of a national audience. By the way, are the Chargers receiver's shoulder pads made of rubber? I haven't seen that many balls bouncing since the time I rented a movie from the backroom of the video store.

8) 49ERS: I do not understand a team that crushes Tampa one week, then gets jacked by Arizona the next. Owen Pochman is about as popular in San Francisco right now as Steve Bartman is in Chicago. Two missed field goals and an extra point. Had he made any one of those the 'Niners are still breathing. Then just to cement his spot on the unemployment line he kicked the ball out of bounds in OT. Of course, the game should never have been that close to begin with. And how bad is the kicking in the NFL when Todd Peterson can still get a job.

7) REDSKINS: On a bye after a 3 game losing streak. The ole ball coach is calling the players quitters. The coaching staff, while showing game film to the team calls out a player that has been cut from the team, and the other players had to point out to the staff that the player they are yelling at was not present. Danny Wuerffel would rather sit at home watching Springer and Oprah all day than take the back-up job for the league minimum of 300 g's. And Spurrier must match wits with Parcells this Sunday. All is not well.

6) STEELERS: You knew desperation had set in when Bill Cowher put the Steelers in retro mode by jump starting The Bus. The problem is that when you are going to dust a guy off and shove him back in the spotlight, sometimes you forget why you put him on the bench in the first place. Because he was part of the problem, not part of the solution. The biggest part of the problem in Pittsburgh is that the offensive line couldn't win a game of Red Rover against the neighborhood kids, and the secondary looks like it is playing in a house of mirrors. On a positive note however, Cowher's facial contortions during these gut wrenching losses are priceless entertainment for students of Chinology.

5) TEXANS: I've given the Texan's a free pass from the misery index since they are an expansion team. I'm not completely heartless. But after a decent start this season, expectations were probably higher for a team that now looks like it's headed for a 4-12 sophomore year.

4) RAIDERS: "Coach" Callahan has stated publicly that Gannon is his man if and when healthy. Which tells me that either Callahan has been ordered to do so by Al Davis (who keeps his laundry in the refrigerator and has begun a fingernail clipping collection) , or Callahan is screaming to the world, "I am a fraud as a head coach in the NFL"! It's Tui' time. Gannon can't save the Raiders season now, and worse yet I don't think he has the ability to do so anymore. Al, for God's sake take your clothes out of the fridge, dump out your fingernail clipping jars, tell your head coach to hand the clipboard to Mr. Gannon.

3) KOREN ROBINSON OWNERS: ....and the people that told those owners to draft KRob. Really this extends to any high round bust player. It's funny how people who give fantasy advice get racked when it goes bad. Before the season everybody wants advice and guidance. We all weigh the opinions and make our choices. If we make the right choice our team achieves fantasy glory and we credit ourselves fantasy geniuses. If we make the wrong choice the person that gave you the advice gets all the blame. Truth be told, just about every publication I saw ranked KRob as a can't miss pick. And there are several highly touted, highly drafted players that are busting. It happens every year. That's why they say "drafts are made in the mid to late rounds". You must be able to overcome. Just like real football my friends. Fantasy football can be a character building game, but for some it's just another way to pass the buck and play the blame game. Don't be a Sapp.

2) LIONS: Kobe Bryant scores more on the road than the Lions do. Any team that loses to the Bears with 56 year old Chris Chandler at the helm gets a high ranking in the misery index. It's a long long season when your first win is your only win.

1) YANKEES: Thuuuuuuhhhh Yankees lose. What a great moment in sports to see the underdogs celebrate at midfield in Yankee Stadium. No matter how many times I see that smug look knocked off Derek Jeter's face, I just never get tired of it. A hopping mad Steinbrenner will probably lead the charge to abolish the wild card next season. Zimmer will show up in Spring Training next February in full uniform and claim he doesn't recall retiring.