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FANTASY FOOTBALL IN-SEASON FEATURES

Commentary from the Edge - Week 14
Kevin Ratterree
December 8, 2009
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It's December.  Favre started looking old and the Cowboys started looking like losers. 

What an epic geriatric showdown that was on Sunday night.  The only quarterbacks in the league being hounded by the AARP duking it out.  The youngster Warner gave Grandpa Favre a good old fashioned whuppin'.  78 years was the combined age of those QBs.  78 is about the average life-span so if you split the difference, a couple of half dead quarterbacks put on a pretty good show.    

I think Favre only thought he was happy with his receiving corps until he saw in person what Kurt Warner has to work with.  I mean, come on.  That was a ridiculous display.  Put the ball in a spot and watch your receiver beat single coverage, double coverage, triple coverage, whatever.  Kurt's crew catches the ball regardless of the coverage.  If you don't put Kurt on the carpet, you are in trouble.  It's a joke.  Don't overlook those Cardinals if Warner survives.

I wonder how the Vikings feel about the prospect of needing to clear that hurdle once again before this is all over.  They might have to.
 
The game was somewhat inconsequential to the Vikings, except to plant a seed in the minds of their minds of the potential playoff choke-job.  We'll see if they fare better if the Cards pay them a visit in January.  And if either QB will still be Farvelous or Warnerderful after another month of hits.

It's possible neither of those oldsters make it through this stretch run unscathed.  Warner and Favre both got banged up some in that game Sunday night.  Favre finally stopped beating the odds and threw some picks. (and suddenly the universe makes sense again) and Warner's hip had him limping around in the final minutes.  Both of those Superbowl winning geezers in a race with father time for just one more...

They showed a Kurt Warner interview before the game where he talked about his decision to sit out the week before.  Kurt says he is thinking more about self-preservation these days.  I would imagine that Brenda's make-over transformation from "worn down scrub-brush" to "standard blondie" probably has a lot to do with that.  Kurt feels that is is okay to maintain control of all of his senses now.  And if that isn't love...

And how 'bout them Cowboys?  Come on man!  You can't be serious.  Brandon Jacobs?  All the way down the sideline?  You have to be kidding me!  What the hell is it about the month of December that makes this team turn into Loserpalooza?  You can see it coming.  Limp into playoffs...maybe.  Fumble here.  Penalty there.  First round bounce.  Sun rises.  Sun sets. 

Romo took some heat for his Vegas trip after the Thanksgiving game.  Rodney Harrison and Tony Dungy took their shots at him on Sunday Night Football.  Harrison said that Romo needs to focus.  I find it interesting that Harrison has gone from "knee hunter" to "guidance counselor."  He used to try to end quarterback's careers, now he is trying to help quarterback's careers.  What a swell guy.  Just ask Trent Green.  His knee has been swelled ever since he met Harrison.

I wonder if Atari Bigby's dad really, really wanted an Atari, but never got one, so then when he had a kid he named the kid Atari.  And then he had one.  I wonder if he ever bought little Atari an Atari?  Which reminds me, is anybody out there naming their kids Wii right now?  It would be perfect if your last name was Player.  I'm just trying to help.
  
I realized something this weekend.  There is no escaping Matt Millen. He is everywhere.  Like skeletons in Tiger Woods closet, and Christmas in December.  He's doing the college game.  He's doing a college game the next day.  His is doing the Thursday night game.  He is on the set for Monday Night Football.  If you are addicted to football he is a part of your life, whether you want him to be or not.  What did we do?  Why is this happening to us?  We are feeling very violated right now.  Could you please get Mr. Porn-stache to back off a bit?  He and the dozens of clones of him you have apparently created.  Please, make it stop! 

Misery Index

10)  Tim Tebow:  Jesus wept.  That is the correct answer if someone asks you what the shortest Bible verse is.  Look, Tebow wasn't crying just because he lost.  He was crying because he knows it will be this way every week in the NFL.  Yes, the good times are over for Tebow and college football.  For the NCAA so loved the world, that they gave their only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  Kevin ~ 3:16  

9)  Steelers:  One loss, meh.  Two losses, hmm.  Three losses, uh-oh.  Four losses, WTF?????  Pinch yourselves in a crucial area Steelers fans. This is really happening.  The "post-Superbowl let-down season."  Sadly, many of us have no idea what that feels like, so pardon us if we don't cry a river for you and your fistful of rings.  (insert Nelson laugh: Ha haa!)

8)  Patriots:  Last week I incorrectly noted that the Patriots were 7-5, when in fact at the time they were actually 7-4.  Let's just chalk that up to premonition.  I was a week early.  I guess maybe I knew subconsciously that Hoodie was prepared to treat the rest of this season like I treat a hundred dollar bill in a casino.  I'm not sure what Hoodie is up to, but he has inspired insane coaching decisions all over football.  It's all the rage now.  Maybe Hoodie got caught up in his own hype.  Hoodie - against Indy, I get it.  Against the 'Phins, you got it.  In any case, it sure was fun to watch and I'm sure many of the Dolphins fans would tell you, "Mucho appreciado pendejo!"

