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Commentary From the Edge
Kevin Ratterree
September 14, 2004

As I sit here thinking about what I should talk about first in the new season a myriad of thoughts come to mind.  I could talk about Terrell Owens 3 TD performance which now has left no doubt in Owens mind about Donovan McNabb's sexual orientation.  I could talk about Mike Ditka on ESPN Countdown accidentally referring to Michael Irvin as "Deion".  (It really doesn't matter Iron Mike, insert "big mouth egotistical jive talker", they are all pretty similar)  Or I could go on and on about Baltimore's brutal 3 point effort at Cleveland, where the defense didn't even manage to bruise Jeff (oh God don't let them hit me again) Garcia.

But in my usual fashion, I will waste some column space whining.  Imagine my surprise when I turned on my beloved Sunday Ticket and discovered the fine folks at DirecTv have changed the rules on me.  It seems a strange time to find out, being as how they have my money already and there is nothing I can do about it.  They have apparently changed the service provided, no longer broadcasting the games my local network station carry.  Isn't that nice.  Let's see, even if it only 2 games a week that works out to about 1/7 less games for my money.  Hmmm.  They did not lower my rates by 1/7.  It may seem a small thing to you, but after many years on the Ticket, I am well versed at the one remote control on Sunday afternoons.  It will take me a whole season to get used to two remotes.  This has screwed up my whole routine on Sundays, and I'd like to invite the fine folks at DirecTv to plant their collective kissers on whichever of my cheeks they choose, two hours after I have stuffed myself on convenience store burrito's.

Keep on sticking it to us corporate America, we just can't get enough of your of hiney busting.

After week one is no time to rush to judgement, but I think we may have let Curtis Martin, Marshall Faulk, Isaac Bruce, and Quentin Griffin fall too far in our drafts.  Oops.  Always check their pulse before you chuck 'em in the ground.

In light on Quentin Griffin stepping into Mike Shanahan's system and blistering the Chiefs, Ron Dayne is already plotting to demand a trade to Denver at seasons end.  Sorry Ron, you have to have at least a trace of basic talent or it just won't work.

Speaking of running backs that suck, William Green realizing that Suggs injury could be just the break he needs promptly went out and ran 5 yards in 5 attempts to start the game.

Is this the year of the tight end?  Look at some of the nice numbers posted by tight ends not named Tony Gonzalez in week one.  I think the Gonzo pick in the third round may have not been such a great deal this year after all.  Ouch.

I watched the ESPN interview with Zach Thomas, where he was bashing Ricky Williams for being a dopehead.  He certainly didn't seem to think much of Ricky as a role model for the young kids, after Ricky chose weed over football.  Of course Thomas said all this out of a head the size of a basketball.  I wonder how it got that big?  Surely Zach never took any drugs of any kind.

While fans and players may hate Ricky Williams guts (for his inopportune timing at the very least), you have to somewhat admire a man who walks away from all that fame and money just to be a peaceful man traveling the world and sampling the chronic from exotic lands.  Of course, like most hayburners Ricky may have not thought this thing all the way through.  He owes the Dolphins way more money than he has, and the last time I checked they aren't exactly giving that herb away for free.  I see a problem here.  Ricky will be back, bank on it.  Far out man.

And then there was Sunday night football.  Always a treat in one way or another.  This week we were once again regaled with the meandering drollery of Pat Summerall.  It's a sad day in football when I am actually happy to hear Joe Theisman or Paul Maguire speak.  But I found out it was possible Sunday night.

Then we had the ever entertaining Bernie Kukar and staff wearing the black and white stripes in the Sunday night game.  It was a close call as to whether Summerall of Kukar came off as a bigger doddering old fool.  Kukar forgot to mark off a 5 yard penalty  right before the half.  The Chiefs tried a field goal, and then Trent Green had to remind the ref that he had not marked off the penalty.  There was also a missed clock signal that delayed the game.  I would imagine after the game Kukar probably spent an extra 2 hours at the stadium looking for his car keys, and then got lost on his way to the airport while all the while his left turn signal illuminated the Denver night.  Is this really the best we have Mr. Commissioner?  Bernie, it's called Assisted Living.  Check it out.


10) RAVENS:  The Ravens may recover from their embarrassing loss to Cleveland, but the crowd of people who confidently picked the Ravens in survivor pools shall be heard from never more.

9)  COWBOYS:  Maybe a stoned Quincy Carter wouldn't have been such a bad thing after all.

8)  CHIEFS:  Vermeil talked Gunther Cunningham into coming back to Kansas City as defensive coordinator to bring back K.C.'s past defensive glory .  Unfortunately he couldn't talk Derrick Thomas into coming back from the afterlife.

7)  RAIDERS:  Made a very happy man out of the one guy out there still convinced that Jerome Bettis has something left in the tank.

6)  BEARS:  The Bears proved that there is one team in the NFL bad enough to lose to the Lions at home.

5)  GIANTS:  Note to the Giants front office:  If you go to the next state over there is a place called Atlantic City.  If you like to wager millions of dollars on a longshot (Kurt Warner) at least you have a fighting chance over there.

4)  RAMS:  Had a very tough time squeaking out a home victory against the talent challenged Cardinals team.  Looks like an 8-8 season at best......if they can keep their turnovers down to 8-10 a game.

3)  49ers:  Attention Bay area fans:  It is going to be just as bad as you imagined, possibly much worse.

2)  BUCCANEERS:  This is what it looks like when the window of opportunity slams completely shut and you lose the best players in the league Keyshawn and Warren Sapp.  You don't believe me?  Ask them, they'll tell you.

1)  DOLPHINS:  Wannstedt's yanking of Fiedler reeks of desperation.  I feel your quarterback pain though Dave.  It's like, ok do I blow my brains out with a gun or hang myself.  Tough call.  Same result.  Put the house up for sale now while hurricane victims are fresh on the market.

Early morning addendum: Yes, I know Testaverde was not the reason the Cowboys lost, and yes, technically the Giants are already in Jersey.  Please do not correct me, I have a wife for that purpose.