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FANTASY FOOTBALL WEEKLY FEATURES

Commentary From the Edge - Week 10
Kevin Ratterree
November 8, 2005

The season took an nasty twist for those brave fantasy owners who gambled on drafting Terrell Owens this year.  Owens was in limbo during most fantasy drafts and his stock dropped to the point where he was being taken late 2nd to 4th rounds.  But when the dust settled Owens took the field for week one and was turning out to be a legendary draft day steal for those who took a chance on him, until..........

Black Sunday.  After a week of Owens alleged injury drama, a typically moronic statement on national television, a forced and meaningless apology, a locker room brawl, and more of the usual Owens fare, the Eagles finally dropped the hammer.  Suspension.  Inactive.  Sent to his room with no supper.  Whatever.  That led to an impromptu vulture run to league waiver wires for Reggie Brown, and the realization by Owens owners that it was now too late to unload him.  That's why they call it gambling.

I am starting to wonder if Owens is actually a woman trapped in a man's body.  Think about it.  He is constantly bitching.  He is constantly getting his feelings hurt over some trivial comment.  He is always asking for money.  He never shuts up.  He never admits when he is wrong.  And people that spend a lot of time with him would gladly give up half of what they own just to get rid of him.  Sound familiar?

Kudos to the Eagles for finally sacking up and dumping the &%!#$.  I just have to wonder if they would have made the same decision were they not in last place in the division, with an injured quarterback, and a defense that can't hold it all together any more.

I don't feel the least bit sorry for the Eagles or the one out of six of you reading this that drafted Terrell Owens.  You knew what you were getting into.  Fantasy football is hard enough without hinging your hopes on a whack job.  But while you mourn your fantasy team and your entry fee, you can at least be satisfied in the knowledge that this is going to cost the Eagles (and Owens) a whole lot more than it will cost you.  I know, that helps a hell of a lot.

And I have a few words for Owens prospective new employers.  I like to compare this situation to seeing a beautiful blond, sunning herself on the beach.  She looks so good that you are immediately fixated on her.  She has a perfect face and body, barely concealed by the restraints of her flimsy bathing suit.  Points all her own sittin' way up high.  And you know in that moment that you must have her.  No matter her situation.  This is the most beautiful creature you have ever seen.  This is the one that can make your dreams come true.  An angel.  But always keep in mind, before you approach her that somewhere out there is a guy, and maybe many, that to this day refer to her as "that stupid %!$&#". 

Maybe some good will come of this though.  Michael Irvin placed himself smack dab in the middle of the Owens story, and from an outsider's viewpoint a case could be made that Irvin facilitated Owens wishes to help blow this thing up.  I have heard that there is much unhappiness with Irvin's puppy-like blind devotion to Owens during  this story from Irvin's cohorts.  Maybe we can sweep Irvin out the door while we are at it.  Ahhh.  Per chance to dream.

Back to your regularly scheduled football season:  Talk about sacking up, how about Dick Vermeil?  I was watching the Chiefs game Sunday, and I was right with the coach on his decision to go for the win instead of the tie.  If you can't punch the ball in from the 1/2 yard line in that situation, you probably aren't going anywhere this season anyway.  I would have respected Vermeil's decision just as much if the play had failed.  You play to win the game.  He probably knows deep down that this team isn't going to need any February travel plans, but he gave them a shot for a great moment they will always remember.

Knowing that your coach believes in you is a good thing.  Knowing that your players believe in you is everything.

Michael Vick has one good passing game, and now he says he doesn't want to hear any more about how he isn't a pocket passer.  Sorry Mike.  You might need to string together more than one good game before you start calling out.

Just when I thought I couldn't be a bigger Panthers bandwagoner, I find out their cheerleaders like to play touchy feely with each other.  And more importantly, they like to do it where anybody lurking in the nightlife might happen upon them.  The Panthers are all that and a daisy chain.

Terry Bradshaw stupid statement of the week:  "I guarantee you New England will win this game."

I can't sit back and be silent any more.  Those commercials with the computer generated animated face people are just plain freaky.  Please make them stop.

