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Commentary from the Edge - Week 5
Kevin Ratterree
October 6, 2009
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Monday Night Commentary

6:52  ESPN shows first shot of "Kid Waffles" throwing passes before the game. 

7:00 Tirico's bald head "soul patch" is almost completely gone now.  The war is nearly over.  Isn't it unfair that an old fart like Jaws still has a full head of hair, even after a lifetime of helmet abuse, and Gruden still has all his hair after a lifetime of "visor abuse" yet Tirico is the one with the follicle issues.  Damn those genes!

7:09  Stuart Scott tells me, and the table lamp next to me something simultaneously.  Which one of us was he talking to?  I don't know.  I wasn't listening.  I was too busy trying to figure out which one of us he was talking to.

7:28  Steve Young must have drawn the short straw in the production meeting.  He is the only one that picks the Packers.  But the only pick I care about is Millen's because I am familiar with his track record with picks.  Millen says that the Vikings  offensive line will take over the game.  So apparently Mr. Millen knows what a good offensive line looks like, he just couldn't put one together over the last decade.  Got it.

7:31  Here comes Kid Waffles out of the tunnel.  It is the moment we have all been waiting for.  All hail the Waffle.  All hail the Waffle. 

7:40  Oh no.  Green Bay won the toss. I am experiencing Favrus Interruptus.  Here comes that other guy onto the field, the one who isn't Favre, I think his name is Rodgers or something.

7:42  Green Bay goes 1st and 20 after a holding penalty.  Then, a third down completion across mid-field by that fella who isn't Favre.

7:50  The fella who isn't Favre got hit and fumbled the ball.  Man, do the Packers ever look like losers now.  Too bad they didn't keep Favre or maybe that wouldn't have happened.  Who am I kidding, that definitely wouldn't have happened. 

7:51  The Packers make a bad situation worse by challenging the fumble even though it clearly was a fumble.  Mr Waffles would have never let them make that mistake.  Now we have to wait even longer before Waffles hits the field.  Those damn Packers!

7:55  Mr. Waffles is just handing the ball off to AP.  Still though, he does it so much better than that guy who isn't Favre does.

7:59  Vikings driving and Packers commit 3rd penalty already.  It seems like the Packers were smarter back when Mr Waffles was still the quarterback.   

8:03  Awesome 1 yard TD pass by Mr. Waffles.  EAT THAT THOMPSON!  7-0 Vikings.

8:11  A 62 yard TD pass to Finley.  That fella that isn't Favre sure is lucky.

8:18  Vikings go 3 and out as Mr. Waffles throws two incompletions.  AP not involved any more.  Looks like it’s going to be a Mr. Waffles night tonight.

8:26  Rodgers throws an interception deep in Vikings territory. Favre secretly wishes they would have scored so he could air it out some more.

8:39  TOUCHDOWN FAVRE!    Suddenly our world makes sense again.  That should just about do it.  Nobody recovers from a Mr Waffles dagger like that.  14-7.

8:41  Oh good, that Favre commercial again.  I almost went two minutes without thinking about him.  Whew, that was close!

8:52  AP let one of them Packer fellas steal the rock and run it in for a score!  Oh my Favre!  I mean, oh my God!   Favre is actually on the brink of ecstasy over his impending heroics.  I hope he brought a change of underwear.

8:54  Refs and TV commentators miss an obvious face mask on the kickoff return.  I for one am stunned.  Long field for Favre to make some magic!

8:56  Mr. Waffles converts his 3rd consecutive 3rd down.  I'd like to see your fancy Rodgers boy pull that one off!  Two minute warning.  I hope that Favre commercial comes on so I don't have to go two minutes without seeing him.  While I am at it, I sure hope the sun rises tomorrow.

8:59  B.S. interference call on Packers interception of Mr Waffles.  Apparently the refs got the memo about tonight's game.

9:00  Next play, easy touchdown by Peterson.  Papa Smurf breathes a sigh of relief on the sidelines.  Vikings 21-14

9:05  Jaws and Gruden are gushing over Favre so much, I hope they both brought a change of underwear too.  Luckily mine are right upstairs. 


9:23  Thank God the Vikings get the ball first in the second half, I was having serious Mr. Waffles with-drawl.

9:29  Apparently the Vikings pumped some sort of sleeping potion into the Packers locker-room during half-time.  Favre has enough time in the pocket to retire, unretire, retire again, and then unretire before he throws a pass.

9:30  Sleepy Packer D lets Berrian blow by them for a long touchdown.  28-14, looks like Packers defense got the memo.

9:37  Yet another holding penalty on the Packers ruins a good kick return.  Hey, I wonder why the Vikings haven't got any penalties?  Oh yeah, the memo.

9:38  Rodgers continues to he hunted like a dog in the backfield.  Favre watches him running for his life and stops to consider if this didn't all work out for the best after all...

9:46  Packers are forced to go for it on 4th and goal inside the 2.  Donald Lee drops an uncontested pass right in his bread-basket.  Et tu Donald Lee?

