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FANTASY FOOTBALL WEEKLY FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge
Kevin Ratterree
October 26, 2004

Chris Berman congratulated Steve Young and Michael Irvin on their nomination to the Football Hall of Fame on ESPN Sunday Countdown.  I think it's safe to say neither will ever be nominated for the Broadcasting Hall of Fame.  Unless qualifications include continuous stammering and spitting while you talk.

Steve Largent allowed Jerry Rice to "un-retire" his number 80 for the Seattle Seahawks.  Quite an amazing act of selflessness considering Largent isn't even running for office this year.  The Fox pre-game crew blasted "whoever" asked Largent to commit such an act, as though it was a crime or something.  I'm sure Jimmy Johnson never expects special treatment just because of who he is or anything. 

I accidentally caught "Hammerin" Hank Goldberg's predictions on ESPN Sunday morning.  It seems the Hammer was already below .500 for the season coming into week 7.  His picks this week went 1-3-1.  Gamblers, don't waste your money on expensive handicapping books, or 800 number ripoffs.  I have a system here that will cost you nothing more than having to look at Goldberg's ugly mug for a few minutes every Sunday morning.  So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, while we never even know we have the key.

T.O. has B.O.  That's some clever stuff there.  You tend to work up some good B.O. when you are catching long touchdown passes all day.  I really like it when T.O. tore those signs down in Cleveland.  I liked the sit up routine too, but when you get up around eight or nine it just gives the opponents to much time to think about coming over and cracking your skull.  Tearing down signs only brings the danger of receiving a beer shower from the artist.

Yep, I finally benched Chad Johnson this week.  I never miss an opportunity to look like an ass.

You know what I love about performance league scoring with one point per reception?  Your guy can catch a pass and get thrown for a loss of a yard and still net .9 points.  That's sweet.

I'm not much of a baseball fan, but I certainly am interested to see whether Boston burns this weekend in celebration or in anger.  I just don't understand the whole burn down the city thing.  That's like coming home and telling the wife you got promoted with a huge raise, and she gets so excited she runs outside and torches the neighbors house.     

When the Jets went for a 4th and 1 on their own 24 yard line during the New England game I have to admit that took real guts.  But what really takes guts is trusting the officials to give you a good spot.  Double jeopardy to say the least.  Luckily Pennington was stuffed behind the line so it was a non issue.  Herm Edwards showed he has big stones though.

Dear DirecTV:  You suck.  I complained after week one about the blacked out games and came to realize that since local channels are now available (for an extra fee) in my local area, those games broadcast on the local stations are blacked out on the Sunday Ticket package.  So, I am paying $170 for ALL the football games, but if I want to actually get all the games in digital I have to pay extra to get my crapola local channels.  Bend us over.  Fair enough I guess.  You hold all the chips. 

But I have also noticed that every week there is at least one game a week which is NOT being carried on my local channels and is blacked out anyway.  This weeks game I was ripped off from was the Jacksonville / Indianapolis game.  Not only did I really want to see it, but it turned out to be a great game (at least that's what I hear).  So I just have to say again, in case anyone was not paying attention, and let me be perfectly clear here.  DirecTV blows like a category 5 hurricane.  Greed once again rules the day in corporate America.  If Americans like it and want it corporate America will find a way to ruin it.  Way to go jerkwads.

MISERY INDEX

10)  SEAHAWKS:  If only Koren Robinson would let as many doobies slip through his fingers as he does passes.

9)  BRONCOS:  Getting jacked up by the Bungles on Monday Night Football is a feat rarely accomplished in the history of the league.  Expectations in Cincinnati were so low for this game the local newspaper headline read "please don't embarrass us".  Too bad no Denver columnists thought of that.  

8)  FALCONS:  When you go into a game with the top ranked run defense, and proceed to give up over 300 yards and 8 rushing touchdowns it might be considered a fluke.  The alternative would be that the Falcons 5-1 start was a fluke.

7)  SAINTS:  Mark it down.  The Saints proclaim they will win 10 games this year.  After allowing Kerry Collins 350 yards and 2 TD's I have to say I'm still a bit skeptical 

6)  COWBOYS:  The good news is that the Cowboys did not blow a game they should have won.  The bad news is they were never even in the game to have the opportunity to blow it as in weeks past.

5)  TITANS:  McNair's weekly poundings have finally rendered him useless, yet he is still apparently better than Volek even while on the sideline.  The only way the Titans season could be any worse is if Eddie George had stayed.

4)  PANTHERS:  The offensive line for this team cuts through defenses like a paper shredder cuts through sheet metal.

3)  BILLS:  This group of guys seems to be ill equipped to be an NFL team.  Maybe they should consider a career change.  Hey, I know.  They could open a bakery.  They already seem to be experts at turnovers.  Yeah, a bakery.  Bledsoe would of course have to be the master baker. 

2)  DOLPHINS:  Words cannot express my disappointment.  They threw away their chance at glory to be just another bad team.  Nobody remembers the 1-15 team or the 2-14 team.  I thought this bunch could finally debunk the whole "any given Sunday" thing but much like the Rams survivor pool victims. I was wrong.  Sigh.  

1)  RAMS:  Those poor little lambs just can't stand it when you take them out of their comfy barn and make them graze in the hot sun all day.  I heard that many of the Rams players received IV's even before the game started in Miami.  Very strange.  I would say that either there was valium in that IV solution or the Rams must have enjoyed some Miami nightlife Saturday night.  Possibly the most pathetic performance in the history of the NFL, yet thanks to the Seahawks continued ineptitude the Rams remain in first place which is a crime against logic.