not a usual viewer of 60 minutes. Ed Bradley's earring
is just too disturbing an image for my sensibilities. But
I just had to take a peek when they kept previewing L.T.
crying all day on Sunday. It's funny how all the good stuff
comes out when a former player is hawking a book. The sensitive "crying
side" of L.T. is just the way most of us would like
to remember him. It was a great performance by L.T. with
all the necessary ingredients. Good stories filled with
all "the dirt" from back in the day, and a tearful
moment to remind us he is a human being with feelings.
The stories he told were certainly entertaining whether
true or not. The mere thought of an NFL player sending
gift prostitutes to opposing player hotel rooms makes
me question the sanity of betting hard earned money on
the results from the gridiron. I have to give L.T. credit.
It was a great idea. And the mental image I get when
I think of L.T. showing up for practice still handcuffed
from the key nabbing prostitute that double crossed him
is priceless. Maybe Taylor saw how the American public
ate up the "ate up" Ozzy Osbourne, and decided
there was room for one more loveable crispy head in pop
The guys on the CBS pregame crew certainly turned in
a putrid performance in regard to L.T.'s comments. The
two white former NFL quarterbacks threw a finger of blame
at L.T. for saying such nasty lies about drug use, prostitute
play, and the other unbelievable things L.T. said. Marino
never saw anything like that. Uh, ok Dan. We believe
you. C,mon, we've all seen North Dallas Forty. We've
all seen Playmakers. We've all seen Tamarack Vanover,
Ray Lewis, Ray Caruth, O.J., Nate Newton and on and on
Surprisingly only Deion (who himself is a good Christian
man far removed from any such illegal behavior) was there
to stand up and admit that he saw some of the things
L.T. was talking about. Of course he played with the
Cowboys and Michael Irvin so I suppose he had little
choice. But the other guys on the show played Mr.
Squeaky clean. Would not even soil there shoes walking
L.T.'s mess. So sanctimonious. Towing the league line.
It makes me want to barf like L.T. must have on so many
mornings after. Luckily for the CBS crew they have little
or no credibility (or audience share for that matter)
so there was no real damage done.
I was just thinking last weekend. After having ESPN's
resident "dumb guy" Michael Irvin shoved on
me this season, Deion Sanders doesn't seem nearly as
annoying as he used to be. Hmm. Michael Irvin, you have
accomplished amazing feats this season. Steel makin'
Several things pissed me off this weekend. First of
all John Kasay. My kicker. When I needed him the most.
When the Panthers needed him the most.
Doug Flutie's meaningless last second trash time spread
smashing touchdown pass. Way to go Doug. Now what do
I do for Christmas presents? Oh, I know, I'll make copies
of that game ending TD pass and pass them out to all
the kiddies. Don't worry about it Doug. We're all damn
proud you lost by only 4 instead of 11.
The Cowboys on Thanksgiving. What a dreadful performance.
Not that I care that they lost, but the fact that I picked
them as my Big Kahuna pick. There will be frozen Tudra
in Dallas the next time I pick those losers. I've picked
them twice, they bombed both times. Now I remember why
I hate them. Luckily the Eagles will exact my revenge
by stealing the division away from them.
BIG KAHUNA PICK. Ok, so this is turning into an exercise
in futility. I win. I lose. I win. I lose. I have proven
that I suck almost as bad as ESPN's Hammerin' Hank, yet
ESPN refuses to even return my phone calls regarding
taking his place. I explained to the secretary that they
will not only save salary by replacing Hank with me,
but that I would also require much less per diem (bar
tab). Soon they will see the folly of their ways. I just
One pick just reaches out and busts me in the nose.
The Cardinals are a 10 point underdog at San Francisco.
While it is true that the Cardinals are just about the
most pathetic road team in the history of the NFL, the
'Niners have shown that they suck equally as much as
the Cardinals. A 10 point spread between two teams that
suck really bad? I'll take the team that sucks really
bad plus the 10 points. CARDINALS +10
10) COWBOYS: Well the party in big D is over. This team
has less consistency than I do after eating 5 pounds
of grapes with an Ex Lax chaser.
9) PACKERS: Now the NFC North is turning into the division
nobody wants to win. Ahman Green's back is nearly broken
from carrying the team the last month. Luckily for the
8) VIKINGS: .....also seem to have no interest in winning
the crown. Maybe the Bears can get back in this thing.
They seem interested in winning after spending the first
month as the worst team in the league. The Vikings had
about a thousand yards of offense against the Rams and
still lost by 4 touchdowns. Sad.
7) GIANTS: What we have here is a team that has just
quit. I hear a lot of "football pundits" talk
about how great Jim Fassel is, and how he got the G-men
to a Super Bowl and all that. But he certainly isn't
inspiring anything in his team right now except the urge
to lay down. These guys ought to all give back their
paychecks. I'm surprised they aren't arrested for loitering
on the football field.
6) CARDINALS: Even the triumphant return of Emmitt Smith
(-3 yds) could not stave off another embarrassing road
loss. Tell me again why the residents of Tempe are paying
for a new stadium? Why would they go there?
5) BENGALS: Ok, old habits die hard. I know the Bengals
are one of the hottest teams in the league right now.
And to tell you the truth I am rooting for them all the
way. But they are tied with the Ravens. They play the
Ravens this weekend and in an unbelievable scenario this
is the game of the week. But regardless of how this one
turns out, the Bengals December schedule includes a roadie
at St. Louis , while the Ravens schedule is softer than
Phil Mickelson's man boobs.
4) REDSKINS: Nothing in the NFL is more gratifying than
the weekly torture this team submits owner Dan Snyder
to. Did you hear about how on Sunday Night Football in
Miami a couple of weeks ago it was Danny boy's birthday?
And when the 'Skins jumped up to a lead, his minions
wheeled a big birthday cake into Snyder's box. And then
his whole birthday got shot to hell when the Dolphins
came back to win the game. All the money Snyder wastes
on stupid decisions couldn't buy the kind of happiness
that brought me. Priceless.
3) 49ers: Yeah, it's a good thing they got rid
of that moron Mariucci. It turns out he was the problem
along. Note to 'Niners: When you fire somebody, always
make sure and hire somebody better to take his place.
Not worse. Better. Of course the fact that Garcia has
gone "Kurt Warner" on them doesn't help either.
2) BUCCANEERS: I saw a preview of the Warren Sapp interview
Sunday morning where they said, "Warren Sapp breaks
his silence on the state of the league". Breaks
his silence? The man hasn't shut up since the Reagan
administration. Gruden will be wishing he had all those
draft picks the Buc's gave up to get him, because it
looks like this engine needs a complete rebuild.
1) RAIDERS: Bill Callahan proclaimed the Raiders
the dumbest team in America. And who is to argue. Not
a ringing endorsement. But then. Callahan can see the
writing on the wall. He is just the figure head of the
puppet regime. He know someone has to pay for the sins
of this team, and knowing Al Davis it will probably start
with Callahan. The coach might as well take the team
down with him. Way to go Bill. That's the old Raider