week when I finish writing my column I say to myself, "Ok,
that should be all of the Warren Sapp crap for a while".
Because I really hate writing about him, and every week
I keep thinking I can stop. I hate feeling like yet another
pawn in his publicity ploys. But every week he does or
says something more astoundingly stupid than the week before.
I have to call him out again. That's what this column is
about, spewing venom at the deserving victims. Saying things
that just need to be said.
Let me address a few quotes:
"...we're talking about a nine year career of injustices..." Ok,
I forgot were we talking about a sweat shop worker in
Indonesia or an NFL multi-millionaire here?
"...black man in America, if you are making money
you just suppose to shut up? It ain't right, it ain't
right." Very nice playing the race card. Romo' never
got in trouble since he was white, did he? No Warren
you aren't suppose to just shut up. Though considering
the low grade manure that constantly streams from you
mouth, shutting up would certainly seem prudent.
".....you can't see our faces. You can't take off
your helmet....Nobody knows who we are.....it would help
out my marketability..". Ok I don't even really
know where to start with this one. First of all it is
a TEAM sport. It's about your employer the Tampa Bay
Buccanneers. It's not about Warren Sapp. Warren, have
you gotten a good look at your face. The fat face with
a giant wad of chew hanging out. Trust me, we don't need
to see your face, we don't want to see your face, and
I'm not sure even your mother wants to see that face.
If I was making $10 mil a year, I wouldn't really give
a rats ass if anyone ever saw my face. I think I'd feel
pretty blessed, and I'd dress up like an Iranian beeyatch
covered from head to toe if necessary.
Sapp has garnered all the notoriety he so desperately
desires over the last few weeks. He has diminished his
legacy and has been an embarrassment to the league and
mankind in general. He has no idea what an idiot he is
showing himself to be, and how much he has made all of
us wish he would just go away.
Corey Dillon certainly had an interesting week. I guess
his untimely comments about wanting a trade must have
really raked the Bengals fans. Now we have people in
the streets of Cincinnati running him over on his way
to the stadium. And to top off the week Rudi Johnson
went off and presented the possibility that the Bengals
may not need Dillon anyway. Not a good week to be Corey
Well the opening barrage of LeBron James commercials
are hitting the airwaves. Hey, it took only a few days
for me to get sick of the Nike spot. With the millions
Nike paid to get Lebron, and the millions they are going
to pay to make us all absolutely sick of Lebron inside
a year, you have to wonder what the profit margin is
on those magical shoes. If this endorsement turns out
well for Nike maybe they can spread the wealth and give
those foreign factory workers a raise up to .95 an hour.
I'm sure they'll do the right thing. I really wish no
ill toward James, but since he already has a giant pile
of cash I think it sure would be funny if he flamed out.
That would be amusing if all these bandwagon jumping
endorsement pirhana's took a beating on the bust of the
century. But they will probably win in the end, and succeed
with pounding us with LeBron endorsements for the next
20 years of our lives. Welcome to my living room Mr.
If Todd Heap's catch in the end zone is not a touchdown,
the rules committee should really take a look at things.
I like Instant Replay, but I find myself in the uncomfortable
position of agreeing with Brian Billick. The system is
only as good as the morons in charge.
EARLYBIRD BIG KAHUNA PICK: Well what can I say. I told
you to take the Giants plus the points against Minnesota
last week. I told you I suspected an upset in the making.
But you didn't listen to me. I don't blame you. First
pick and all. I understand. That was a big bang pick.
I have your attention now. But I'm not taking going with
the obvious here. I could have just as easily said to
take the Buccaneers at home over the Cowboys. But that
wouldn't have taken much imagination or big kahuna's.
And this is the Big Kahuna Pick of the Week, so let's
venture further into madness.
This week my choice game is Oakland at Detroit. Oakland
is an early 3 point favorite on the road. Ok, general
betting wisdom says never, and I mean never take a road
favorite, especially when the teams are equally as horrible
as the Lions and Raiders have been. And the other thing
working against the Raiders is the phenomenon known as
the "leveling factor". In this day of parity
in the NFL, when in doubt go with the team with the worst
record in a close game. Two strikes against taking the
Raiders. I don't care. I like the Raiders laying the
3. I think Tuiasosopo may be just the spark these crusty
old timers may need. And I feel even stronger about this
pick than the Giants pick last week. RAIDERS - 3.
Week 9 misery index:
10) BROWNS: The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of the NFL.