Crazy as Hell Pick of The Week:  More good news for my Crazy pick with yet another loss on the Patriots over the Colts.  That brings the season total to a stunning 1-4.  I couldn't be more proud.  Lots of you probably say," Big deal.  You only pick one game a week you moron.  Anybody can get one game wrong a week."  Okay.  Fair enough.  But let's get real here.  There are guys charging big bucks for picking one game for you, and I put my losing record up against anybody's in the business.  Professional gamblers make a living by staying over 55% on their picks.  Realistically, you need to hit between 57-60% to make money betting on football.  You bet against my pick in this column and you are running 80%.  What do ya want for nothin'?  Rubber Biscuit?  Bow bow bow.  On with the pick:  The Denver Broncos come off a bye week, rested and ready to head out to the Black Hole.  The Raiders come off a crushing last second loss to the Chiefs at Arrowhead.  The Bronco's have been rolling like a freight train.  After an opening day loss at Miami they are 6-1.  The running game is working, and Jake Plummer is pretending not to be Jake Plummer by uncharacteristically avoiding stupid mistakes.  The Raiders have been somewhat disappointing on the offensive side of the ball, and are like always, mistaking stupid mistakes.  The Broncos are 3 point favorites on the road.  But if Denver plays like they were before the bye week, this game shouldn't even be that close.  As of this moment the Broncos are among the leagues elite.  It's almost too easy, which makes me nervous, but I'm going there anyway.  Raiders +3.

MISERY INDEX

10) Patriots:  Peyton Manning must have felt like the vampire slayer, finally putting down the team that had sucked the life out of the Colts since the turn of the century.  He drove in the wood stake and drove it hard.  The passing of the torch has occurred.  But the torching of the Pats secondary looks like a weekly occurrence.

9) Buccaneers:  While Brian Griese certainly has his detractors, you have to admit that the team looks like a porta-potty tank without him.  I called the Redskins a fraud several weeks ago in this column.  Can I change my answer to the Buccaneers?

8) Saints:  While a match-up against the Bears may not exactly be the game of the century, I'm sure the players would have appreciated it if a few people other than their families would have showed up for the game.  It was so quiet in the stadium that you could almost hear the gears clanking in Aaron Brooks head.

7) Raiders:  They started to look like they were coming around, then Arrowhead.  The Oakland Raiders?  How about Oakland Chiefs Bitches.

6) Lions:  Slapped around at home by the Vikings.  That just about says it all.  Harrington is barely good enough to be a back-up quarterback in this league.  None of the receivers will ever live up to their hype.  Kevin Jones can't stay on the field.  The management is clueless.  The team is a disaster, just like always.  And just like always I'm already pissed about having to stomach yet another Thanksgiving football fiasco.  Stop the madness!!

5) Titans:  It seems I have slighted the Titans by excluding them from the misery index lately.  But make no mistake, the Titans are just as miserable as any team on this list and my sincerest apologies for not recognizing that during the previous weeks.  McNair went 18-41 passing, but considering the average age of his current receiving corps is 19 and his offensive line yells ole' with every snap, I guess those numbers aren't so bad.

4) Ravens:  The good news is that the starting quarterback will come back this week.  The bad news is their starting quarterback is Kyle Boller.  Watching the tortured Brian Billick's facial contortions on the sidelines this season is bringing me more joy than one man deserves in a lifetime.  Fortunately that is tempered by the fact that I was "conned" into drafting Jamal Lewis on one of my teams.

3) 49ers:  They accomplished something the Redskins could not last week, they scored on the Giants.  I am not happy about this as I started the Giants defense in a couple of leagues.  Is there anything you guys can't screw up?  Now they have a rodeo rider for their quarterback.  'Niners fans are hoping he might eventually lasso a win.

2) Texans:  They rode the Jaguars like a bull but they couldn't make it a full 8 seconds.  I'd like to move them past the Packers but I'm still upset over that win 2 weeks ago.  I'm getting real nervous about the staying power of this team in the misery index. They put up a pretty decent effort without Dom Davis last week and came dangerously close to winning again.  And who is this Andre Johnson guy that showed up in the box score this week anyway?

1) Packers:  As if Favre didn't have enough problems, last week his name was dragged into the Terrell Owens fiasco.  The discussion over whether the Eagles would have been undefeated with Favre under center was ludicrous.  I suppose along those lines with McNabb under center the Packers would have not racked up that one impressive win?  What a moronic discussion.  Who brought it up anyway?  Oh yeah, Michael Irvin.  Go figure.