I have never felt more trivial about sitting down and writing a column about fantasy football than I do right now. As the financial world crashes down upon us like the house of cards we all really deep down knew it to be, and we find ourselves on the brink of going third world, somehow I am finding it hard to find much to laugh about. I’ve heard Grandma and Grandpas stories about the depression. I’ve seen Road Warriors and Mad Max. I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain.
We have sold out, and we have been sold out. And I am pretty pissed off.
I know this might seem particularly petty now, the Dow is down 670 as I type this, peoples lives being ruined and all. But the column must carry on. Lots of people bitching right now, lots of people gripping. Our very way of life is in jeopardy. I can’t solve the world’s problems. I can’t even solve my own. And I’ve got a lot of problems with some of you people. It’s Festivus time!
Reading of grievances:
Woman that drives talking on the cell phone: Let’s be perfectly honest. Most Americans are horrible drivers to begin with. When you handicap them by asking them to concentrate on anything other than driving while driving, it’s like giving them a loaded rocket launcher and turning them loose with it in traffic. Much like in Road Warriors. I single out women in particular because… well, come on.
People talking on the cell phone in public places: I get it. You are important. So damn important that you can’t get off the phone 5 minutes to pick up your Kibbles and Bits. You are a mover and a shaker. Don’t concern yourself with the fact that your loud obnoxious conversation is interrupting my enjoyment of the Muzak version of “Muskrat Love.” I am fascinated with your life and feel so very privileged that you feel the need to share it with me. Really. Can I hear more about your dilemma about whether to put grandpa in the nursing home? I can’t get enough of that kind of stuff.
People that still write checks at the grocery store: Come on, check the calendar. It reads 2008. We have moved on. Come with us. Put away your chisel and your rock my tired friend.
People that steal the parking spot you were waiting for: Really, if I wasn’t so callused and worn down by the rudeness and lack of common courtesy in the world already, stealing my parking spot would definitely be “go time.” As it is I just flip you off and end up walking a few steps further. It is a small price to pay for flipping you a guilt-free number one. Congratulations jerkwad.
Drive thru scripts: “I’d like two Burrito Supremes and that is all.” “Would you like a drink with that sir?” “What part of ‘I’d like two Burrito Supremes and that is all’ don’t you understand?”
TV ad lawyers: Hey, here is a jingle for you. “It will come as no surprise, why I have to advertise.”
People that let their kids run amok: Don’t make us pass a leash law.
People that chain up their dogs all day: Yeah, you might feel a little guilty when you strap the old chain on Fido. But that is just one uncomfortable moment. Then you are gone. All day. You don’t have to listen to Fido bark. And bark. And bark. Hey, don’t worry about it. I like it. I record it and play it in my car when I leave the house.
Dumb and/or stinky people that are drawn to me as a person to strike up a conversation with: I’m not dumb or stinky. Why do I want to talk to you? Go find some other dumb stinky guy and buddy up to him. You guys can compare notes on what soap you would probably use if you ever decided to actually use soap.
10) Terrell Owens: Oh to live on Sugar Mountain. What is it like to live in your world T.O.? Targeted 18 times, a full 1/3 of your team’s offensive plays, yet you whine about not getting enough opportunities? 18 targets isn’t enough for you to help your team win? Wow. Here in our world it appeared that the problem was that you couldn’t break free from your defender all day long, yet Romo kept pumping you the ball just so you wouldn’t bitch about not getting the ball. To us the problem seemed to be that you were targeted too much while Marion Barber was gathering dust. But of course, who is to say we are right? I mean, there are only a few million of us and one of you. I’m sure if Romo had fed you the ball another 18 times you would have pulled it right out for the team. If only they would have let you. Bastards.
9) Colts: It is way too early to call this weeks match-up at the Texans a must win. But in terms of the division (the division the Colts have owned) the Colts are chasing the Titans 4-0 killing machine, and must win this one to avoid falling into last place. They would be well advised to show up with their yet to be seen “A” game against an improving and hungry Texans team. Look Colts, I don't want to play hardball here, but if you go 1-3 I'll have no choice than to flush you further down this toilet.
8) Browns: Yeah, you beat the Bengals. What do you want? A medal? How about another week in the box. You lose another one? You get another week in the box.
7) Vikings: Man, this went to hell faster than a “roofing contractor” that rips off little old ladies and peddles kiddy porn on the side.
6) Raiders: The Lane Kiffin death watch continues in yet another sad bizarre chapter of the decline of the Raiders Empire. Al is now trying to drum up candidates for the head coaching position. So far he has had no luck attracting NFL or even college level candidates, so there is a good chance some luck high school coach in California is going to get his shot at the big time. That is assuming there are no bed and breakfast owners available.
5) Chiefs: I don’t know what it is about Arrowhead that can turn otherwise great quarterbacks into blithering idiots, but there is something there. It certainly isn’t the lineup. Herm finally came to his senses and started the only quarterback on the roster that gives them a dorks chance of scoring at the Playboy mansion. And against arguably the worst defense in the league it actually worked. I could be mistaken, but it almost seemed like Herm was playing to win the game.
4) Texans: One could argue that the Texans 0-3 start is simply a product of a brutal schedule. But eventually, ideally, you might want to actually win one anyway. Chances would appear slim this week with a rested and motivated Colts team coming to town. On a personal note, I am glad to see the Texans defense in such a sieve-like mode, thus ensuring lots of passing for Matt Schaub regardless of who they play. Now if Andre Johnson could just remember how to catch the ball the Texans will serve my selfish need for fantasy points. That would be good. Don’t make me beg…because I will.
3) Lions: Wouldn’t it be a hoot if the Lions, free of the shackles of ineptitude on the part of Matt Millen could suddenly become an actual NFL team and run off 7-8 victories? Yeah. Then again it would be a hoot if everyone’s houses appraised out for what they did a year ago and our banks hadn’t bad loaned themselves into oblivion. The difference is that I’m pretty sure the housing and the banks will come around eventually. The Lions? Not so much.
2) Rams: The “Greatest Show on Turf” now applies to any team that plays the Rams in St. Louis. In the last week we have seen the starting quarterback and head coach offered up on the sacrificial alter, but I’m afraid you might need to go a little higher up in the food chain to find the real turd in this punchbowl.
1) Bengals: The bad news? You just got jacked up by a previously winless Browns team in your own house. The worse news? That wasn’t even the best game they have played this season.