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Commentary From the Edge - Week 17
Kevin Ratterree
December 24, 2007

The holidays and the turning of a new year are often thought of as a time of hope. And no franchise got a healthier dose of that this holiday season than the Miami Dolphins. The Tuna has landed.

Just when it looked like the Patriots were going to run amuck in the AFC East for eternity, there’s a new sheriff in town.

It won’t be easy. Parcells is starting with the worst team in the league this season, having fallen from a 9-5 season in ‘05, to a 6-10 disappointment last year, to a likely 1-15 disaster. The team is old and lacks direction. It needs a facelift. Parcells has a scalpel in his hand and buckets on the floor to catch the blood.

Of course, it never hurts to take on a new project when you have a first overall draft pick coming your way, and a fan base whose expectations have hit rock bottom.

My only question is how will the Tuna handle not being the head coach. Are we set up for another Al Davis type puppet regime? Has Parcells secretly cloned himself and waiting for the season to end so he can introduce the clone as the Dolphins new head coach?

It should be an interesting “off-season” in Miami. Bill is buying the groceries, but will he let someone else cook them?

I think Parcells wants one more giant feather in his already heavy hat. He’s aiming for his protégé’. Belichick must be stopped. And there may only be one man that can do it. (insert spaghetti western whistle)

Hey, did you hear that Roger Clemens says he didn’t do steroids or HGH? How very “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” that was. Well, I guess that settles that. Thanks for the Christmas present Roger. A big sack of crap with a sparkly bow. It’s just what we wanted.

In closing, there was plenty of misery to go around this football season. Injuries were devastating to lots of teams, real and fantasy. The overall level of play in the league took a serious hit in my eyes. And the dominance of just a handful of teams overshadowed a chasm of mediocrity that gripped the majority of the league.

Here’s hoping next season is a little kinder on the injury front, and fantasy football returns to the usual level of chaos we had come to accept as normal. I’m not sure I can survive another wild ride like this one.

My friends, the time has come. The final Misery Index is here. In theory the list could be 20 deep. But the reality is that I’m just not clever enough to come up with 20 blurbs a week. So if your team got left off, my deepest apologies.

This is the Christmas edition. For maximum enjoyment, all of these should be sung to the tune of the Christmas song they are patterned after.

Misery Index - Final

10) Bengals:

They’ll be home for Christmas
And January too
They’ll be home for Christmas
Or a police station near you

9) Browns:

Dashing your fans dreams - with your putrid play
Down the tubes they go, its the Cleveland way
Piss the game away, when it means the most
Now it seems the playoffs may disappear like a ghost
Oh, Bengals hell, Bengals hell, throw it all away
Oh what fun it is to throw prosperity away

8 ) 49ers:
Oh the rich quarterback was frightful
His replacement so delightful
Alex Smith never earned his dough
Let him go, let him go, let him go

7) Ravens:

Here comes tape n gauze, here comes tape n gauze
The X-Rays on it’s way
He’s got a break, and he’s got a sprain
More losses on their way

Players are aging, fans are raging
Nine straight L’s and no end in sight
So hang your stockings and say your prayers
Cause Billick can’t make this right

6) Chiefs:

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and ne’r brought to mind
Should Peterson and Edwards be shown, the unemployment line
For Peterson is fourteen deep, in a five year plan
And rabid cheers turned boo’s my dear, from the pissed off hometown fans

5) Raiders:

Oh the owner is so very spiteful, the costumed fans so frightful
But the victory total is low
Raiders blow, Raiders blow, Raiders blow

It doesn’t show signs of stopping, coverage and balls are dropping
Moss is headed to the Superbowl
Raiders blow Raiders blow Raiders blow

4) Rams:
The fans boo, are you listenin’, Sell their tix to whose visitin’
The sideline fight, Holt can’t stand his sight
F - bombing Coach Linehan

3) Jets:

Oh Mangini, Oh Mangini
Your team takes a beating
Your offense stinks, your defense too
I wonder what, Belichick would do
Oh Mangini, Oh Mangini
Please consider cheating

2) Falcons:

O little town of Atlanta
How still thee see the night
Amid your dreams of feasting
The Tuna wouldn’t bite

1) Dolphins:

Oh come all ye faithful, Parcells will be triumphant
Oh come ye oh come ye to Miami
Come and behold him… STOP! Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Even I can’t finish this. I don’t like where it’s going at all. Happy holidays and have a great New Year everybody! Thanks for a great season, hope to catch you next go ’round on big blue!

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