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Some wide receivers like to shoot their mouth off. Plaxico Burress prefers to try to shoot his leg off.
Yes, it seems the self inflicted wounds just keep coming for Plaxico. This time literally. I guess it is understandable how this happened. Burress has spent his career trying to avoid safeties. Who knew his “me first” attitude extended to gun-play?
From his first big NFL catch (which he subsequently spiked before being touched down) to his Yosemite Sam gun toting adventures of the past weekend, (”IIIIIIIIIM the rootenest tootenest shootenist superbowl winning receivering, and what-not…..” BLAM!!!!.) Plax has just been one accident after another.
While Burress may have embarrassed himself, his team-mates, his organization, the league, and yes, his entire city, and the human race as a whole, he is making me look like a genius for latching onto Domenik Hixon in my dynasty league a month ago. Which is really all I care about. Since nobody got hurt. Too bad. And stuff.
Why am I such a self centered and selfish bastard?
So Plax, I’m going out to the back yard and shoot off a few rounds in your honor right now. The hell with what the neighbors think. I don’t owe them any more than you owed that bar full of wastoids who foolishly thought they could go out and get chit-faced without playing Russian Roulette with your “Three Stoogesque” gun-handling skills.
Did we watch the Jets “peak” in Tennessee in week 12? We christen them as the next big thing and they roll out the “Rick Kotite” era performance the very next week? Raw.
But I am going to give them a pass on that one. The Broncos are a freakishly schizo team, and the Jets caught them on the wrong week. The week after the Jets slayed the undefeated Titans. Playing well enough to beat the Titans will set you back a bit. Maybe just a little let-down for the Jets here. Either that or they peaked in week 12 and it is downhill from here. Who the hell knows? The rest of the schedule is winnable, so we might not find out what this team is really made of until the first game of the playoffs. How much do you want to bet that somehow that ends up being against the Broncos.
The AFC is such a freaking crap-shoot. I think the Titans and Steelers are probably headed for a Championship game, but watch out for the Colts who seem to have a guardian angel hovering over them. They have won 4 or 5 games they probably didn’t deserve to win, and have yet to hit their stride or rid themselves of injury issues. But if you take a closer look at them, this team defensively is a lot like that Championship team in ‘06. Bend - don’t break defense. The Colts have been winning Tony Dungy football. If the offense can get fine tuned over the next 3 games against weak opponents, watch out for the Colts. They are the “dark horse” in the AFC. Pun intended.
While watching Sunday Night Football this week, I was braced for yet more Rosie O’Donnell promo’s. I mean, just because I railed on NBC last week for wasting their time trying to get us to watch that hour long dung-fest, I certainly didn’t think they would take it to heart. But alas - no Rosie.
So a quick Google search led me to the wonderful news that I had not heard yet. In case you have not heard it yet, I will be happy to report it. The Rosie show was cancelled.
Yes, it seems that football fans are not the only ones that will go out of their way to avoid potentially harmful exposure to Rosie. According to the news story I found, Rosie was the lowest rated of the network shows in that time slot.
O’Donnell’s variety show attracted some 5 million viewers, less even than the ratings-challenged “Knight Rider.”
Huh. How about that. It seems people prefer an insipid talking car to an insipid talking cow.
My faith in America is ever so slightly restored by this turn of events. Yes, there is a level to which we will not stoop. Good for you America. Good for you.
And good for you dim-witted NBC executives. You squeezed off a big one right in your own bed. But you realized it quickly and went right to work with the old pooper-scooper. Thank you. Your network smells better already, and the theory that even a monkey can be trained to be a network programmer is one step closer to being proven once and for all.
Misery Index
10) The BCS: I really hate to piss off all you Oklahoma fans out there. I know you love your football. But I have something to say and I am just going to say it. Texas beat Oklahoma on a neutral site. That’s proof enough for me. The computers might love the Sooners, but the computers don’t have to watch Chokelahoma get jacked up in yet another bowl game. After getting lit up by the likes of Boise State in previous BCS games enroute to a 1-4 mark in their last 5, I think we all know where this thing ends up. It is going to end up the same way it always ends up for Ohio State. Oops…I mean THE Ohio State.
America has had it with these chokers. We want a classic championship game like Texas /USC was. I don’t care if Oklahoma has played a tougher schedule. I don’t care that they have secretly implanted Sooner pheromones in the BCS computer. Everyone outside of the dust-bowl knows they will get punched in the mouth in the big game, bleed all over the place and fall apart. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. I just know. And Vegas knows the system is flawed as well. If USC was playing in the BCS Championship game they would be favored to smoke any of these teams. But we will never know. The computer knows all. And Texas fans. I feel your pain as well. You and I will feel much better after we win a bundle betting against Oklahoma in the Championship game. Wait a minute…now we might have to root for Nick Saban? Oh crap. Thank God for the NFL, where the national champion is decided on the field, and only on the field.
