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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge - Week 9
Kevin Ratterree
November 3, 2009
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It seems apparent for the moment that the fantasy community at large got it right this year.  Adrian Peterson was clearly the right pick at #1, and MJD was clearly the right pick at #2.  After that it gets kind of fuzzy. For instance, idiots like me that drafted Matt Forte at #3.  But what am I crying about?  Think of the poor soul that drafted Steve Slaton late in the first round. 

Things started out rough for Slaton with three non-descript games to start the season.  But since then he had been like a machine for his fantasy owners.  His owners began to finally expect those 20 points every week.  Slaton was top 10 and rolling.  Then, "the fumble."  His seventh in a seven games and change.  Coaches can do math.  Slaton hit the bench and his owners hit the panic button.  

Suddenly Slaton owner's comfortable little fantasy worlds are thrown into chaos. 

They will all be scouring the news this week to see if Slaton will keep his job or will simply lose carries.  Then after they think those questions are answered after next Sunday, the Texans are on a bye so that is a hole Slaton owners will have to fill in week 10 regardless.  Welcome to fantasy hell.

Right now I am trying to figure out how to fill the hole in my roster that Leon Washington barely filled before his injury.  I am looking at choosing between Jerome Harrison or Tashard Choice as my RB2 for the foreseeable future.  It sounds like a joke, but it is cruel reality.  That's fantasy hell. 

And then there's my WCFF team that is second in the league in points and is currently on a 4 game losing streak crashing to a record of 2-6.  Typical.  My team leads the league in points scored against, and it ain't even close.  But am I bitter?  Hell yes. 

Having a really good team that is 2-6. That is truly fantasy hell.

Like most of you, my major bye week concerns are past now.  But I won't soon forget the horror of punching the name Marc Bulger into my lineup.  The Rams had one touchdown pass against the Lions and Bulger didn't even throw it.  That's nice. 

Speaking of the NFC north, the real teams in that division met in the Favreageddon in Green Bay.  Lots of booing.  I suppose that was to be expected.  A small price Favre had to pay for sticking it to Ted Thompson.  Mission accomplished.  Consider Thompson stuck.  Good job Brett.  Now all you have to do is stay healthy long enough to get the best team you've ever been on through January.  Then you can stick it to everybody and have a good cry while someone helps you hold the trophy over your head.  

Speaking of sticking it to people, I noticed that ESPN had the wrong information on the crawl about 30 minutes before game-time.  They had Manningham and Brian Westbrook listed as active instead of inactive.  The error was quickly corrected, but it passed at least a few times before it was.  I doubt many rosters were changed based on that error, since most serious fantasy players wouldn't count exclusively on ESPN for their fantasy information.  And there you have it.  Why did I mention it?  Just for kicks. 

No, it isn't your imagination.  The Colts are better since Manning became the head coach.  Yeah, I know that Jim Caldwell is officially the head coach, but the only head coach that is more impotent on the sideline than Caldwell is Jim Zorn, who was the victim of the Daniel Snyder neutering incident a couple of weeks ago.

Before Monday Night football, while my wife had a death-grip on the remote for those few last moments, I was entertained against my will by the dancing of Michael Irvin on Dancing With the Stars.  Michael seemed to really impress the judges, who all gave him glowing remarks while he graciously beamed in his lavender dance outfit.  And then, horror.  As he was about to head back-stage, a kiss on the cheek for host Tom Bergeron.  What the hell? 

Michael, dance if you must, but for the love of God keep those lips to yourself.  Nobody wants to see that.  I'm sure Bergeron, who was seen mopping slop off his face afterward would agree.   

99 times out of 100 I miss a horrible moment like that.  Man, when I'm on a losing streak...

Misery Index

10) Jaguars:  The Titans finally found a team with less drive then they have.  Getting smoked by the likes of the Seahawks and Titans tells you that Jack Del Rio's sixth year isn't likely to end any better than the first five.  Uninspired.  Unimaginative.  Unwatchable except for Mighty Mouse.   

9) Bills:  It is hard to imagine how this team won three games.  I'd bet my left dangle they won't win three more.

8) Seahawks: A lot of people (including myself) thought the Seahawks were bound for a comeback season.  Unfortunately the only thing this team has come back to is the Misery Index. They can beat up on the teams below them on this list (if they are playing at home), but there are only two of them left on the schedule.  Here's an idea.  Get some depth.  Get some toughness.  Get a running game.  Get some cajones.  Get something.  Right now you got nothing but a quarterback running for his life and a defense that can't get off the field.

7) Titans:  I was touched by the heart-warming story of an elderly team-owner that paid a truckload of money to the wrong player.  Then one day his team was 0-6 and the old owner wanted to take his expensive mistake out and play with it.  Good for him I thought.  It must be painful to have a multi-million dollar lump of hardened clay on your roster.  Why not parade your unsightly artwork around one more time for old time’s sake?  But for one moment in time, on one Sunday fall afternoon, against a team that didn't really seem to care, playing with no pressure, and no expectations, the expensive hardened clay made an old man happy.  And all was right in the universe.   

6) Raiders:  According to reports, it seems Tom Cable is a "hitter" but only with people that are smaller and weaker.  That got me to thinking; Al Davis is smaller and weaker.  And he is really old, so one good whack might do the trick.  Isn't there anybody out there in Raider nation that can get Cable's cell number and put an Al Davis impersonator on the line?  "Cable!  You big (coitus) (female body part).  I'm sick of your (excrement).  I (coitused) your wife, your girlfriend, and your mother, and next time I see you I'm going to tear off your head and (excrement) down your neck.  Fine! Come on down to my office you big (female body part)."  The franchise could be saved.  I'm just saying...

5) Redskins:  Football games usually only make me feel uncomfortable when someone has an injury.  But watching Jim Zorn wandering the sidelines aimlessly, occasionally pretending to say things into his head-set which is probably turned off anyway, I feel uncomfortable.  Can I petition the TV directors at Redskins games to just stop showing Zorn on the sideline?  I mean, you might as well be filming the Gatorade, it has just as much bearing on the outcome of the game.  Or better yet, show more shots of that angry little man up in the owners box.  We like that.  

4) Rams:  Alright then.  You took care of the Lionesses.  What do ya want, a medal?  For doing your job?  Marc Bulger zero TDs?  Loved it like a (excrement) sandwich. 

3) Browns:  While watching a bit of the Browns game (because of the unusual convergence of most of the other games being on commercial break), I watched Jamal Lewis unsuccessfully try to make the corner and break to the outside.  Wow.  Did you ever see footage of those geese after the Exxon Valdez?  Very similar.  And just as hard to watch.  After the game we got the report that Lewis is retiring after this season.  Mercy is at hand. 

2) Lions:  When you blow chunks in the "Futility Bowl" against the Lambs, I think that tells us what we need to know.  It's only the Buccaneers propping up your sorry asses now.  Once those hemorrhoids break through, well, I think you know what happens next.  Plop.  Flush. 

1) Buccaneers: Hey, guess what happened on your week off?  Your dumpster buddies ditched you.  It's all you now.  The worst of the worst.  You kicked Gruden to the curb and this is where it went for you.  But, where it went for us is to a much more "watch-able" Monday night football experience.  So while I would love to sit here and stick it to you,  I'm instead offering you a high five for saving Monday Night Football.  Well, at least until next year, when some team (probably the Panthers) will give Gruden a shot at sticking it to you.  But before then, there are nine other teams that are lined up to stick it to you, so ye might want to plunder a stockpile of salve matey's.

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