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Commentary from the Edge - Week 15
Kevin Ratterree
December 9, 2008
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So O.J. is finally in prison. I guess you can only expect to win the lottery once. O.J. pressed his luck. Whammy!

And right now as I sit here days after the sentencing I know there are parasites already at work, falling all over themselves for the privilege of pressing the limits of reality television. Yes, it’s....

“O.J. - Behind Bars at Last!”

(scene - O.J.’s cell)

O.J.’s cell-mate: I sure am sorry if I snored last night Mr. Simpson. I was having a fabulous dream about the movie where you were flying the plane, and I was dreaming that I was that other guy in the movie. You sure were good in that movie Mr. Simpson. I’m your number one fan; I just can’t believe we are here in the same cell together. Do you need a hug? Let me give you a hug…

O.J.: I told you last night fool, I never flew no plane in no movie. That was Kareem. And O.J. will pick a bitch on O.J’s time. Probably after my appeal gets denied. Until then keep away from me. But just so you’ll know, If I do pick you, you damn sure better not cross me. You hear me? By the way, that reminds me, I need you to get me a shank.

cell-mate: Yeah, but can’t I just hug…

O.J.: My foot itches fool. Scratch it again!

cell mate: Can I hug it?

O.J.: (grits teeth - under his breath) Johnny Cochran where were you when I needed you? Dy’in ass m’fer!

(cut to O.J. confessional scene)

O.J.: I’m ready to kill him already. Freak tried to “hug” me three times last night. Why did they put me in here with a long blond haired boy? Was that supposed to be some kind of a joke? But hey, it’s cool. I’m O.J. Simpson. I’ll be running this prison inside of six months. And as soon as I get out of this place, I’m going right back to looking for the real killers and the real kidnappers. And then when I find them the joke gonna be on all of them. Not on O.J. Simpson. Not……on…….O…J… Simpson. (diabolical laughing)

Hmmm. That might be a little rough. Maybe they could do a reality show aimed at the women-folk.  How about “Who Wants a Conjugal Visit With O.J.?” or “Who Wants To Marry a Homicidal Convict?”

With your host, Kato Kaelin!!

And special guest co-host, Plaxico Burress!!

And our special guest via satellite from the “scrip” club, Adam “Don’t Call Me Pacman” Jones!!

But there is only one true “reality TV” show and that is sports. And I must say Pacman and the rest of the Dallas Cowboys got a big pile of reality shoved in their faces in Pittsburgh. The Steelers were outplayed every step of the way but found a way to win. And the Cowboys had the game tucked away and then pissed it away like a cheap light beer. That was brutal.

Not as brutal as the owner throwing the team’s best player under the bus the next day, but brutal.

I’ll tell you what else is brutal. Drafting players that suck. Ladies and gentlemen, my personal hate list 2008.

Ryan Grant: Yeah, it happens every year. Every year I pimp somebody like there is no tomorrow, and they end up making me look like an idiot. Luckily, I did not end up drafting Grant in any of my re-drafts, but he is currently polluting roster spots on both my keeper and dynasty team. His late season push into “mediocrity” from “putrid” hardly takes the sting off. Ryan, we might be ok in the future, but for now I think it best if we don’t see each other for awhile.  I need my space.

Reggie Wayne: If I polled a hundred fantasy nuts like yourself before this season started, and I said, “fantasy nuts like yourselves, which stud wide receiver would you give the least likely chance of crashing and burning?” I have a feeling the overwhelming response would have been in a single voice, in hundred part harmony, Reggie Wayne. Well, here we are. Wrong again. Reggie almost single-handedly took down one of my favorite fantasy teams this year. Thanks for the memories Mr. Wane.

Matt Schaub: Love the Schaub. But Schaub gets injured. Then I hate the Schaub. Still, I don’t want the Schaub lurking on anyone else's roster. Then I would end up a Schaub stalker. Quite a conundrum.

Willis McGahee: The fantasy community seemed to have a bead on the McGahee situation, as his draft position went south this pre-season, around the end of the third round for 12 team leagues. And even though I didn’t draft McGahee, the level of play he displayed on Sunday night was so pathetic in nature, that I just felt compelled to add him to this list as an honor. That was possibly one of the worst running back performances I have ever seen. If that was a migraine induced stupor - he should have never been on the field. And if a migraine wasn’t the problem I would say we have just about seen all we will see from McGahee. Flame-out. Fade to black.

Reggie Bush: I remember that PPR draft when I got Reggie Bush in the middle of the third round. I had nailed the Manning and Wayne connection in the first two rounds, and when a stud PPR receiver like Bush fell in my lap in the third round I was expecting the police to arrive and cart me away for robbery. But sadly, in the end, the joke was on me after all.

Pierre Thomas: I remember when I drafted Pierre Thomas late in the draft, thinking what a good handcuff he would be for Bush, then carrying him on my roster most of the season, thinking his time would come. But as weeks passed, his time would never come it seemed. Then I dropped him. Which launched him to his late season surge as a featured back. Oui Oui. The joke is on me again. Dumbass.

