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FANTASY FOOTBALL WEEKLY FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge
Kevin Ratterree
October 12, 2004

A few weeks ago I saw Terry Bradshaw on The Jimmy Kimmel Show as a a guest and I noticed something I found a bit odd.  As he sat there on the couch next to the other guest, a young Hollywood male actor, Bradshaw touched this actors leg several times during the conversation.  I didn't think much about it at the time.  Some people are just particularly touchy feely, so I figured the "good old boy" Bradshaw was just one of those types.

Then on the Fox pre-game show last Sunday the whole opening of the show was filled with disturbing man love conversation leading to Howie Long telling about how that morning at the studio showers, he noticed there were candles lit all over the place.  He then proceeded to tell how Bradshaw appeared and turned the light out, telling Howie "Here, try it like this." 

Later in the show Bradshaw in reference to apologizing for the 10th time about calling Tom Coughlin a "jerk", the 4 time Super Bowl Champion admitted, "I want to be disciplined.  I need a firm hand on me."

At that point I began to feel queasy, and used the remote to inflict some Michael Irvin pain on myself for awhile instead.  Fox, that Queer Eye For the Straight Guy thing has been done to death.  We don't need your version. 

After my queasiness passed, I turned it back to Fox because I just had to see Terrell Owens one more time in that crazy get up he was wearing.  A dress shirt untucked with a sweater and funky white big soled shoes.  He reminded me of one of the Cosby kids.  But, I must admit it was refreshing to see an NFL star receiver on television not dressed like a pimp.  And in addition to that, T.O. managed to make it through the whole show without saying something incredibly stupid.  Very nice Terrell.

Let me just say this.  The number of waiver wire wonders gone wild is mind boggling.  Ok, so you were desperate last week and hung a prayer on some guy named Mewelde Moore you had never heard of before.  Ka ching.  182 yards from scrimmage.  What the hell is going on here?  I'm still hanging onto Michael Bennett meanwhile the 6th stringer is ripping off Marshall Faulk numbers.  There is something unfair about this game, I haven't quite figured out how to beat the system yet.  I just have to keep reminding myself.......it's a long season, remain calm.  Let the fools enjoy their early success for revenge shall be mine!  At least, that is what I am telling myself as I cling to the bottom rung of playoff contention territory.  It's the struggle that makes it all worthwhile.

Free agency is great.  Neither the Bills or Peerless Price have been the same since he walked.

Ricky's sniffing but the only thing Miami wants from ganja man about now is his head on a stick.  Oh yeah, and the 8 mil.

Reuben Droughns was the top running back on Sunday.  Well, that just about sums that up.  Next week Shanahan will sign and start Regis Philbin and see if he can squeeze a buck and a half out of that old geezer. 

It seems every season is even more stunning than the one before.  Either that or I am just getting dumber.  The Lions? The New York Giants?  The freaking Chargers?  You think you are going to beat the sports book in this environment?  Tough game at the moment.  Save your money for War Bonds.  Invest in America.

If you drafted Tiki Barber in the 4th round or so, maybe were you a little depressed at that moment thinking you would have to rely on this "has been".  Pretty sweet deal I'd have to say.   Especially if you went Wide Receiver with Terrell Owens in the 2nd round instead of Fred Taylor.  That's why we play the game.

Hats off to Jake Plummer for wearing the Tillman sticker, thereby telling the league office to stick it as well.  Jake, THAT is an investment in America.

Misery Index

10) SEAHAWKS:  That was a tough one for the 'Hawks.  Here are two problems I see.  Holmgren should learn never remove your foot from their throats until you hear that last gurgle or you actually hear the larynx crack.  Koren Robinson should stop spraying himself with Football Repellant before every game.

9) BUCCANEERS:  Ok, so they beat the Saints.....barely.  Brian Griese to the rescue??!!  But to me the greatest thing about the Buc's game was the fact that it was played indoors and I didn't have to see Gruden sporting his girlie visor.

8) PANTHERS:  Panther fans need to get together and file a class action suit for whiplash.

7) SAINTS:  This team sure could be good if they could only start playing above a junior high school level of concentration and mistakes.  I've found a great thing to do though, just play Benny Hill music during the Saints game.  Now that's entertainment.

6) CARDINALS:  The offense finally found a team they could beat up on, and the defense decided to take the second half off.  Denny Green keeps his bank statement taped to the bottom of his clipboard, which he refers to every time he wonders why the hell he came back.

5) 49ers:  I have to tell you I thought this team had a real shot at running the table this year.  Luckily they did beat the one team they actually had a chance of beating.  Unfortunately losing Julian Peterson for the year helps assure a lengthy stay in the misery index.

4) PACKERS:  The defense gave up ground.  The offense gave up the ball.  The team gave up a record number of points.  The fans just plain gave up. 

3)  REDSKINS:  There is something strange happening here.  Daniel Snyder, after leading the NFL corporate elite in stupefying blunders his first few years, actually put some good pieces in place this year.  It looked for all the world like the Redskins were finally going to get off the canvas.  But alas, no.  Is it possible that the football Gods themselves have taken a dislike to Mr. Snyder?  Maybe everything gridiron he touches just magically turns to crap.  Very strange indeed.  Yet somehow gratifying deep down.

2) BILLS:  You know those teams that are always in close games, and somehow they always find a way to win?  The Patriots come to mind.  The Bills are that teams evil twin. 

1) DOLPHINS:  I'm very excited about this team.  They have the best chance of any team in recent history of running the table and going winless.  Wouldn't that be ironic if the only team with a perfect season also ended up having the only winless season?  Their biggest test to date comes this week with the only other winless team, Buffalo.  If the Dolphins can get past this Buffalo game, I think they have a real shot at achieving misery index glory.  But if not I'm sure we're all prepared to hop on the Bills bandwagon.