Monday Night Commentary
7:01 pm - Pregame honks talking about T.O. talking about McNabb after all these years. What is up with that T.O.? Guys that are still talking about their old girlfriend they broke up with 3 years ago are losers. And you aren’t even talking about an old girlfriend. You are talking about dudes. Dude.
7:05 - Keyshawn bangs on the desk and sings for the third time in this segment. I’m thinking I should concentrate on my meal and ask my wife how her day went. That ought to kill 25 minutes.
7:06 - Already regretting asking my wife how her day went. Ready for some more Keyshawn.
7:13 - Wife realizes I am only pretending to pay attention and goes upstairs, just in time for me to catch a shouting match between a stuttering Steve Young and a stammering Emmitt Smith. Wow, that is some great TV there.
7:13 - I decide to put these minutes to good use and finish the Misery Index so I can fully concentrate on the game.
7:36 - Got back in front of the TV just in time to hear Kornheiser’s soliloquy of the week. Man does my timing ever suck. Maybe that Misery Index could use one more tweak.
7:41 - Coin toss. Good move for Dallas to defer with that rabid crowd in the house. Bad move to kick it out of bounds and give it to the Eagles on the 40.
7:43 - Ten yard first down run for Westbrook. Ho hum.
7:45 - Camera flashes to Zach Thomas just as he blows a snot rocket. Those TV directors have such good timing.
7:47 - Field goal Eagles. No trouble moving the ball down the field. Looks like it is going to be a good one.
7:55 - Barber gets stuffed for the second time in two carries. Ruh roh.
7:55 - Barber stuffed on an underhanded toss. Eagles D looking tough.
7:57 - Scratch that. Touchdown bomb to Owens. They might not need Barber tonight.
8:09 - Eagles end another long drive with a field goal. Hmm, I thought about betting the over on this game, maybe I should have after all.
8:13 - Kickoff returned for touchdown by Felix Jones. Dallas up 14-6. Definitely wishing I had played that over now. Not feeling so good about my Eagles D play in my fantasy league. Owens makes a point to hug Jones on the sidelines so he can get some camera.
8:16 - Near decapitation of Westbrook with no facemask call. Oh boy, here we go…
8:20 - Another missed facemask call on Romo interception return. Maybe if one of the Cowboys actually rips the head off an Eagle we can get a call here.
8:25 - Westbrook touchdown. Really starting to hate myself for not playing that over now. But hey, I do have my health.
8:29 - Romo fumbles in end-zone recovered by the Eagles for a touchdown. Man am I ever a genius for playing that Eagles D.
8:30 - I go to the bathroom and throw up over not playing the over. There, got that out of my system.
8:41 - Touchdown Owens. 21-20 Dallas. Okay, this is just getting ridiculous now.
8:45 - Back from commercial break, Owens is still barking on the sidelines as assistants rush to dab spit of the affected players faces.
8:46 - Kornheiser sensing all his prep work is going to waste in the face of this offensive onslaught desperately tries to work some material in.
8:47 - Desean Jackson shuts Kornheiser up with a touchdown catch. No, wait a minute, the dingleberry dropped the ball before he hit the stripe. Eagles ball on the two. Kornheiser suddenly doesn’t seem like the dumbest guy in the stadium.
8:52 - Touchdown Westbrook. DeSean Jackson owners across the land fill their living rooms with words you can’t say on television or in football columns.
8:53 - Westy is getting his back worked on the trainers table. Westy owners across the land fill their living rooms with words you can’t say on television or in football columns.
8:56 - Jerry Jones got his popcorn ready, and the cameras show him eating it. Huh. How about that. Jerry Jones eats popcorn just like I do. We really probably aren’t all that different. Well, except I can still close my eyes all the way. But other than that…
8:57 - First punt of the night for the Cowboys. Jones wasted his popcorn on that?
9:13 - Field goal Eagles. Field goal? I thought we were past all that nonsense. 30-21 Eagles.
9:16 - Jerry Jones makes an appearance on the sidelines to remind his players that he wants them to win this game. They kick a field goal and we go to half Eagles 30-24. I hope I was imagining this, but I could have swore I saw a hickey on Romo’s neck. Oh please God tell me that is not a hickey. It is a good thing I threw up earlier.
9:17 - Halftime! I.V.s for everybody!!
9:33 - Cowboys come out running with Barber. Now he gashes them.
9:36 - Cowboys have to punt on 4th and 22. Oh wait a minute. Let me guess. Scoreless second half coming, right? Oh no, Kornheiser is getting his script back out.
9:43 - Eagles 3 and out. Wake me up when the game starts again.
9:45 - Kornheiser sounds like he is denouncing violence during a football game. Jaws reminds him that this is not tennis. Tony shuts up. Nice work Jaws.
9:52 - Touchdown Barber! Finally a score at 5:11 of the 3rd. Glad I didn’t bet the over in the second half. Dallas 31 Eagles 30.
10:00 - Hank Baskett drops an easy pass. I guess that is why nobody picked him up on waivers last week.
10:01 - Baskett makes a catch! Kornheiser makes a “biscuit in the basket” reference. Now he thinks we are playing hockey.
10:03 - Great camera angle shows T.O. trying to stare holes in McNabb from sideline, right before Donovan eludes the pass rush, completes a ridiculous shovel pass Westbrook, who is then face masked by a gassed Dallas defender. T.O., I think your evil eye might be on the fritz. Much like everything else in that region of your body.
10:08 - Another Westy TD. Man is that guy gold or what? 37-31 Eagles. Let me off this ride, I’m getting dizzy.
