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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge - Week 3
Kevin Ratterree
September 22, 2009
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I was really hoping that the first opposing team to come to the new Palace in Dallas (not really in Dallas) would boom about 5 punts in a row into that obnoxiously huge extension of Jerra's "manhood"  that hangs over the field.  How disappointed I was when I realized that the Giants were the first team coming to town, and with the ancient Feagles there would be little "boom" in those punts.  Oh well, there are still 7 games left.

As much as I love Vegas, it is no place to play a football game.  As best I can tell, Jerra has managed to encapsulate a football field with a larger version of the Venetian Hotel minus the casino.  The place isn't a football venue.  It is a marble encased circus.   I mean, I half expect Cirque Du Soleil or that bunch from over at the Rio to come in and perform over the playing field.

The Cowboys opener certainly brought the star-power.  I was particularly fascinated by John Madden sitting next to W.  Talk about a meeting of the minds. 

Madden:  So Mr. President, are you a big football fan?  I know you used to own that Rangers baseball team and then boom sold it.

W:  Baseball is good.  But football is good too.  I flipped the coin tonight.

Madden:  Yeah, I saw that.  I mean, there it was, and then you had your hand in kind of a fist there they put it on your thumb there, and then you just kind of flicked that thumb and the coin went up in the air spinning around like that and then Boom, right there on the ground and then it was flipped.

W:  Laura made me practice in the limo on the way over to make sure I would get it right.

Madden:  Well yeah, yeah, I mean you have to practice stuff to be able to do stuff.  Because people need to know how to do stuff, and the best way to figure out how to do stuff is to practice it.  And so, after enough practice you know, at some point you know how to do it, and then boom, its done.

W:  You talk good.

Madden:  Thanks Mr. President.  I had a lot of practice.  Hey, ya' wanna come and take a look at my bus after the game, I've got Polaroids of every Turducken I ever had up there on the wall there, it's great!

W:  Let me call Cheney and ask him if it's ok.  Oops.  Habit

Madden:  You want the rest of these chili-cheese fries Mr. President? 

W:  That'd be alright.  French fried taters are good, mmm huh.

The NFL network seems to be trying to catch up with NBC with its rapidly expanding talking head crew on the Sunday morning pregame show.  Michael Irvin sits right next to Warren Sapp.  Two legendary mouths side by side.  Gives me goose bumps.  Or hives, can't figure out which.

Sapp seemed to be convinced Sunday morning last that the Ravens were about to shut out the Chargers in San Diego.  And he said it more than once so he had really convinced himself this was going to happen and was trying to shovel his BS theory down everyone else's throat at every opportunity. 

I found it hard to figure out how Sapp was so confident in his horrible prediction.  I mean, yeah the Ravens are the Ravens, but they had just come off allowing 24 points to the horrible (and I mean horrible) Kansas City Chiefs the week before.  And now they were going on the road and shutting out a far superior team to the one they had just barely survived?

Look Sapp, we have tolerated your all too predictable move behind the microphone, basically because we have no choice in the matter.  If we want to watch NFL Network.  There you are.  But saying amazingly stupid things on a regular basis is not helping the situation.  You might want to check yourself before you go predicting any team will go on the road and shut out any other team.  Outlandish "shut-out" predictions should probably be reserved for utterly dominant teams playing at home against turds.  Give yourself a chance to be right Mr. Sapp.

For instance, if you had predicted a Ravens shut-out in week one against the Chiefs, few would have raised an eyebrow.  You would have been wrong by 24 points anyway, (like you were this week) but at least most of us could have figured out how the gears in your head were turning.

Peddling crapola like that is not going to earn you much cred.  By the time you actually hit one, nobody will be listening anymore, if there is actually anybody listening now.  Here's hoping you were holding a big fat parlay ticket with the Ravens and the under.  Probably not though because I'm pretty sure even you don't believe half the bovine lava-flow spew that breaches your lips.  In the words of the ESPN Countdown crew, C'mon man!

But you are one hell of a dancer, and you used to play football, so you have that going for you.  Figuring out what people that play football today are going to do is trickier than it appears.  I'm 20 years in and still don't know jack.

But I did know damn good and well that the Ravens weren't going into San Diego and shutting them out.  And Philip Rivers agreed emphatically with 400+ and two TDs.  The Ravens defense at this point is anything but impenetrable.  Apparently much like Mr Sapp's head.

I love Jon Gruden on Monday Night Football.  But he does make me kind of uneasy during the pre-game banter. He glares at the camera as if he wants to come through it and kick my ass.  I guess mama was right.  Your face can freeze that way if you do it enough.  I'm just glad she was wrong about that "if you do that you'll go blind" stuff.  Oops .  Wait a minute, I dropped my glasses, hold on...

Speaking of self-abuse, hey Michael Crabtree, your big pile of money is floating in the toilet and the 49ers have their hands on the handle.  Once they flush it is gone, and so is your hope of the big pay-day.  The team is 2-0 in-division and appear to need you about as much as Singletary needs bigger eyeballs.  They want winners.  And holding out for less money is decidedly a loser move.  And with every team win I suspect you will become an even bigger loser. 

The only way you and your agent would be stupid enough to keep playing this suicidal game of chicken is if you knew for sure some other team was willing to sign you for more money next season......oh.  Never mind.

