big thud you heard this Sunday night was the Cowboys falling
off their perch. The "Bill Bowl" lived up to
expectations. A low scoring game with more kicking than
a soccer game. The student took the master to the woodshed.
The better team won.
I noticed before the game that Bill Parcells hair was
a natural shade of gray instead of the surfer boy blond
dew he had been sporting. First of all, let me be the
first to thank Bill Parcells on behalf of all of us.
That surfer boy look was hard to stomach on a old man
with such a, well.......stomach. The question is did
Parcells decide to go that way, or is the impending doom
overpowering the industrial strength dye job? And after
Parcells was beaten, the two men hugged. The still shot
photo of the embrace that was on the home page of ESPN
was disturbing. I'll just assume that was a very awkward
moment in the embrace, and try somehow to erase that
horrible life scarring image from my consciousness.
Parcells has performed wonders on the team America loves
to hate. No question about that. But even Parcells can
surely see his team has hit a wall. They simply won't
be able to go anywhere with the offense they have. But
even so, if they win half of their remaining games they'll
still make the playoffs. All Parcells has to do is keep
the wheels from falling off, stay away from the Clairol
section of the beauty aisle, and everything is still
gonna be just fine.
Aside from the man hug, the most disturbing thing on
television last Sunday was the barrage of promo's for
Fox's new show "Simple Life". You know the
one I am talking about. The one where the two good looking
skanks are forced to live as farmers for our entertainment.
Sort of a "fish out of water" show so to speak.
The sight of the one skank putting her arm up a cow's
wazoo time after time all day really cut down on my urge
to snack. This is what television has come to? They think
that I, as a football viewer am the perfect audience
for this new skank arm up a cow wazoo show? Let's get
back to basics. How about a weekly show of Anna Kournikova
playing tennis against some other hot chick, and call
it Battle of the G-Strings. Or better yet, All Star No
Panty Tennis. With plenty of slow-mo. That's what we
want to see damn it. Is that so hard to understand?
My how our Bungles have grown. Chad Johnson called his
shot and his team backed him up. I suppose that at this
point it would be inappropriate to continue calling them
the Bungles, so I now proclaim them Bengals. Welcome
back Bengals. It's been a while. Nervous? America loves
a loser, and we want to come along on the ride with you.
Don't let us down. You are in the worst division in football.
You are in first place. The season is almost over. Hang
on Bungles....uh, I mean Bengals. We're rooting for you.
(Note: The views expressed above do not necessarily reflect
the views of fans of Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland.)
And what of the team they took down. Yes, the team on
the cover of Sports Illustrated last week, the Chiefs.
Kansas City has been nicked. A chink in the armor. It's
probably a good thing. When you hit 9-0 you forget how
it feels to lose. Also the pressure with the mythical "undefeated
season" speculation is instantly killed. And now
the Chiefs suddenly have an AFC crowd nipping at their
heels, all looking for home field advantage.
BIG KAHUNA'S PICK: I played the parlay last week on
The Cowboys and the under for the "Bill Bowl" and
was only half right, which is completely useless in the
world of parlay betting, which is why I don't like them
in the first place. It's tough enough to get one pick
right. So, back to the drawing board. And back further
out on a ledge I go.
But before I venture out on the ledge let me give you
a bit of information you might actually be able to use
for a change. I told you a few weeks ago how much I love
the home dog pick. This week let me tell you another
one of my favorites. I used to think that guys who played
halftime lines were truly sick individuals that just
couldn't pass up an opportunity to bet. Kind of like
guys who constantly bet on regular season hockey games.
But there is one halftime bet that seems to be a real
winner. Are you listening? In a blowout, and I'm talking
about at least a 17 point lead, preferably 20-21points.
Always bet the under on the halftime line. I used that
technique in both of the late game blowouts this Sunday
(Denver and Seattle games) and hit them both.
