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Commentary from the Edge - Week 8
Kevin Ratterree
October 21, 2008
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Top Ten ways to save the Cowboys season

10) Jerry Jones should offer free gift certificates for his plastic surgeon to any player that actually tries to win.

9) Talk Charles Barkley into betting against them every week.

8 ) Bring Jeff Gillooly out of retirement and station him in the opponents tunnel.

7) Hypnotize Terrell Owens into thinking that Donovan McNabb is standing on the opposite sideline of every game.

6) Three words. Clone Marion Barber.

5) Put that underachieving offensive line on a strict diet of Wheaties. It’s the breakfast of champions.

4) Start a weekly contest. Defensive player that gets burned the worst gets strapped to a chair and forced to watch Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw nude scene on a five hour loop.

3) For motivational purposes, have the team computer nerd create a video of Bill Parcells watching last week’s Cowboys game film and laughing his ass off. Then show it to the team next week at halftime when they are down 24-3.

2) Decide which head coach is going to run the team, Wade Phillips, Jason Garrett, or Jerry Jones. Having three bosses is very confusing, especially when none of them has the guts to tell you when you are screwing up.

1) Follow the yellow brick road. See if the Wizard can give you brains, courage, and heart.

Rock n Roll Misery Index

10) Raiders

Remember when you were young,
You shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now the fans in disguise,
The black hole makes them cry.
Shine on you crazy diamond. -Pink Floyd

9) Chargers

We’ve got a plan,
We’re gonna stick it to our super fans.
All we seep,
Is the goal line to victory.
We’ll bore you, floor you
With uninspired play.
We won’t get up a minute,
We’re limping all the way - all the way!

San Diego Stupor Chargers.
San Diego Stupor Chargers.

8 ) Cowboys

I went into a bar just the other night, boy I got into one hell of a fight.
I think I might have broke my jaw, very next morning somebody stole my car
My wife left home about a week ago, she stole the kids and she took all my dough
She peed on the carpet, she stole my horse. Now things have gone from very bad to worse. - Texas.
And whisky. Funerals in Texas. Texas Funerals. -Jon Wayne

7) Seahawks

Sitting in a Seattle garden, waiting for the fun.
If the fun don’t come, you don’t give a damn two months from
Giving up the Seahawk reign.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo. -Beatles

6) Browns

All off-season never stopped to worry `bout a thing,
Open up and air it out, an’ just let Derek sling
Wondering if they’ve done it wrong,
Will this staph infection last very long, won’t you tell me,
Where have all the good times gone.
Where have all the good times gone. -Van Halen

5) Chiefs

Ground Control to Major Herm
Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Herm?
Can you hear me, Major Herm?
Can you hear me, Major Herm? -David Bowie

4) Vikings

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were better
Then we didn’t have to lose no more
And wouldn’t it be nice if we had defense
And we could win with 34

You know it’s not gonna get much better
When we’ve learned so well to lose together -Beach Boys

3) 49ers

Here they come to snuff the rooster
Yeah here come the rooster, yeah
Nolan proved he ain’t the guy
No, no, no, Singletary’s gonna try -Alice in Chains

2) Bengals

In the day we sweat it out in the fields of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through ʽhoods of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on parole time,
Injuries, penalties and stuffed runs at the line
Baby this team rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, its a suicide rap
We gotta get our fans some booze
`cause teams like us, baby we were born to lose -Springsteen

1) Lions

I was just a skinny lad, never played ‘cause I was bad
But when Kitna broke they called on Orlovsky
I got knocked down on my fanny
My ineptitude uncanny
I wish Kitna was still here instead of me

Oh won’t you replace me tonight
Oh please God stop the fight
Oh you gotta check Drew Stanton out
Offensive line you make my rockin’ world go ‘round. -Queen

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