got him. Sunday certainly was a great day to be an American.
First to wake up to the news that the evil one had been
captured, and the rest of the day to be able to watch NFL
football in the land of the free. A great day indeed.
And what a disgrace Saddam was in his shining moment.
Looking like an uglier, fatter, dirtier Ted Kyszinski,
Saddam was dragged out of his little rat hole where he
spent his last free hours cowering in fear. The formerly "charismatic" feared
Butcher of Bagdad spent Sunday morning getting his beard
checked for livestock. Maybe they were looking for the
weapons of mass destruction in that nasty wad of face
I must say I'm quite surprised that Saddam went down
that way. I had him figured as a martyr who would surely
force his would be conquerors to kill him before allowing
himself to be captured. Hell, even Hitler had the decency
to suck on the lead lollipop. Instead Saddam gave himself
up like a stray dog, whimpering and shaking, and started
singing like a canary about the whereabouts of his minions.
Just as you might suspect. A coward at heart. He is a
disgrace to evil dictators everywhere.
But what will become of the s.o.b. now? We will put
him on trial, and stick him in a cell for the rest of
his life. We'll give him 3 squares a day and pay for
that piece of crap to get medical attention. Knowing
all the while that there are people would think nothing
of killing those guarding Saddam in an attempt to free
him. No good I say.
They need to soak all the information they can from
him using electro-shock concentrated in the groin area.
Then somebody needs to pull a Jack Ruby on him. Then
again, maybe a quick and painless death is no good either.
He should suffer.
I've thought long and hard about this and I've decided
any of the following punishments would be suitable for
the senseless brutality and genocide Saddam is guilty
* We could put him in a room with music from the Backstreet
Boys playing full blast 24 hours a day.
* We could put him in a cage death match with Mike Tyson
and let Tyson bite pieces off 'til he finally bleeds
to death. ( pay per view of course to recoup the cost
of the war effort.)
* Chop off his hands, strap him in a chair, and make
him watch porn 24 hours a day.
* Give him season tickets for the Lions, end zone top
* Start a new reality show, "Who wants to marry
a grubby looking cowardly evil dictator."
* Dye his hair blond and force him to marry O.J.
* Dress him up as a child and send him to Michael Jackson's
* Do drastic plastic surgery to make him look like Steve
Bartman, then send him to Wrigley to taunt Cub fans.
* Give him a job working for George Steinbrenner.
* Make him coach the Arizona Cardinals.
* Daily proctology exams performed by a doctor with
* McDonalds three times a day seven days a week.
* Appoint him as Geraldo's personal assistant.
* Have him serve as John Madden's bathroom attendant
* Force him for the rest of his life to wear a virtual
reality mask starring a naked and very horny Carrot Top.
10) Ravens: Just when it looked like they were in the
same Superbowl run mode they got into a few years ago,
the Raven's quoth, "Never more". The men in
purple pulled a David Copperfield type illusion, making
it appear as if Rick Mirer was an efficient NFL quarterback,
and somehow created the mirage that Oakland's defense
was capable of holding a team to under 500 yards in offense.
Everybody in Cincinnati should chip in and send Al Davis
and Bill Callahan a matching set of Santa style jump
suits for Christmas.
9) Seahawks: Finally figured out how to play a good
game of football on the road. Now if they can only figure
out how to win one.
8) Giants: Everybody got worked up over Joe Horn's "hey!
remember me?" cell phone call. Actually he was calling
his old high school defensive teammates to tell them
all to ditch their Jiffy Lube gigs and contact the Giants
about a try out.
7) Redskins: I remember how smart I felt after drafting
Laverneus Coles and he blew up the league for the first
few weeks. Then I felt a little less smart when the rest
of my fantasy team drug his dead ass into a low seed
playoff spot. But now I have been reduced to total idiot
after starting him yesterday in my playoff game, and
he laid a giant goose egg. Fear not 'Skins fans. The
pain is far reaching.
6) Lions: Matt Millen can't build a winning team, so
now he has resorted to playground name calling toward
teams that can. Back to the broadcast booth Matt.............on
second thought, just go away.
5) Steelers: They built a new Wal Mart Supercenter in
my neighborhood recently. With the nice stone tile entrance,
television monitors, all the luxuries one would expect
from a first class organization. They built the Taj Majal
of discount shopping. And then supplied their customers
with cheap shopping carts which the wheels are already
worn out on, making shopping there a squeaky, wobbling,
miserable experience. Check that. A more miserable experience
than one would usually expect shopping in the cattledome.
The Steelers remind me of Wal Mart. Pittsburgh built
a Taj Majal called Heinz Field, and now are inflicting
this team with wobbly wheels on the Pittsburgh faithful.
4) Mike Vick fantasy owners: He gave you all the confidence
in the world to start him in your playoff game last weekend,
and then was outperformed by the likes of Drew Brees,
Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman and even Rick Mirer. You
held on to Vick all year for this??
3) Vikings: In the middle of a 2-6 funk with Green Bay
breathing down their necks, and the Chiefs coming to
town next week. They managed to give Rex Grossman the
idea that he can actually go through 60 minutes of football
without having to wash his uniform after the game.
2) Bills: Ok, the jury is back and the verdict is in.
Gregg Williams is to coaching what Homer Simpson is to
1) Mike Shanahan: One of the most hated men in all the
fantasy football world after some would say needlessly
running Portis 8 times in a row on the winning drive.
Portis injured himself inside the 5 yard line where I
dare say Elam is automatic, especially with the wind
at his back. If Portis can't play next week, or plays
at a lower level due to the injury, I'd imagine Shanahan
will endure legendary hatred from some Super Bowl losing
fantasy owners for years to come. Especially after he
spends all this week trying to make all of you guess
if Portis will play or not. Ya gotta' love the Rat!!