The concept is simple. The team in the lead is usually
going to slow down the game and milk the clock. The team
behind is reduced to being one dimensional, making the
job of defending them much easier. I have no solid percentage
numbers to give you, all I know is that I hit it almost
every time I play it, and it makes watching the second
half of a blowout much more interesting. Now that is
bang for your buck. Don't thank me, giving is it's own
reward. Ok, that's a load of crap. What I meant to say
is, your undying admiration is thanks enough.
Now, on to the pick. This week I completely lose my
mind. I will take Arizona +8 at home against the Rams.
Reasons? Of course. As horrible as the Cardinals have
looked for most of this season, a very strange thing
is happening when teams visit the desert. The dry desert
air has not been kind to road teams. Every game in Tempe
it seems visiting players end up getting IV's and hitting
the stretchers. And the Rams, while winning the last
2 weeks certainly have not looked pretty doing so. And
Martz seems intent on letting Warner back on the field
at the first opportunity. It seems like a whacked pick
on the surface, but it is perfect for the big kahuna's
pick of the week. If you are going to follow my advice
on this one, I would gamble on waiting later in the week
to see if the spread moves to 9. Unlikely but possible.
10) Cowboys: Terry Glenn said he hates everything about
New England. New England loves everything about Terry
Glenn. They love the fact that Terry Glenn plays for
a different team. They love the fact that when Glenn
comes to town with his new team, he catches one pass
for 8 yards. And they love the fact that they don't have
to look at Glenn's nappy hair on the sideline anymore.
9) Corey Dillon: Everybody is dogging Dillon. Personally
I feel sorry for the guy. I really do. He gave the best
years of his career for a lousy team, with no light at
the end of the tunnel. And now that the Bengals have
finally found respectability, Dillon is like a poor kid
with his nose pressed up against the display window of
the toy store. Dillon put his hand on the doorknob, and
Rudi has shoved him out the door. Corey, thanks for coming.
8) Buccaneers: The Buc's have become a sunken treasure.
They do fall hard in this league don't they. It's been
quite a season. Warren Sapp and Keyshawn have somehow
managed to make me hate them even more, which I did not
think was possible. And then the team pulls a tank job,
which I could not have imagined. Not a bad parlay.
7) Cardinals: The only thing that scores less on the
road than these guys are fat, smelly, obnoxious guys
with bad breath selling insurance out of the back of
6) Chargers: That old Flutie magic expired quicker than
clearance priced meat at the grocery store. They are
fighting tooth and nail with the Jaguars for that 1st
draft pick, which the Chargers are hoping to waste on
the next great "bust" quarterback.
5) Jaguars: So desperate for wide receiver help, they
take on a known cancer causing agent known as Kevin Johnson.
4) Bills: The Bills offense is like following an old
lady in a 68 Galaxie driving 40 mph down a two lane.
The turn signal is on, but she never turns. She used
to drive fast, but now she is afraid. Her reflexes are
slow, and she makes mistakes. She doesn't know which
direction she is going. She can't make decisions fast
enough, and you wonder if she has been drinking.
3) Roiders: The 'Roid Rage' gang rides again. Romanowski
wastes a teammate. Now Ty Wheatley smashes a cameraman's
face on his way out of court. But, hey I'm sure there
is no connection between these guys being tested positive
for 'roids and their pre-occupation with smashing faces.
Rick Mirer is on Firer. They let him throw the ball 13
times and he completed 9. If you have Roiders left on
your fantasy team do yourself a favor and pick up some
Falcons or Chargers instead.
2) Vikings: The only thing these Vikings are plundering
is their once insurmountable lead in the division. Last
week I blasted on Moss for dogging it, then come to find
out he was on the field with a concussion as a "decoy".
Ok, I accept that explanation I suppose. I guess it's
ok to have your superstar on the field with a head full
of cobwebs. What harm could come of that? But what happened
this week? Is Randy still not right? Culpepper is winning
fantasy games for his owners but is helping lose games
for his team. Vikings fans are scrambling to re-route
their late January vacation plans.
1) Bears: Ok, let me get this straight. Jim McMahon
drinks??? My world just doesn't make sense any more.