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FANTASY FOOTBALL WEEKLY FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge
Kevin Ratterree
September 28, 2004

In the preseason, I told you all not to draft Thomas Jones.  I was wrong.  I also told you not to draft Kurt Warner.  Wrong again.  I told you not to draft Mike Vick.  But in one of my keeper leagues I found myself at the end of the 3rd round doing just that.  I also managed to get Favre as a back-up on that team.  But there was no way last Sunday I was going to bench Vick against the lowly Cardinals for Favre.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.    

Was Kurt Warner just setting us all up for the comeback of the miracle man gone wrong?  Or is there divine intervention at work?  I mean the man hangs pretty tight with God.  I guess you should never count him out.  I'm still not buying it yet, but I am considering renting it.

In case you were wondering, after week 3 is the perfect time to start panicking if your fantasy teams aren't living up to expectation.  And if your favorite NFL team is without victory you can stop panicking and go right into depression.  If your fantasy teams and your favorite NFL teams all suck, at least you can take heart in the fact that at least you are not a Chiefs fan.  Except of course if you are a Chiefs fan in which case I suggest you start drinking heavily, but please remove all firearms and ammunition from the premises and do your drinking on the floor level of the building.

Rodney Harrison received yet another fine from the league last week.  $7500 bringing his career total of over $300,000 in fines.  I have some real clear opinions of Rodney Harrison and though it's not in my nature I've decided to share them with you. 

It's one thing if you are just not very talented and you need to rely on being a thug to stay in the league (Bill Romanowski).  But when you have real talent and add in the dirty play just for personal kicks, then you are a truly sick individual.  And I don't mean sick in the way Jim Rome and his clones have morphed the word.  I mean sick like Michael Jackson sick.    If I ever see Harrison involved in a gruesome injury, the kind where body parts are pointing a different direction than they are supposed to, I will not look away.  I will record it and play it over and over again.  Sick minds inspire sick deeds. 

My condolences to those of you on the wrong end of the Peyton Manning / Javon Walker slaughter. 

Of course while Walker had a banner day he also had a completion in the crucial late drive ripped from his arms, along with any hopes for a Packer comeback.  Interesting day.  Kind of like meeting an unbelievably hot chick, she takes you up to her hotel room and wears you out, then she takes off with your wallet when you go to the john.

How about Quentin Griffin.  A week ago he is on top of the world, ripping up defenses, and making fantasy drafters who took him very very happy.  After his 6th fumble of the season early Sunday afternoon Shanahan decided he had seen enough and Griffin went back to riding the pine.  A dejected fumbler, on the bench just like every dejected fumbler before him. 

The lesson to learn here is no matter how well things seem to be going, no matter what, always hang onto those balls.

I finally got sick of listening to Al Michaels Monday night so I switched over to the radio broadcast just in time to hear the announcer call a touchdown catch to Joey Galloway.  That would have been quite a feat considering Galloway is no longer on the team this season.  Ok, back to Michaels.  Sigh.  

As I watched Sunday Night Football, wondering what it would be like to kiss Suzy Kolber, a thought kept running through my mind.  Once something is pickled, you can never really un-pickle it.  Mike Patrick, please get out of that hospital bed and back in the booth.  The heck with your health and well being, there are millions of us out here suffering.

Speaking of suffering............

MISERY INDEX

PACKERS:  When an NFL team gives up 329 yards of offense in a game, that is not so good.  When a team gives up 329 yards in the first half, the defense consider refunding the management one weeks pay.

CARDINALS:   The official hard luck team of the NFL.  Three close games and three losses.  It seems their only purpose is to leave anxious fantasy leaguers with matchups against them as depressed as Cardinal fans themselves.

BUCCANEERS:  Suddenly Chuckie isn't such a genius head coach after all.  With no offensive talent, fading defensive talent, and without the other teams playbook, he's just another squinty eyed dork in a girlie visor.

TITANS:  Let's take stock after week 3 Titan fans.  You are 1-2.  You have already lost to your division rival.  And your quarterback is already about to start his 13 weeks being listed Questionable, only to hobble onto the field and gut out another one in pain.  Prediction:  The Titans finish 9-7 after McNair throws a game winning TD pass from a stretcher in the season finale, but you still miss the playoffs because of the 2 regular season losses to the Jags.

49ers:  Everybody made a big deal out of the 'Niners first shutout since 1977.  That is astounding.  But the bigger picture is that they are likely the worst team in the worst division in all of football, and look to be at least 3 years away from contention........at best.  But at least T.O. isn't stirring up a stink every other week, he's just helping the Eagles to another Championship game. 

CHARGERS:   Drew Brees is a free agent at the end of the season.  Of course it's hard to truly judge talent when a QB spends most of his career running for his life, and the rest of it squashed like a bug.  On the other hand it is easy to judge a head coach well beyond his prime.  Blow 'em up and start over.

BROWNS:   The Butch Davis experiment is turning out badly, as is the washed up quarterback experiment, the injury prone running back experiment, the wide receiver staff full of third string quality players experiment.  Blow 'em up and start over.

DOLPHINS:   At this point the only thing Miami can look forward to is the joy of causing Ricky Williams to file bankruptcy and force him to resort to smoking ditchweed instead of the fine Sensi-ganja he has become accustomed to.

RAMS:  Too much ego in the form of Mike Martz.  Too many players showing too little smarts.  Too many plays being called by throwing darts.  Torry Holt in a tutu made me want to turn my TV into parts.  This season will break all the Rams fans hearts.

CHIEFS:  Chiefs fans need to grasp reality right now if they already haven't.  A trip to the playoffs for the Chiefs after their 0-3 start is about as likely to happen as a week going by without Vermiel crying.  No happy tears this year.