I thought after a while NBC's Football Night in America would grow on me. And it has. Kind of like a flesh eating bacteria. I mean, how many places in America can you find such a unique collection of high-priced wind-bags? (how they let Millen slip away I have no idea) But alas, the mute button is always at hand and the show is priced affordably.
The price is also right on ESPN's fantasy football information. Yes, I suppose I am kind of glad that ESPN finally came around to fantasy football. And yes, on a regular basis I bang on ESPN like a crystal huffing porn-star paid by the stroke. But I figure it like this, when you make it to the mountain-top (ESPN) there are certain expectations that come with representing the "world-wide leader in sports." And when you fall on your face, those who toil in the shadows of your glow (Kevin Ratterree) will be here to inform those that might have missed it of the damage. It's just my job. I do it for the people.
For instance, on Sunday Countdown, Matthew Berry was pretty hot for TE Fred Davis. He recommended a start for Davis, and went so far as to say that "Davis is in for a big day today." Well, I don't know if Davis had a big day. Maybe he had a party to go to Sunday night. Maybe it was his anniversary and he and the Misses had a Penthouse Forum moment planned with the nanny and an undergraduate videographer. But he certainly didn't have a big day on the football field. 2 catches for 26 yards. Nice.
If I wanted to be crass and self-serving I could point out that The Huddle's view on Davis was a little more realistic, in the projections stating, "Davis isn't a terrible play this week." Well, yes he was. But "isn't a terrible play" was a lot closer than, "In for a big day" when you are talking about a 26 yd. 0 td performance.
It's a good thing I am not crass and self-serving.
Berry and his sidekick Merrill Hoge also suggested benching Steve Smith (NYG) and looking elsewhere for the 19 PPR points he racked up. Worth every penny I tell ya'!
And the only one Abbott and Costello really nailed was the suggestion to bench Matt Ryan, which Berman told the comedy duo was a "mistake." Beautiful. Oh yeah, and they did advise benching Knowshon Moreno against the best run defense in the league, so that was helpful.
Seeing Ray Lewis do his bizarre "dance" in super slo-mo does not enhance the experience in a positive way. I can't wait for him to retire and go on Dancing With the Stars. Maybe that will finally put the wife off that crap.
Should I feel guilty for giving a mental fist-pump every time there is a false start penalty when my players are on an offensive drive, thus giving my player another potential 5 yards of stats? Because I don't. Feel guilty, that is. Pathetic maybe, but not guilty.
10) Bears: They are who they thought they were. And they didn't let 'em off the hook.
9) Packers: It is hard to comprehend just how big a fantasy monster Aaron Rodgers would be if only he had an offensive line to protect him. Confession, I thought this team would be worth a crap, and would give the Vikings a run for their money. Ha! In successive weeks this team has been blown away by a fresh rookie QB, and the geezer Favre. Young and old. Good and bad. Bring what ya' got because this team is going to get lit up regardless. And don't even get me started on how Greg Jennings is stinking up my fantasy team.
8) Giants: I'm not real big on putting teams with winning records in the Misery Index, but this looks like anything but a winning team. And as much as I would like to sit here and bury them, I harken back to a team that looked similarly as horrible at about this point in the season. Yes, the Giants in 2008. Of course, that team had a receiver that other teams double covered, thus opening up the offense. Everybody knows what the problem is. Problem is, there seems to be no solution to the problem. That is going to be a problem.
7) 49ers: I don't know what "it" is. But Phillip Rivers has "it." Ben Roethlisberger has it. Hasselbeck and Warner have it. Matt Ryan has it. Budweiser has it. Alex Smith does not have it. And if he did have it, we would all be seeing it by now. I don't see it. I don't see Schlitz.
6) Ravens: Everybody sing with me now in a childish taunting style: You're the Bengals bitches! You're the Bengals bitches! You're the Bengals bitches!
5) Dolphins: Why don't you just re-name yourselves the Wildcats and be done with it. Okay? Wildcat Parcells and Wildcat Sporano bring you the Miami Wildcats and their Wildcat offense! Welcome to Wildcat Sunday here at Wildcat Stadium in Wildcat Florida!
4) Redskins: I hear rumors that there are actual "football people" that can be hired to come in and run professional football teams. They work for money. They can help make better personnel decisions and save millions of wasted dollars and stuff, which may lead to opting not to sue your fan base to recoup your ill-advised investments. But, turning over control of anything is difficult when one is burdened with towing around a massive ego like a boulder, smashing Fans hopes and dreams as one trudges along down the path of ignorance and indignity.
3) Buccaneers: A sobering reminder of just how special the Lions magical season of '08 was. It only took 9 weeks to kill the dream this season. I'm just as happy as a 18 year old with a fistful of cash at the strip club for y'all, but I hope like hell you don't think those God-awful 1976 uni's had anything to do with ending your drought. After seeing them in hi-def I have a new appreciation for just how horrible they are. And anyway, is it a good idea to be reminding people about that era in your history considering your current struggles?
2) Lions: Yes, I spent a first round draft pick on Calvin Johnson in one of my leagues. Matt Millen's got nothin' on me.
1) Browns: I know I promised this spot to the Lions last week, but doggone it, at least those guys tried this week. You guys did nothing but reveal further evidence of just how whacked things are in "Camp Chaos." Besides, why delay the inevitable? With the circus that is certain to continue to unfold over the last half of the season. we all know this is where you were headed anyway. Let's just make the move now. Kind of like when you drink too much, and you feel really sick, and you know you are going to throw up, and you don't want to, but you know you will feel better once you do. Yeah. much better. Anybody have a mint?