Top Ten ways to save the Cowboys season

10) Jerry Jones should offer free gift certificates for his plastic surgeon to any player that actually tries to win.

9) Talk Charles Barkley into betting against them every week.

8 ) Bring Jeff Gillooly out of retirement and station him in the opponents tunnel.

7) Hypnotize Terrell Owens into thinking that Donovan McNabb is standing on the opposite sideline of every game.

6) Three words. Clone Marion Barber.

5) Put that underachieving offensive line on a strict diet of Wheaties. It’s the breakfast of champions.

4) Start a weekly contest. Defensive player that gets burned the worst gets strapped to a chair and forced to watch Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw nude scene on a five hour loop.

3) For motivational purposes, have the team computer nerd create a video of Bill Parcells watching last week’s Cowboys game film and laughing his ass off. Then show it to the team next week at halftime when they are down 24-3.

2) Decide which head coach is going to run the team, Wade Phillips, Jason Garrett, or Jerry Jones. Having three bosses is very confusing, especially when none of them has the guts to tell you when you are screwing up.

1) Follow the yellow brick road. See if the Wizard can give you brains, courage, and heart.

Rock n Roll Misery Index

10) Raiders

Remember when you were young,
You shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now the fans in disguise,
The black hole makes them cry.
Shine on you crazy diamond. -Pink Floyd

9) Chargers

We’ve got a plan,
We’re gonna stick it to our super fans.
All we seep,
Is the goal line to victory.
We’ll bore you, floor you
With uninspired play.
We won’t get up a minute,
We’re limping all the way - all the way!

San Diego Stupor Chargers.
San Diego Stupor Chargers.

8 ) Cowboys

I went into a bar just the other night, boy I got into one hell of a fight.
I think I might have broke my jaw, very next morning somebody stole my car
My wife left home about a week ago, she stole the kids and she took all my dough
She peed on the carpet, she stole my horse. Now things have gone from very bad to worse. - Texas.
And whisky. Funerals in Texas. Texas Funerals. -Jon Wayne

7) Seahawks

Sitting in a Seattle garden, waiting for the fun.
If the fun don’t come, you don’t give a damn two months from
Giving up the Seahawk reign.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo. -Beatles

6) Browns

All off-season never stopped to worry `bout a thing,
Open up and air it out, an’ just let Derek sling
Wondering if they’ve done it wrong,
Will this staph infection last very long, won’t you tell me,
Where have all the good times gone.
Where have all the good times gone. -Van Halen

5) Chiefs

Ground Control to Major Herm
Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Herm?
Can you hear me, Major Herm?
Can you hear me, Major Herm? -David Bowie

4) Vikings

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were better
Then we didn’t have to lose no more
And wouldn’t it be nice if we had defense
And we could win with 34

You know it’s not gonna get much better
When we’ve learned so well to lose together -Beach Boys

3) 49ers

Here they come to snuff the rooster
Yeah here come the rooster, yeah
Nolan proved he ain’t the guy
No, no, no, Singletary’s gonna try -Alice in Chains

2) Bengals

In the day we sweat it out in the fields of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through ʽhoods of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on parole time,
Injuries, penalties and stuffed runs at the line
Baby this team rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, its a suicide rap
We gotta get our fans some booze
`cause teams like us, baby we were born to lose -Springsteen

1) Lions

I was just a skinny lad, never played ‘cause I was bad
But when Kitna broke they called on Orlovsky
I got knocked down on my fanny
My ineptitude uncanny
I wish Kitna was still here instead of me

Oh won’t you replace me tonight
Oh please God stop the fight
Oh you gotta check Drew Stanton out
Offensive line you make my rockin’ world go ‘round. -Queen

COMMENTS (page 2 of 2)

Your Name:


Image verification:



Message:

 

Sondi

Posted Oct 5, 2011 12:51pm EDT

Hey, you're the goto expert. Thanks for hanigng out here.

redroy

Posted Oct 25, 2008 4:57pm EDT

This weekly column is worth the yearly subscription dues. You can get fantasy advise anywhere.

sparky134

Posted Oct 24, 2008 6:51pm EDT

Fair enough, Kevin. Always a great column, keep up the good work!!!

Fatlover1

Posted Oct 22, 2008 5:06pm EDT

Dudes there are plenty of places on this site for fantasy advice. Check the title...this is...COMMENTARY from the edge. This is Kev's spot to give HIS take on the NFL and fantasy season. That means HIS opinion whether humorous or serious. I pay joyfully for fantasy advice, but even more to hear his irreverant thoughts. Yes, I pay to hear his funny stuff! So lighten up, enjoy the humor, and cut him some slack. Jeez!

Sharpy

Posted Oct 22, 2008 4:43pm EDT

droz and claw - I'm curious how much of your life is taken up by fantasy football if you can't find a little humor in the day. In the immortal words of William Shattner on SNL to the Trekkies -- "You there, yes you, have you ever even kissed a girl??" (Now you're not only provided with unwanted humor but also unsolicited mockery.)

David Dorey

Posted Oct 22, 2008 12:15pm EDT

Rataree has been writing this sarcastic and brutally funny piece for many years to great response by many it not most Huddlers. It has not changed in the years it has run so it is what it is - and that is one of the more popular pieces on the site each week. The Huddle will always provide information and advice every week through numerous columns and articles and we are happy to also have Kevin who acts as the kid in the back of the class that every teacher hated and all the kids enjoyed. If it is not your cup of tea so be it, but most really enjoy it including myself.

droz

Posted Oct 22, 2008 12:05pm EDT

while its funny, it doesn't help me one bit...I paid for advice not comedy.

grassman

Posted Oct 22, 2008 7:54am EDT

grassman to LJ

I see you standing there..
you think you're so cool
why don't you just--
F**K OFF!! - Guns & Roses ( It's so easy)

chilover

Posted Oct 22, 2008 3:26am EDT

in the ghetto, the detroit ghetto, the lion sleeps tonite

wolf

Posted Oct 21, 2008 8:54pm EDT

But sometimes you have to step away from the cliff and find some humor during the fantasy season. My God I have LJ AND Winslow on my team, how many times in my 10 years of FFL can I say I have 2 guys out at the same time with suspensions?? Can't wait to see what happens in week 8...

claw

Posted Oct 21, 2008 8:28pm EDT

Boy, this column is sure gonna help my fantasy team. I didn't pay for Weird Al Yankovic. Thanks for nothing.

<21>