1998, 1999, 2000, 2001 & 2002
Commentary From the Edge
By Kevin Ratterree
December 2, 2003
  I'm not a usual viewer of 60 minutes. Ed Bradley's earring is just too disturbing an image for my sensibilities. But I just had to take a peek when they kept previewing L.T. crying all day on Sunday. It's funny how all the good stuff comes out when a former player is hawking a book. The sensitive "crying side" of L.T. is just the way most of us would like to remember him. It was a great performance by L.T. with all the necessary ingredients. Good stories filled with all "the dirt" from back in the day, and a tearful moment to remind us he is a human being with feelings.

The stories he told were certainly entertaining whether true or not. The mere thought of an NFL player sending gift prostitutes to opposing player hotel rooms makes me question the sanity of betting hard earned money on the results from the gridiron. I have to give L.T. credit. It was a great idea. And the mental image I get when I think of L.T. showing up for practice still handcuffed from the key nabbing prostitute that double crossed him is priceless. Maybe Taylor saw how the American public ate up the "ate up" Ozzy Osbourne, and decided there was room for one more loveable crispy head in pop culture.

The guys on the CBS pregame crew certainly turned in a putrid performance in regard to L.T.'s comments. The two white former NFL quarterbacks threw a finger of blame at L.T. for saying such nasty lies about drug use, prostitute play, and the other unbelievable things L.T. said. Marino never saw anything like that. Uh, ok Dan. We believe you. C,mon, we've all seen North Dallas Forty. We've all seen Playmakers. We've all seen Tamarack Vanover, Ray Lewis, Ray Caruth, O.J., Nate Newton and on and on and on.

Surprisingly only Deion (who himself is a good Christian man far removed from any such illegal behavior) was there to stand up and admit that he saw some of the things L.T. was talking about. Of course he played with the Cowboys and Michael Irvin so I suppose he had little choice. But the other guys on the show played Mr. Squeaky clean. Would not even soil there shoes walking through L.T.'s mess. So sanctimonious. Towing the league line. It makes me want to barf like L.T. must have on so many mornings after. Luckily for the CBS crew they have little or no credibility (or audience share for that matter) so there was no real damage done.

I was just thinking last weekend. After having ESPN's resident "dumb guy" Michael Irvin shoved on me this season, Deion Sanders doesn't seem nearly as annoying as he used to be. Hmm. Michael Irvin, you have accomplished amazing feats this season. Steel makin' plays!!!

Several things pissed me off this weekend. First of all John Kasay. My kicker. When I needed him the most. When the Panthers needed him the most.

Doug Flutie's meaningless last second trash time spread smashing touchdown pass. Way to go Doug. Now what do I do for Christmas presents? Oh, I know, I'll make copies of that game ending TD pass and pass them out to all the kiddies. Don't worry about it Doug. We're all damn proud you lost by only 4 instead of 11.

The Cowboys on Thanksgiving. What a dreadful performance. Not that I care that they lost, but the fact that I picked them as my Big Kahuna pick. There will be frozen Tudra in Dallas the next time I pick those losers. I've picked them twice, they bombed both times. Now I remember why I hate them. Luckily the Eagles will exact my revenge by stealing the division away from them.

BIG KAHUNA PICK. Ok, so this is turning into an exercise in futility. I win. I lose. I win. I lose. I have proven that I suck almost as bad as ESPN's Hammerin' Hank, yet ESPN refuses to even return my phone calls regarding taking his place. I explained to the secretary that they will not only save salary by replacing Hank with me, but that I would also require much less per diem (bar tab). Soon they will see the folly of their ways. I just know it.

One pick just reaches out and busts me in the nose. The Cardinals are a 10 point underdog at San Francisco. While it is true that the Cardinals are just about the most pathetic road team in the history of the NFL, the 'Niners have shown that they suck equally as much as the Cardinals. A 10 point spread between two teams that suck really bad? I'll take the team that sucks really bad plus the 10 points. CARDINALS +10


10) COWBOYS: Well the party in big D is over. This team has less consistency than I do after eating 5 pounds of grapes with an Ex Lax chaser.

9) PACKERS: Now the NFC North is turning into the division nobody wants to win. Ahman Green's back is nearly broken from carrying the team the last month. Luckily for the Packers the.......

8) VIKINGS: .....also seem to have no interest in winning the crown. Maybe the Bears can get back in this thing. They seem interested in winning after spending the first month as the worst team in the league. The Vikings had about a thousand yards of offense against the Rams and still lost by 4 touchdowns. Sad.

7) GIANTS: What we have here is a team that has just quit. I hear a lot of "football pundits" talk about how great Jim Fassel is, and how he got the G-men to a Super Bowl and all that. But he certainly isn't inspiring anything in his team right now except the urge to lay down. These guys ought to all give back their paychecks. I'm surprised they aren't arrested for loitering on the football field.

6) CARDINALS: Even the triumphant return of Emmitt Smith (-3 yds) could not stave off another embarrassing road loss. Tell me again why the residents of Tempe are paying for a new stadium? Why would they go there?

5) BENGALS: Ok, old habits die hard. I know the Bengals are one of the hottest teams in the league right now. And to tell you the truth I am rooting for them all the way. But they are tied with the Ravens. They play the Ravens this weekend and in an unbelievable scenario this is the game of the week. But regardless of how this one turns out, the Bengals December schedule includes a roadie at St. Louis , while the Ravens schedule is softer than Phil Mickelson's man boobs.

4) REDSKINS: Nothing in the NFL is more gratifying than the weekly torture this team submits owner Dan Snyder to. Did you hear about how on Sunday Night Football in Miami a couple of weeks ago it was Danny boy's birthday? And when the 'Skins jumped up to a lead, his minions wheeled a big birthday cake into Snyder's box. And then his whole birthday got shot to hell when the Dolphins came back to win the game. All the money Snyder wastes on stupid decisions couldn't buy the kind of happiness that brought me. Priceless.

3) 49ers: Yeah, it's a good thing they got rid of that moron Mariucci. It turns out he was the problem all along. Note to 'Niners: When you fire somebody, always make sure and hire somebody better to take his place. Not worse. Better. Of course the fact that Garcia has gone "Kurt Warner" on them doesn't help either.

2) BUCCANEERS: I saw a preview of the Warren Sapp interview Sunday morning where they said, "Warren Sapp breaks his silence on the state of the league". Breaks his silence? The man hasn't shut up since the Reagan administration. Gruden will be wishing he had all those draft picks the Buc's gave up to get him, because it looks like this engine needs a complete rebuild.

1) RAIDERS: Bill Callahan proclaimed the Raiders the dumbest team in America. And who is to argue. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. But then. Callahan can see the writing on the wall. He is just the figure head of the puppet regime. He know someone has to pay for the sins of this team, and knowing Al Davis it will probably start with Callahan. The coach might as well take the team down with him. Way to go Bill. That's the old Raider spirit!!