(The television theme song version)
9) Plaxico Burress
Come and listen to a story about a man named Plax
A rich wide receiver, barely kept his pistol packed,
Then one day there was shootin’ at a bar,
Red filled the seats of his Escalade car.
Blood that is, Heart Juice, Artery Tea.
Well the first thing you know ole Plax a prisoner,
Judge said Plax you should move away from there
Said Californy is the place you ought to play
So he copped a plea and moved to the San Francisco Bay.
Oakland that is. Rich old fools, brand new bars.
The Bumbling Hoodbullies!!!
8) Seahawks
Good Times.
Any time you make a first down. - Good Times.
Any time you gain a yard. - Good Times.
Any time you’re not three and out.
Not getting tackled, not getting whistled.
Keepin’ your head in a slaughter,
Making a play when you can.
Off the street fill-ins. - Good Times.
Lame duck head coach. - Good Times.
Aging veterans. - Good Times.
A high pick at draft time- Good Times.
Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em - Good Times
7) Browns
Here he comes, here comes Ken Dorsey - he’s a demon on spikes
He’s a demon and he’s gonna be throwin’ it to someone.
His completion percent is under 55.
He’s sacked one out of every 13 times.
And when the fans are against him
And his team-mates too
You bet your life Ken Dorsey will see it through.
Go Ken Dorsey! Go Ken Dorsey! Go Ken Dorsey, Go!
6) Rams
Hello, world, here’s the song that we’re singin’
C’mon get happy!
A whole lot of losin’ is what we’ll be bringin’
We’re playin’ crappy!
We had a dream, we’d go travelin’ together,
We’d dread the ass kickin’s but we’d keep movin’ on.
Bad things always happen whenever we’re together
Fans get a crappy feelin’ when we’re third and long.
Stumblin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’
We’re really crappy!
If a whole lot of losin’ is what you’d be seekin’
We’ll make you happy
5) Chiefs
Making your way in the league today takes everything you’ve got
Taking a break from all your haters, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go where nobody knows you’re lame,
And they think you play to win the game.
You wanna be where fans can see, head coaches are all the same
You wanna be where nobody knows you’re lame.
(and take Mr. Peterson with you)
4) Bengals
Baby, if you’ve ever wondered,
Wondered whatever became of me,
I’m losing every week in Cincinnati, Cincinnati, why did you draft me?
Got kind of tired of tackling and the sacking,
Town to town and going down with style
Maybe you and me were never meant to be,
But baby cut me a check once in awhile.
I’m at We Keep Recruiting Punks in Cincinnati.
3) Chargers
Who can turn a good team to a pile?
Who can take a good Sunday, and suddenly make it all seem defiled?
Well it’s you Norv, and you should know it
With each loss and every bonehead movement you show it
Jobs are all around, no need to sweat them
You can have their cash, why wouldn’t you take ‘em
You’re gonna tank it after all
You’re gonna yank it after all
2) Raiders
Boy the way Mad Bomber played, “just win baby” was no charade.
Guys like Al he had it made, those were the days.
And you knew who you were then,
Back when Madden and Shell were thin,
Mister we could use a man like Kenny Stabler again.
Didn’t have no draft pick rate. Metal detectors at the gate.
Gee didn’t Marcus Allen run great. Those were the days.
1) Lions
So this is the tale of the losing ways, they’re here for a long, long time,
They’ll have to make the best of things, it’s an uphill climb.
The new coach and the GM too, will do their very best,
To make the others comfortable, in the Motor City mess.
No wins! No hope! No free agents, not a single luxury,
Like expansion football, as primitive as can be.
So join us here each week my friends, you’re sure to get a smile
If you like losing lots of ways, here on Matt Millen’s Isle.
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Can't decide if Herm Edwards is Coach or Woody...
OMG!!...Diet Pepsi all over the keyboard!!
I wrote a column in the pre-season that gave in detail my thoughts about the upcoming drafts, and the creative strategies that could lead to success this season.
I give people a peek inside my head fantasy-wise in my blog before and during the season. As a matter of fact I gave out for free a blueprint to a championship team in the pre-season. I showed my readers a draft that resulted in a team that placed first in overall points in the WCOFF Super Satellite league. 144 teams.
I told you to draft Chris Johnson and not draft Tom Brady. And I was about the ONLY one telling you not to draft Brady.
And just last week in my blog I practically begged people to jump on Domenik Hixon.
I figure my work is done. It is time to have a laugh and celebrate our good fortune.
Thanks again to those who leave comments. Writing this column just wears me out every Monday, but knowing there are people out there that enjoy it as much as I do makes it all worthwhile.
Your article is still one I look forward to reading every week - don't change a thing.