Bernard Berrian: After ripping it up through week 9, and hanging with the top ten WRs, Berrian went AWOL on unsuspecting owners like myself:

This one is classic.

Week 10 - 0.00 points
Week 11 - 7.60
Week 12 - 3.80

Okay, now you are ready to bench his ass right? Yeah, let’s bench him.

Week 13 - 26.20

Oh, okay, He’s back now. All it took was for me to bench him. It’s all good now. First week of the playoffs. Just in time. Against the Lions?  Indoors?  Perfect. Oh yeah. It’s ON now!

Week 14 - 5.90

Son of a %*#& %&*#$@%#!!!

Misery Index

(AC/DC version)

10) 49ers

Wanna tell you a story, ‘Bout a franchise I know
When it comes to losin’ Oh they steal the show
Ain’t exactly pretty when coaches pants fall
Pointed to his big behind
He said he wants winners and that is all

Never saw a loser
Never saw  losers like you
Blowing all the games
Blowing all the games you do

You’re a whole lotta loser
A whole lotta losers
Pissed off Singletary
And you’re a whole lotta losers

9) Seahawks

See me ride out of the sunset
On your flat TV screen
Out for all that I could get
This rosters looking lean
Injuries to the left of me
And injuries to the right
Ain’t got no fun
Ain’t got no life
But lost my will to fight

‘Cause we've just won 3. This ain’t alright
We won 3 and I’ve lost the fight
We won 3 can’t wait to hit the road
We won 3 watch us implode

 8) Jaguars

They gave me their line
Then they gave me their yards
But it seems to me
That they gave them to anybody

We made their fans cry
And we made them scream
We stormed the goal line
And we shattered their dream

But how were we to know that they had been there before
They told me they were contenders
They were number nine, give or take on the draft day list
We rolled up the score and made them our little bitch

We got the Jags
We got the Jags
We got the Jags, Jags, Jags, Jags, Jags, Jags Jags, we got the Jags.

7) Browns

If your havin’ trouble with your football head
He’s givin’ you the blues
You wanna be great but instead
All you do is lose -
Pick up the phone
He’s there alone
Call him any time
You know he’s ready and waiting
I think it’s Marty time.

Schottenheimer, won’t come cheap
Schottenheimer, won’t come cheap
Schottenheimer, won’t come cheap
Playoff time is the time you’ll weep
Playoff time is the time you’ll weep

6) Raiders

Ridin’ down the highway
Goin’ to the Hole
Embarrassing the big guy
Bad sandlot football
Gettin’ robbed
Gettin’ stuffed
Gettin’ beat up
Broken boned
Playin’ Bad
Gettin’ cooked
I tell you folks
It’s as bad as it looks

It’s a long way to the top
If you play in the Black Hole
It’s a long way to the top
When you owner’s an a-hole

If you think it’s easy doin’ goal-line stands
Try dealing with drunken painted up fans
It’s a long way to the top
If you play in the Black Hole.

5) Rams

Well me and the boys are out to have some fun
Gonna be a no show - Come on lets go
There’s gonna be some losin’
There’s gonna be some losin’
There’s gonna be some losin’ at the dome tonight.

Every week there’s a down and out team
Gonna come here and make
us look like a bunch of queens
There’s gonna be some losin’
There’s gonna be some losin’
There’s gonna be some losin’ at the dome tonight

4) Chargers

He’s ever upper class high society,
God’s gift to coaching notoriety,
Owners fill his pockets
(The check is never small)
The sports pages say he’s got
The biggest balls of all
Oh Norv’s got big balls
Norv’s got big balls
And they’re such big balls
Dirty big balls
And Wade’s got big balls
And Herm’s got big balls
But Norv’s got the biggest balls of them all

3) Bengals

They were a slow machine, they kept their uni’s clean
One of the worst damn teams I had ever seen
They had just one win, didn’t happen again, Fitzy lookin’ up at the American skies
Taking more than their share with no defense there, They sold the tickets but nobody was there.
‘Cause the walls start shaking The earth was quaking My mind was wasting watching Ocho jaking it and you

Sucked all year long
Yeah you stunk all year long

2) Chiefs

Brodie Croyle was no solution, Brody Croyle just wasn’t the guy
Thigpen looks like the solution Herm Edwards he will survive Yes he will, ha ha ha ha

1) Lions

In the beginning
Back in two thousand and one
Fans didn’t know about the Millen show
And all that fun
The Packers had Brett Favre
The Vikes Culpepper and Moss
No one knew what he was gonna do
But Matt Millen had the news
He said -

Let there be Joey, and there was Joey
Let there be Rogers, and there was Rogers
Let there be Williams, and there was Williams
Let there be K-Jones, and there was K-Jones
Let there be squat!!!

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