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FANTASY FOOTBALL WEEKLY FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge
Kevin Ratterree
November 23, 2004

This weekend the NFL was overshadowed by the insanity of the NBA thugs. And we see again how a few misguided fans need to get some perspective.  Now if you want to take your chances and run on the football field and do a Tonya Harding job on Rodney Harrington I could see justification for that.  But in most other instances throwing objects on the field of play, or running around the park with your johnson flapping in the breeze, or baptizing the players with bodily fluids is just not acceptable. 

Now the NBA has set a dangerous precedent in professional sports.  Which is shocking considering how well the league has been run up to this point. (wink)  The sixth man is a drunken idiot.  The drunken idiot single handedly took down a team poised for a championship.  The NBA has unwittingly armed every sports fan everywhere with the knowledge that they can have a direct effect on the outcome of sports franchises.  Very dangerous in this 15 minutes of fame society we have become.

What is going on in the sports world?  We have Nascar drivers punching each other out and ramming their cars into each other.  Baseball players still have their little sissy fights.  Football players getting down with it before the game even starts.  I think the NBA just got pissed about all the other sports snatching the headlines.  They want their piece of the pie.  When they do it by God they trump everybody and just beat the living crap out of the fans. 

And the end result of all of this will be that the fans will be separated from the players by even more barriers.  Our viewing of the games we love will be compromised even further.  And we have the drunken idiot and the insane NBA players to blame for it.  A big "kiss myyy assss" to both groups involved.

We finally found out how far ahead the Colts had to be before the Manning touchdown machine was parked on the sideline, and we found out how far behind the Cowboys had to be for Parcells to appease his critics and throw Drew Henson in the fire.  Henson looked good.  Manning looked like a 16 year old on a playground full of 8 year olds. 

Eli looked about like a 10 year old, but he looks certain to make it to 16.

When Jerry Rice caught a touchdown pass he attempted a celebration strut, but I think he was so stunned to actually be in the end zone with a ball in his hands it didn't look natural.

I don't know what exactly he was talking about, but Mike Ditka said that Randy Moss "wouldn't be back this year...at least the Randy Moss the Vikings have become accustomed to".  He acted like he had some kind of inside injury information the rest of us do not know about.  That has to make you nervous if you are counting on Moss.  Or if you traded him right before you league trade deadline.  Then again Ditka could be totally full of crap. 

While I'm on the subject, in the next week or so I will review my preseason predictions to see just how full of crap I am. 

MISERY INDEX

10) SAINTS:  The road loss was an brutally ugly one but absolutely to be expected.  The most tragic thing about the Saints game though is that Donte Stallworth's bi-annual decent game will trick some poor fools into either wasting a roster spot on him or dusting him off and sticking him in the starting line-up.  I knew Stallworth would go off in this game.  I dropped him for Clarence Moore last week.  Regrets?  Not a chance.  By the way, word is that the ownership still thinks there is hope this season and will give Haslett some more time.  Unless Haslett can crawl inside Aaron Brooks head and wake up the squirrel in the cage, I'm thinking the axe drops with the 7th loss, which will come sooner than later. 

9) COWBOYS:  Parcells hair gets whiter.  Jerry Jones face gets tighter.  The best thing for this team would be a can of gas and a lighter.

8) BROWNS:  At the rate this team is suffering injuries they may end the season with a different player in every position than they started the season with.  The new owner has Butch Davis on the "one loss and you're out" hotseat.  As I stated several weeks back in the Misery Index, "Blow 'em up and start over".  That's exactly what the new ownership intends to do.  And the people of Cleveland stand and give thanks and there is much joy, as they join together in the yearly refrain of "next year".

7) RAMS:  Soft as a baby's bottom, and on the road they smell just as bad.  Against a team with a decent defense, and without a lid over their heads, this team sucks like a working girl at a truck drivers convention.  The Rams are an average team in the worst division in football, with a coach incapable of winning on the road.  Of course that could be said of the Seahawks as well. The winner of this division will get a 3 seed but deserve a 6 and probably gets jacked in the first round .

6) GIANTS:  If you held Tiki Barber past your leagues trade deadline expecting him to hold his lofty position in the world of fantasy football I have a sneaking feeling you may be as disappointed as Giants fans who thought the teams fast start was the first step on the path to the playoffs.  

5) REDSKINS:  Its a tough call whether Joe Gibbs or Bill Parcells feels the bigger jackass for coming back.  My money is on Gibbs.

4) LIONS:  Not only are they on a 4 game losing streak, but they will take their turn at getting blasted by the Manning Express on National TV this Thanksgiving day.  Too bad there won't be a football game on instead, we would have probably enjoyed that.  If you have Manning on your fantasy team this Thanksgiving should be a particularly joyous one.  Of course, any Thanksgiving we don't have to hear Madden go on and on about his damn TurDucken is indeed a day to be thankful for.

3) CARDINALS:  Shaun King huh?  Did Denny Green lose a bet or does King have incriminating photos?  If you understand this move please e-mail me, I would love to hear a logical explanation.  I have questioned Green's sanity before on many many occasions in the past, but almost every time he proves me wrong.  This one is a doozy though.

2) DOLPHINS:   I saw a clip of one of A.J. Feeleys teammates slapping him on the buttocks, and Feeley reaching for the area grimacing in pain.  Now he knows how Dolphins fans have been feeling since Ricky ran away to reefer land. 

1) 49ers:  The 49ers have only one thing more they can possibly screw up this year and that would be to win themselves out of the overall number one pick with a victory over the Dolphins this week.  This is the Toilet Bowl game of the year in the NFL, and I am just hoping upon hope it ends in a very appropriate 3-3 tie.  If you find yourself watching this game you may be sick beyond repair.