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FANTASY FOOTBALL WEEKLY FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge
Kevin Ratterree
September 21, 2004

Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw are driving down the road in a convertible.  The wind in their....... well, his hair.  Fighting over which radio station to listen to on the satellite.  Bradshaw wants to listen to the Steelers game, Howie wants to listen to the Raiders game.  Yes, this is a commercial for a major electronics chain that used to harass you for your phone number when you went in to buy a battery.  And we are supposed to make the leap in our minds that somehow Howie and Terry are not in the studio in Los Angeles on a Sunday afternoon during the Raiders and Steelers games, but cruising down the highway with the lid down.  It just doesn't work for me. 

I would like to thank Monday Night Football for finally giving us a sideline reporter that can speak clear English, and seems to have a clue what she is talking about.  Oh, I know she doesn't have the ta ta's, but I have found that there are plenty of those practically everywhere you look, and are not an absolute necessity to enjoy a fine football game.

Have you noticed Randy Moss always looks like he just found out his car was repossessed.  Oh the life of a millionaire.

Brian Westbrook is just a nice, nice football player.  I wish I had been able to draft him on all my teams.

Deion is already leading the league in self promotion.  ZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz

The Chiefs are going to give opposing teams punters plenty of bench time this year.

Giving up all your precious blind bidding bucks on David Terrell must feel like a first intimate encounter with the opposite sex where you, uh have premature enjoyment and are still left wondering what it's like to really get in the game. 

Mike Vick said in an interview with Terry Bradshaw that he liked Rap better that Rock, and that he liked Gospel better that Rap.  Hmmm.  Yeah.  I can just see it in my mind.  Vick, tooling down the road in his Escalade.  Glovebox full of Gospel CD's.  "The Old Rugged Cross" at 2500 watts blasting out.......... 

I enjoy to play the survivor games now offered on football websites.  Every year I think I am that brilliant dude that can bring home the big money. Every year I'm out by week 4.  My strategy for this season was simple.  Pick the team most likely to go 0-6 and ride their opponents like a pony.  I picked the Giants as that most horrible of teams.  Kurt Warner?  Eil Manning, a rookie?  Tom (football Nazi) Coughlin?  A 9 game losing streak?   It was like taking candy from a baby as far as I was concerned.  I mean, the Redskins would have to fumble the ball 6 or 7 times for the Giants to have a prayer.  Yeah, I'm one brilliant dude alright.

I would like to thank the great Don Henley for coming to my hometown for a concert last Sunday night.  Oh, at first I was a bit distressed that I would have to actually miss an NFL game to take in the show.  But when I got home and turned on the TV set, and caught the last 5 seconds of the game, and the last 5 seconds of Pat Summeralls commentary, I realized everything happens for a reason and all was right with the world.

As game time was approaching Sunday I was feeling brave and a bit duty bound to at least check out the revamped CBS pregame show. At the moment I flipped the channel they were running a semi-amusing bit featuring headshots of NFL players superimposed on animated bodies. Ok, I thought. At least they are trying to do something entertaining.  A little something for the school age kids.  After the bit was over they went back to the real talking heads in the studio to promo the upcoming segment starring none other than Dr. Phil. I don't know exactly what the CBS thinking is here. Maybe it was strictly a shameless cross promotion ploy. Maybe they just had extra time to fill. Or maybe the people in charge of the show should get off crack long enough to realize that men do not want under any circumstances have Dr. Phil show up on their TV set , especially on our holiest of days. CBS. Number 3 and staying there.

WEEK TWO MISERY INDEX

10) TEXANS:  The bad news is that the easiest part of their schedule is probably over.  The good news is that they will go up against the Chiefs this week and if you are a Dominick Davis owner you can go ahead and chalk up that victory now.

9)  CHARGERS:  Somebody show some mercy and put the pillow over Schottenheimers face and hold it there already. 

8)  CHIEFS:  The defense spent another Sunday doing their dead on impersonation of pinball bumpers.  Gunther Cunningham was brought in to fix the defense, but apparently the team failed to show up the day Cunningham covered the importance of actually tackling the runner when you come in contact with him.  And the offense which was supposed to be their strength is also flailing, keeping the "defense" on the field for the majority of the game.  I wonder if they have heard Keenan Mcardell is available.  It might be a good idea to have at least one viable NFL receiver on your team if you plan to have a winning record.  Of course the off season would have been a better time to consider this.

7)  BILLS:  After a heartbreaking loss in week one, and a dismal performance in week two, I'm seriously rethinking my decision to rely on Eric Moulds as a #1 receiver on one of my fantasy teams.  All Bledsoe needs is 30 seconds in the pocket and a wideout 20 yards in the clear.   This is going to be brutal.

6)  PACKERS:  The Pack looked unbeatable in week one against Carolina, then laid a giant brown egg against the Bears, thinning the field of every survivor contest was their only notable accomplishment of the day.

5)  REDSKINS:  'Skins fans were already gearing up for the Superbowl after week one, then the offense spent Sunday playing hot potato with the pigskin.  They accomplished a near impossible feat of making Kurt Warner resemble the guy who was a Superbowl MVP a few years back instead of the Ryan Leaf clone we had become accustomed to, and will likely see again next Sunday.

4)  CARDINALS:  Have played 2 somewhat respectable games in a row yet still start out the traditional 0-2.  Cardinals fans should take heart and realize that it will take Denny Green quite a while to undo the damage that cheeseburger huffing owner Bill Bidwell has done the franchise for the last 30 years.

3)  RAMS:  Some thought it odd that the St. Louis fans boo'ed the team after a victory in week one.  Nope, they knew what was coming.  Just practicing.

2)  BUCCANEERS:  This team has the potential to make Tampa fans look back fondly on those late seventies teams.

1)  DOLPHINS:  The hurricanes have been brutal, but this disaster is going to last another 15 weeks.