You never know who is going to show up. It could be the
1976 Buccaneers. It could be the 1999 Rams. If you want
to play the home version of Fear Factor, just lay some
bucks on or against the Browns. It's a wild ride my friend.
9) CHARGERS: As if things weren't going badly enough
for the Chargers, Mother Nature kicked them out of their
house for Monday Night football. Then the team assumed
the role of the Arizona Cardinals at Sun Devil Stadium
and got whacked in front of a national audience. By the
way, are the Chargers receiver's shoulder pads made of
rubber? I haven't seen that many balls bouncing since
the time I rented a movie from the backroom of the video
8) 49ERS: I do not understand a team that crushes
Tampa one week, then gets jacked by Arizona the next.
Pochman is about as popular in San Francisco right now
as Steve Bartman is in Chicago. Two missed field goals
and an extra point. Had he made any one of those the
'Niners are still breathing. Then just to cement his
spot on the unemployment line he kicked the ball out
of bounds in OT. Of course, the game should never have
been that close to begin with. And how bad is the kicking
in the NFL when Todd Peterson can still get a job.
7) REDSKINS: On a bye after a 3 game losing streak.
The ole ball coach is calling the players quitters. The
coaching staff, while showing game film to the team calls
out a player that has been cut from the team, and the
other players had to point out to the staff that the
player they are yelling at was not present. Danny Wuerffel
would rather sit at home watching Springer and Oprah
all day than take the back-up job for the league minimum
of 300 g's. And Spurrier must match wits with Parcells
this Sunday. All is not well.
6) STEELERS: You knew desperation had set in when Bill
Cowher put the Steelers in retro mode by jump starting
The Bus. The problem is that when you are going to dust
a guy off and shove him back in the spotlight, sometimes
you forget why you put him on the bench in the first
place. Because he was part of the problem, not part of
the solution. The biggest part of the problem in Pittsburgh
is that the offensive line couldn't win a game of Red
Rover against the neighborhood kids, and the secondary
looks like it is playing in a house of mirrors. On a
positive note however, Cowher's facial contortions during
these gut wrenching losses are priceless entertainment
for students of Chinology.
5) TEXANS: I've given the Texan's a free pass from the
misery index since they are an expansion team. I'm not
completely heartless. But after a decent start this season,
expectations were probably higher for a team that now
looks like it's headed for a 4-12 sophomore year.
4) RAIDERS: "Coach" Callahan has stated publicly
that Gannon is his man if and when healthy. Which tells
me that either Callahan has been ordered to do so by
Al Davis (who keeps his laundry in the refrigerator and
has begun a fingernail clipping collection) , or Callahan
is screaming to the world, "I am a fraud as a head
coach in the NFL"! It's Tui' time. Gannon can't
save the Raiders season now, and worse yet I don't think
he has the ability to do so anymore. Al, for God's sake
take your clothes out of the fridge, dump out your fingernail
clipping jars, tell your head coach to hand the clipboard
to Mr. Gannon.
3) KOREN ROBINSON OWNERS: ....and the people that told
those owners to draft KRob. Really this extends to any
high round bust player. It's funny how people who give
fantasy advice get racked when it goes bad. Before the
season everybody wants advice and guidance. We all weigh
the opinions and make our choices. If we make the right
choice our team achieves fantasy glory and we credit
ourselves fantasy geniuses. If we make the wrong choice
the person that gave you the advice gets all the blame.
Truth be told, just about every publication I saw ranked
KRob as a can't miss pick. And there are several highly
touted, highly drafted players that are busting. It happens
every year. That's why they say "drafts are made
in the mid to late rounds". You must be able to
overcome. Just like real football my friends. Fantasy
football can be a character building game, but for some
it's just another way to pass the buck and play the blame
game. Don't be a Sapp.
2) LIONS: Kobe Bryant scores more on the road than the
Lions do. Any team that loses to the Bears with 56 year
old Chris Chandler at the helm gets a high ranking in
the misery index. It's a long long season when your first
win is your only win.
1) YANKEES: Thuuuuuuhhhh Yankees lose. What a great
moment in sports to see the underdogs celebrate at midfield
in Yankee Stadium. No matter how many times I see that
smug look knocked off Derek Jeter's face, I just never
get tired of it. A hopping mad Steinbrenner will probably
lead the charge to abolish the wild card next season.
Zimmer will show up in Spring Training next February
in full uniform and claim he doesn't recall retiring.