7)  Redskins:  I could have a heart and drop you out of the Index based on your efforts against the mighty Saints.  But in the end, you did what you do to lose, and the Saints did what they do to win.  And here you are.  You were in an elevator with a hot chick, she peeled, you sprang, the elevator door opened and there was her boyfriend standing there.  Beat down.  If it's any consolation we are very appreciative that the opportunity to finally shut up Mercury Morris once and for all still exists, so thanks for that.  Not that it is was really your choice in the matter.  Saints gots that voodoo goin' on.  Even Scientology can't beat the voodoo. 

6) Texans:  It was not a stellar week in Texas football on the whole. The Cowboys showed up for the ribbon cutting of their annual December tank-job.  And the Longhorns barely survived getting man-handled by the 'Huskers and a boy named Suh.  'Er, excuse me, man named Suh, sir.  And last but least, we had the annual premature death of the Houston Texans season.  Four losses in a row.  With a healthy Schaub and a healthy Andre Johnson.  But no Owen Daniels.  Hmm.  And no running back that gets yardage and keeps a grip on the rock.  Double Hmm.  Back to the drawing board.  There is always next year.  Aw who the hell am I kidding.  Next year will be like every year.  Optimistic innocent fans clubbed like baby seals.  Hey, isn't that illegal now?  Can we get PETA on this?

5) Chiefs:  Todd Haley got caught up in "go for it on 4th down" madness when he attempted a go early in the second half with his team inside its own 30.  Eventually, late in the ensuing ass-beating, Haley was compelled to bring his second string QB onto the field and let him throw some incompletions and take some hits.  When you have to answer the question of whether the quarterback you signed for huge money during the off-season will be benched for the next game, one has to wonder just how stable the rebuilding foundation is. About as stable as a tepee in a tornado I would say.  Chiefs pay heep big wampum.  Quarterback take heep big whompin'. 

4) Lions:  I wonder if Matt Stafford will survive long enough to realize his potential?  Ahh, such is life with the Lions.  People have been asking why highly drafted quarterbacks don't succeed in the NFL.  Because they usually end up with teams like the Lions?  I'm just guessing here. 

3)  Buccaneers:  This is tough, because I really think you might be better than the Lions.  But facts are facts.  There are three teams with one loss, and the end is drawing near.  No fooling around now.  You might have been underdogs in this thing early on, but we are starting to believe in you now.  Just because you are young doesn't mean you can't get this.  Come on and get this thing done you bunch of worthless Bucs!

2)  Rams:  All it took for Jay Cutler to dent the win column was to meet up with a quarterback even better than him at gacking up a game.  It's a good thing the Bears didn't pay Boller a big pile of cash instead of Cutler, or they would look REALLY stupid right about now.    

1) Browns:  Story time.  All season long I carried Jerome Harrison on my dynasty roster, just waiting for him to get a chance behind the decrepit Jamal Lewis.  But all he got was in Mangini's doghouse.  A few weeks ago I dropped him despite my dreadful situation at running back.  It had become clear that he wasn't going to be a factor.  Then, after Mangini's short-lived Jennings experiment, Harrison goes off and gives the Chargers a heart attack at the end of the game. 

There are some moves you make in fantasy football that are horrific.  And there are some that are strokes of genius.  And sometimes if you are lucky and you screw up, and the rest of your league is sleeping, you get a second chance to be a genius.   

After Harrison dangled on my dynasty league waiver wire for a week, I decided to get him back on my roster at the last minute before the yearly transaction deadline at kickoff last week.  And with his apparent unlikely coronation, I have to consider Harrison a possible savior for my fantasy team during weeks 15-16 facing the worst of the AFC West.  If you throw enough turds against the wall, yada yada yada.   

What does any of this have to do with the Browns?  Other than the obvious connection to turds?  Not so much. Except the distinct possibility that while Harrison could save my fantasy team, and live in infamy as a last-minute pick-up nobody else wanted, he could also help screw up this whole Misery Index/2010 draft pick thing.  Jerome Harrison: Waiver-wire wonder of the 2009 fantasy playoffs, and Misery Index blower-upper.  Yeah, that is what I am seeing.  Destiny.  Rodney Harrison said it best.  Focus.  Focus.  Wait a minute.   Focus? 

My fantasy playoffs may come down to a third-string player from the Cleveland Browns.  My last chance for glory in this fantasy season may rest in the incapable hands of Mangini.  I am actually expressing optimism and joy about this fact in a public forum.  Really?  That is what I am going to hang my hat on?  Is that what I have been fighting for?  Have I sunk this low?  Is this all the grain of hope it takes to make me giddy like a school girl?  Does it get any more pathetic than that?  Why does God hate me?  I'm just guessing here, probably all the blasphemy and the cussing.  Damn the bad luck.  Kevin ~ 3:17.    

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