That guy on the Cialis commercial creeps me out.  I mean, if you are going to do a commercial featuring a woman and her stiffie-challenged hubby, I think you should at least hire a straight man to do the role.  I will say this though.  I am unable to sustain an erection for 24 hours after seeing that pill-pushing Mary Kay painted freak in hi-def.  So maybe there is a method to their madness. 

Misery Index 

10a)  Dolphins:  Keeping Manning off the field for 3/4 of the game is a great way to try to beat the Colts.  Unfortunately if you let them score 27 points on you during the 14 minutes they are on the field, all the clock killing in the world won't save your sorry asses.  Oh yeah, you might want to mix in some end of game clock management.  We generally don't run on 2nd and 9 with 80 yards to go and just under 3 minutes on the clock.  That might work with Chris Johnson, but he isn't on your roster the last time I checked.  Anyway, there is this thing called the two minute drill.  You can probably find out about it on Wikipedia.

10) Cowboys:  I hear there are lots of food choices at the new venue including gourmet quality restaurants, but the G-Men gorged themselves on cheap turnovers Sunday night.  You could almost hear the tongue lashing Wade was about to receive from Jera by the sick look on Wade's face at the end of the game.  Romo splashed cold water on Jerra's non-Cialis induced opening night woodie.  I wonder if Jera had a "woodshed" built somewhere in his palace so he can give his beat-downs in private.  "Wade!  Tony! Woodshed!  Now!" 

9) Patriots:  While a road loss to a divisional opponent might not be cause for alarm for most franchises, the Jets have been the Pats little patsies for the last decade.  But the loss, as stunning as it might be to you Pats fans is secondary to the fact that Tom Terrific showed hints of the human emotion known as "fear" with repeated pressure and bodies falling at his feet.  Blasphemous? Indeed.  But sadly true.  Tom Brady is human.  And a rookie quarterback rules the division at this moment in time.  Belichick may have temporarily lost control of the division but he proved that he can still screw my fantasy team over by leading me to believe I should bench Welker in week one, and start him in week two.  Thanks coach.  Here's hoping Rex Ryan makes you his bitch for the next decade.

8) Jaguars:  Did I mention that I finally dropped "Sims-Walker" from my dynasty team before this year's rookie draft?  And it wasn't just because he never went more than one game without getting injured.  The final straw was the hyphenated last name.  I mean, isn't that kind of a chick thing?  I avoided Heywood-Bey for the same reason, and despite Sims Walker's miraculous two game non-injured "breakout" performances, I still think I made the right decision. 

7) Panthers:  Good news Panthers fans.  Delhomme went from "bad enough to get the Panthers destroyed" to his more familiar "not good enough to get the Panthers a win."    

6) Buccaneers:  I know this team is very capable of ending up as Misery Index champions.  No doubt they are a worse team than the Titans to be sure.  But unlike Titans fans, Succaneers fans knew going into the season what they were in for.  I mean, Byron Leftwich is your quarterback.  Stop the presses, the Bucs can't score. 

5) Titans:
 
"Nashville 911, what is your emergency?"

 "Yeah a bunch of sodomite Texans just came up here and violated a bunch of these Tennessee boys over here, it's pretty bad." 

"Did anybody try to stop them?"

"Yeah, this long haired feller, name of Johnson tried to fight 'em off but the rest of 'em just kind of bent over and took it." 

4) Chiefs:  Haley hasn't impressed me all that much so far.  Getting jacked up at home by a team whose quarterback can't complete a pass to the tire hanging in his back yard hardly instills confidence.  Haley did however, manage to make me look like a buffoon for drafting Mark Bradley, and even more so for snagging him off the waiver wire in one league last week, while proceeding to raise Bobby Wade from the dead and transforming him into a PPR star in a matter of days.  So you have to be impressed with that. 

3) Lions:  Look Lions fans, I know you might be pissed that this still winless team is still not ranked #1.  But this Lions team, as horrible as they may be, are still a better team than the Rams, and whichever team just lost to the Broncos.  I'm sorry to break it to you, but I just don't think you suck enough to take the crown this year.  There is still hope though.  Two words:  Daunte Culpepper. 

2) Rams:  Steven Jackson finally had a long run in the Rams game this week.  And then it was shortened 10 yards with a penalty.  And that is Rams football 2009.  Granted, losing to the Redskins on the road may not be horrible in and of itself, losing 24 out of the last 26 games means that you are every bit as horrific as the Lions, minus the hope.

1) Browns:  I think we can safely assume that any team that is partially responsible for ejecting the 2-0 Denver Broncos from the Misery Index is worthy of this dis-honor.  Hard to believe that Mangini magic isn't kicking in yet.  This team is as pathetic as the Jackson family's imminent cash grab in memorium to Michael.  Wait a minute, not even the Browns aren't that pathetic.  Okay, they are as pathetic as Octo-mom.  No, no, they are as pathetic as the FCC still wasting taxpayer dollars investigating Janet Jackson's tit while Sunday I watch Ocho do the Lambeau leap and get fingered and F' You'd on national TV and that is fine. 

Hmmm.  Nah, the Browns aren't as pathetic as any of that crap.

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