10:15 - Kornheiser finds a minute to go off on a tangent about how the Cowboys are the biggest franchise in all of America, blah, blah, blah. Then camera flashes to Jerry Jones in his suite. Jones is nervously tapping his leg, while his crony appears to be looking to Jones for a reaction to the syrupy slop Kornheiser is dishing out. Probably an odd mixture of pride and disgust I would imagine.
10:20 - Field goal Dallas, they now trail by only 3. The punters for both teams get dressed and go home. Jones nervously pacing, wondering if he should go back down to the sideline to remind his team that he wants them to win this game.
10:27 - McNabb tries to get too cute on a handoff to Westbrook and fumbles. Owens is sure that it was his evil eye that did the trick.
10:29 - Kornheiser, sensing the building drama proclaims this, the second game of the season, a must-win game for the Cowboys. Jaws hits him in the nose with a rolled up newspaper and barely suppresses the urge to give him the atomic wedgy.
10:33 - Touchdown Barber. 41-37 Dallas. The collective sigh of the Dallas faithful causes several cases of hyperventilation in the stadium. Luckily God is looking through the hole in the top like always and makes sure nobody passes out.
10:41 - McNabb comes up small on a pass too high for Westy on a 3rd down. Eagles have to punt and hope they can stop the beast.
10:44 - Barber is bottled up on two carries, and Romo barely misses a kill shot pass to Barber open in the flat. Cowboys have to give the ball back.
10:49 - Facemask on Cowboys moves the ball to the Eagles 48 at the two minute warning. Jerry Jones better get down there and remind his guys that he wants them to win. They might have forgot.
10:50 - McNabb ignores a big open running lane for and easy 7-8 yards and passes incomplete.
10:53 - McNabb takes a bad sack. Owens evil eye really taking over the game now.
10:54 - Hook and Ladder fails. McNabb comes up small in the end. Game over. I’m looking for T.O. to seek out McNabb for a hug. Nope, looks like Owens is headed for the cameras. Romo beats him to it though. Romo getting interviewed. I’m checking for that hickey I thought I saw earlier……..nope, I must have imagined that. Thank God.
And thank you Cowboys and Eagles for yet another instant Monday Night Football classic! How ’bout them Cowboys!
10) Raiders: Yeah, I know. You won. Rob Ryan told the world his team would whip some ass last week and I’ll be damned if they didn’t. Okay. Fair enough. Now go beat a real team and we can discuss getting you out of here.
9) Dolphins: There was absolutely nothing in their week 2 performance that suggested a major change from last season. But then, the good people of Miami probably weren’t expecting that old Tuna magic to start working just yet anyway. This list isn’t just about losers. It is also about expectations. 0-2 for the Dolphins is childs play compared to some of the teams that beat them out this week.
8 ) Chargers: These guys are really good. Right up until the last play of the game. Then, not so good. What’s worse is now they have to be Shanahan’s bitch, at least until the rematch.
7) Seahawks: Okay, I let the loss to the Bills on the road slide, but now you lose at home. To the 49ers? You let J.T. O’Sullivan pile up three bills on you? At home? I don’t care if you have Moe, Larry, and Curly lining up at wide receiver. You are supposed to whip that 49er ass at home. Let’s try this. You take the 49ers place in the Misery Index for a week and see how you like that. Probably about as much as I like to be made to look like an ass for having the nerve to bench Bryant Johnson against you sieves in helmets.
6) Jaguars: The Jags were a chic pick during the preseason. Well, so far they have looked like a giant pile of chic. Okay Jags, it’s been awhile since you have been here so let me tell you how this goes. You stop dropping those big brown eggs on Sundays and I’ll let you the cluck out of here.
5) Browns: Well, well. The preseason darlings back here in the cesspool. Somebody forgot to tell the schedule makers that the Browns were suppose to go places this year. This year’s list of opponents starts ugly, and it stays ugly. Last year’s romp through the easy schedule is now a fading memory, much like what Romeo Crennell experiences during what is supposed to be a two minute drill.
4) Vikings: Well, well. The other preseason darlings back here in the cesspool. Look, I could poke fun at all the people that predicted a Vikings Superbowl right about now, but instead I am going to offer some hope for Vikings fans and idiots like me that took flyers on Berrian or Rice. The Vikings aren’t going to let Tarvaris ruin their season. Either he will turn the ship quick, or the management will take action. I hear Jeff Garcia is available. That is exactly what they need. Zygi can you hear me? Can you feel me near you? Zygi can you feel me? Garcia will cheer you.
3) Chiefs: I don’t know what to say. You had maybe two or three games you could have won this year. And you just got toasted in one of them. Let me be perfectly blunt. When you lose to a wacky Al Davis team. A completely dysfunctional train wreck of an organization. A pathetic example of a once great franchise in ruins. When you get jacked up that hard at home to a team that bad? Friends, that isn’t a rebuilding project. That is a blighted housing project. A blighted housing project in between a rendering plant and a medical waste disposal facility.
2) Bengals: If the Chiefs are a blighted housing project, the Bengals would then be the maximum security prison across the street. Remember a couple of years ago when Carson Palmer was better than Kurt Warner and Eli Manning? Those were the days. Have you seen his stat-line for this season? 25/51/228 0tds 3 ints. Granted, he has faced two tough defenses, but that makes little difference to Carson Palmer owners who are about ready to arm themselves and climb that prison tower.
1) Rams: I have a real dilemma here. Any of these three teams at the bottom are worthy of the coveted number one spot. Just enormous piles of crap all three of them. But when I weigh all the pros and cons, (no wait a minute, that’s the Bengals) I just think the Rams look more like a bigger, steamier, more nauseating pile than the other two. I guess what I am trying to say is that the Rams are the malfunctioning water waste treatment facility that completes the nasty neighborhood on the bad side of town.