9:48  Troy Polamalu commercial comes on.  I don't give a rat's ass about his hair, but it does make me sweat just looking at it.  Oh, and yeah, I'm sure you use Head and Shoulders Troy.  I mean, that's what I would do if I had a ton of money.  I would grow my hair long and then use cheap shampoo to systematically rip out the follicles. 

10:02  I'm not positive but I think the Packers defense actually got close to Favre, and finally stopped him from converting a 3rd down.   The Packers actually force a punt.  I look outside for the impending hordes of locusts.

10:05  Rodgers is sacked for the 6th time, and yet another Packer offensive lineman is taken off the field injured.  Here comes the rookie to take his place against Jared Allen.  During the injury time-out Rodgers grabs his cell-phone on the sideline to call his life insurance agent and make sure the policy is up to date.

10:08  Packers 3 and out.  No fight left in these dogs.  Favre calls Mike Vick to inform him of the situation.

10:09  Vick goes out to his shed to find his hanging ropes and calls to book flight to Minnesota.

10:18  Vikings go 3 and out.  Favre calls Vick to cancel.

10:20  Vikings punt the ball to the Packers 1 yard line.  Rodgers isn't Catholic but he does that cross thing on his chest anyway.

10:21  Jared Allen sacks Rodgers yet again and does a WWF style celebration for his victory over the girls in green.  Uh Jared...the memo?  Favre's night?  Ring a bell?

10:25  Play is challenged and ruled a safety.  Vikings up 30-14.  Vikings fans are singing and dancing in the stands.  I am happy for them for a moment, until I think about the bitter disappointment that awaits them later in the season.  And I sigh... 

10:32  Long TD pass to Jordy Nelson.  We have a pulse.  2 point conversion fails.  Condition critical.  Onside kick coming while Rodgers tries to shake off his 50th hit of the night, secretly praying on the sidelines that the onside fails so he doesn't have to go out there and face the monster again.  It fails. 

10:33  Flat line Packers 30-20.

10:37  Rather than running the clock on 3rd down Papa Smurf lets Mr. Waffles wing it 50 yards on 3rd down.  Incomplete.  The Vikings only took .33 seconds off the clock with that possession and Green Bay time outs.  Not the greatest clock management.  But Mr. Waffles appreciated the chance, regardless of how it might affect the team.  3 minutes left on the clock.

10:44  Rodgers  connects on a long pass to James Jones.  I finally take time to stop thinking about how great Favre is long enough to realize what a crappy night Greg Jennings has had.  3 catches for 31 yards.  Yep, that's why I drafted him.  Last 3 weeks, 18 points total including that goose-egg in week 2.  Thankfully the Packers have a bye next week so I will be forced to bench him.  So that's nice.

10:45  Two minute warning, Packers driving.

10:48  Yet another sack.  8 sacks.  You might want to spend that bye week figuring out how to keep that guy that isn't Favre alive for the rest of the season.  I mean, he isn't Favre for Christ's sake!   

10:49 Packers settle for the field goal to bring them within 7.  Suddenly I am reminded of what a crappy night Mason Crosby has had.  Yeah, that's why I drafted him.  To get me 5 points.  Solid.

10:50  The Vikings have pissed away a huge lead, but grab the onside kick when the Packers didn't seem all that interested in a scrum.  Clock runs out.  Vikings win!

10:51  Favre gives hugs and kisses all around.  He tells the interviewer he "wasn't out to prove anything."  And I believe him.  Because if Mr. Waffles has proven anything he has proven that he is a man of his word.  The Viking fans celebrate as Favre leads his entourage off the field, the conquering hero.  I get so emotional I almost tear up, and I am forced to slap myself in the face to put a stop to it. 

10:52  My overwhelming happiness for Favre, mom, apple pie, and America comes to a screeching halt when Tirico cheerfully reminds the viewing audience that next Monday night they will be in Miami for a Dolphins game.  Oh crap.

Misery Index (Haiku)

10) Bills:  T.O. getting mad
                So few passes he has had
                Popcorn going bad

9) Dolphins:  Wildcat covers flaws
                     But still so boring to watch
                     Great for Sunday nap

8) Lions:  Millen to masses
               Culpepper to throw passes
               Feet in molasses

7) Raiders:  Draft picks thrown away 
              Grim reaper won't you come now
              And take Al today

6) Panthers:  A week off to think
                    About just how bad you stink
                    Can you smell that smell?

5) Titans:  The nightmare won't end
                And here come the mighty Colts
                Team discovered crack?

4) Buccaneers:  Chuckie's welcome wore
                          Showed his sorry ass the door
                          Cannons gather dust

3) Chiefs:   Cassel got the bucks
                  But the offense still so sucks
                  Please God, make it stop

2)  Rams:  Vomit inducing
                 New head coach can't cure the ills
                 Georgia turns in grave

1) Browns:  No catch of the ball
                  Contract year drunk throwing down
                  No cash for dumb-ass

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