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Commentary From the Edge
By Kevin Ratterree
December 16, 2003
  We got him. Sunday certainly was a great day to be an American. First to wake up to the news that the evil one had been captured, and the rest of the day to be able to watch NFL football in the land of the free. A great day indeed.

And what a disgrace Saddam was in his shining moment. Looking like an uglier, fatter, dirtier Ted Kyszinski, Saddam was dragged out of his little rat hole where he spent his last free hours cowering in fear. The formerly "charismatic" feared Butcher of Bagdad spent Sunday morning getting his beard checked for livestock. Maybe they were looking for the weapons of mass destruction in that nasty wad of face fur.

I must say I'm quite surprised that Saddam went down that way. I had him figured as a martyr who would surely force his would be conquerors to kill him before allowing himself to be captured. Hell, even Hitler had the decency to suck on the lead lollipop. Instead Saddam gave himself up like a stray dog, whimpering and shaking, and started singing like a canary about the whereabouts of his minions. Just as you might suspect. A coward at heart. He is a disgrace to evil dictators everywhere.

But what will become of the s.o.b. now? We will put him on trial, and stick him in a cell for the rest of his life. We'll give him 3 squares a day and pay for that piece of crap to get medical attention. Knowing all the while that there are people would think nothing of killing those guarding Saddam in an attempt to free him. No good I say.

They need to soak all the information they can from him using electro-shock concentrated in the groin area. Then somebody needs to pull a Jack Ruby on him. Then again, maybe a quick and painless death is no good either. He should suffer.

I've thought long and hard about this and I've decided any of the following punishments would be suitable for the senseless brutality and genocide Saddam is guilty of:

* We could put him in a room with music from the Backstreet Boys playing full blast 24 hours a day.

* We could put him in a cage death match with Mike Tyson and let Tyson bite pieces off 'til he finally bleeds to death. ( pay per view of course to recoup the cost of the war effort.)

* Chop off his hands, strap him in a chair, and make him watch porn 24 hours a day.

* Give him season tickets for the Lions, end zone top row.

* Start a new reality show, "Who wants to marry a grubby looking cowardly evil dictator."

* Dye his hair blond and force him to marry O.J.

* Dress him up as a child and send him to Michael Jackson's house.

* Do drastic plastic surgery to make him look like Steve Bartman, then send him to Wrigley to taunt Cub fans.

* Give him a job working for George Steinbrenner.

* Make him coach the Arizona Cardinals.

* Daily proctology exams performed by a doctor with Turrets.

* McDonalds three times a day seven days a week.

* Appoint him as Geraldo's personal assistant.

* Have him serve as John Madden's bathroom attendant and pedicurist.

* Force him for the rest of his life to wear a virtual reality mask starring a naked and very horny Carrot Top.

MISERY INDEX

10) Ravens: Just when it looked like they were in the same Superbowl run mode they got into a few years ago, the Raven's quoth, "Never more". The men in purple pulled a David Copperfield type illusion, making it appear as if Rick Mirer was an efficient NFL quarterback, and somehow created the mirage that Oakland's defense was capable of holding a team to under 500 yards in offense. Everybody in Cincinnati should chip in and send Al Davis and Bill Callahan a matching set of Santa style jump suits for Christmas.

9) Seahawks: Finally figured out how to play a good game of football on the road. Now if they can only figure out how to win one.

8) Giants: Everybody got worked up over Joe Horn's "hey! remember me?" cell phone call. Actually he was calling his old high school defensive teammates to tell them all to ditch their Jiffy Lube gigs and contact the Giants about a try out.

7) Redskins: I remember how smart I felt after drafting Laverneus Coles and he blew up the league for the first few weeks. Then I felt a little less smart when the rest of my fantasy team drug his dead ass into a low seed playoff spot. But now I have been reduced to total idiot after starting him yesterday in my playoff game, and he laid a giant goose egg. Fear not 'Skins fans. The pain is far reaching.

6) Lions: Matt Millen can't build a winning team, so now he has resorted to playground name calling toward teams that can. Back to the broadcast booth Matt.............on second thought, just go away.

5) Steelers: They built a new Wal Mart Supercenter in my neighborhood recently. With the nice stone tile entrance, television monitors, all the luxuries one would expect from a first class organization. They built the Taj Majal of discount shopping. And then supplied their customers with cheap shopping carts which the wheels are already worn out on, making shopping there a squeaky, wobbling, miserable experience. Check that. A more miserable experience than one would usually expect shopping in the cattledome. The Steelers remind me of Wal Mart. Pittsburgh built a Taj Majal called Heinz Field, and now are inflicting this team with wobbly wheels on the Pittsburgh faithful.

4) Mike Vick fantasy owners: He gave you all the confidence in the world to start him in your playoff game last weekend, and then was outperformed by the likes of Drew Brees, Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman and even Rick Mirer. You held on to Vick all year for this??

3) Vikings: In the middle of a 2-6 funk with Green Bay breathing down their necks, and the Chiefs coming to town next week. They managed to give Rex Grossman the idea that he can actually go through 60 minutes of football without having to wash his uniform after the game.

2) Bills: Ok, the jury is back and the verdict is in. Gregg Williams is to coaching what Homer Simpson is to nuclear technicians.

1) Mike Shanahan: One of the most hated men in all the fantasy football world after some would say needlessly running Portis 8 times in a row on the winning drive. Portis injured himself inside the 5 yard line where I dare say Elam is automatic, especially with the wind at his back. If Portis can't play next week, or plays at a lower level due to the injury, I'd imagine Shanahan will endure legendary hatred from some Super Bowl losing fantasy owners for years to come. Especially after he spends all this week trying to make all of you guess if Portis will play or not. Ya gotta' love the Rat!!